Having two children: a wonderful baby and a BPD-boyfriend

[SettingBorders]

  Hello there,

I posted here a few months ago when I realised that my boyfriend may have BPD. I was pregnant back then. Our daughter is six weeks old now and I'm starting to gain a little time for myself. So I want to report on recent developments and get some support.  


Those last weeks of pregnancy were horrific! I don't want to get into detail, but it went to such lengths that I got to hear that I was trying to kill him and got a silence treatment that went on for over a week. Maybe I hadn't acted very smart before, because I had used force on him. I had told him exactly what I expected and I had pinned him down to it by demanding to agree with it in written form. It was nothing he hadn't erraticly promised me before, but I wanted him to garantee it to me. We didn't clarify anything, but when birth started, he transformed into a very caring person. He's still very attentive and loving with our little daughter.

But our relationship shifted from 'fair and even friendly' to 'depening on his mood' since then. For a time I thought these arguments would only concern the old wounds, but these last days, new topics of arguments arose. Like he's not willing to tell me when he'll be home late on days he's bringing our child to bed- which is every other day. Instead, he wants me to tell him when I go out, so he's reminded to be home in time. Disregarding I'm not going out at all right now, I don't want to be a standby and I just don't want to treat him like a child - I want him to act responsible by himself.

These last days, he's very stressed from work, forgets events or misremembers them, dislocates his belongings, is not able to remember appointments, and so on. Furthermore, everything I do is wrong: Driving to fast, not reminding him on something, bothering by reminding him on things he remembers, telling the wrong things to other people, not telling him my appointments (when I actually did), and so on and so forth. Today, for instance, he wrote me an SMS that he was disappointed of me that I didn't consider his lactose intolerance when I bought him an Advents calendar. But he's often chosing to eat milk producs regardlessly and that calendar is containing one of his favourite sweets. So ... .everything I do is wrong in his eyes and is to be criticised.

I feel that I act in a different way just to avoid his nagging and that he's starting to get his way again ... .I am not sure if I should insist on clear rules between us or ask him nicely each time anew, because the first leads to dreadful arguments and the latter was more sucessfull in the past - but it makes me dependant.

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[ArleighBurke]

I want him to act responsible by himself.

Sure, but he has a mental illness... .Is this reasonable?

Furthermore, everything I do is wrong

He will blame you for everything - sure - that is part of BPD. But there are a few reasons why he may do this. If he's picking on your driving for instance, can you try to Validate? "I'm sorry I'm making you feel worried. It's great that you care about our daughters safety so much... .".

Today, he was disappointed of me that I didn't consider his lactose intolerance when I bought him an Advents calendar.

Validation time! "I'm sorry - I can see how that could come across as uncaring". See what he says next, then after a bit more empathy, throw in your truth "I see you sometimes eat chocolates, and i thought these were your favourites"

Living with a BPD is difficult. And he will probably always be annoyed at something - but Validation can ease that. Remember, most of what he says is about HIM and what HE FEELS - not about you. He may say that you made him feel X, but really, it's still about him.

[SettingBorders]

Oh ArleighBurke,

it's so easy, but thanks for repeating to me over and over again the importance of validation. Guess I'm stuck in my own emotions very often. And I forget the validation part when he's not nice or polite when critizising my actions. Having a baby is new to me too, but I feel myself getting more relaxed and hope I will be able to be more wiseminded regarding my boyfriends feelings.
We're going to move in a new flat next weekend ... .wish me luck: I am sure there will be some tough moments. 

[ArleighBurke]

it's so easy

er... .Are you referring to Validation? It's NOT easy - it takes years of practice.

[SettingBorders]

er... .Are you referring to Validation? It's NOT easy - it takes years of practice.

I know why I can't do it: Because it feels like I'm untrue to myself.

ArleighBurke, my boyfriend is so often asking me a agree with him. He wants to hear: "You are right, and we will do it like you said." How can I validate this? I just don't want to agree and let him be in charge with his crazy ideas ... .The idea of validation is not about beeing submissive to your partner, right?

I just don't care about what he tells me I shoud do. But there are so many things we need to decide together, and he is constantly rejecting my ideas and wants me to accept his'. And to be honest: mostly I give in. Lateron he will realize that he was wrong and will change his mind (stating he had this opinion all the time and I had his).

I'm seriously thinking about breaking up ... .but it breaks my heart to think about what might happen when I break up and he will fight for custody by all means.

[ArleighBurke]

It is tricky. My wife wants me to jyst agree with her all the time too. She treats me disagreeing with her opinion as disagreeing with HER. Conversations have to take a slower approach. Pretend you are talking with a 6yr old... ."thats a good idea... .But how would that affect X?". Help HIM to work through the solution so that HE can find a good one - and he'll think it's his.

It's painful and slow. But good practise for children... .