My mother has BPD and I am finally making the decison to remove her from my life

[Sarrahamealia]

My mother has always been the center of my life i was her first born, her best friend and in many ways i began to feel like her "emotional husband". I began to take on her issues as my own at a very young age. She gave birth to me when she was somewhere between 19 and 20, my birth father was 12 years her senior. I didnt know about his existence until i was eight years old, did not meet him for the first time until i was 12 years old. I grew up believing my younger siblings father was my father until they inevitably divorced and i was told by my mother during our afternoon pow wows and my newly acclaimed step father informed me during a heated discussion between my mother. I asked to speak to him after their conversation... I missed him. I had a new step father by now, the timeline isnt a long one from my first step dad to my second. Unfortunately asking to speak to a newly separated also older gentleman after his oldest child (ME) informed him that another man had been in his house was a bad idea. He asked me several months prior to this phone conversation if someone had ever been in his home, insinuating that a pillow had been moved and that i could "tell my daddy anything" so i did. The next day, i came home from day care with my mother to be put out of my home with bags packed for me, my baby sister and mother.

So this conversation has been a loaded gun for quite some time. Hearing him say "Im not even your real daddy" broke me. For 8 years. My mother's decisions to be a playful child, versus making me the parent not only in our personal relationship but with my younger sister and the two other siblings that i inherited from my second step father. She publicly embarrassed me when she saw fit. an allowed others to do so on occasion. would say im smart but proceed to treat me like an idiot. She slept with my high school girlfriend's mother, my sister spotted them curled up in front of the fire place having glasses of wine one night while i was out and told me about. My then girlfriend and i were on a date one night and came home to them hearing them upstairs in my mothers room being intimate. they both tried to play us like nothing happened but we both knew something did. One afternoon My mother and I were having another one of our infamous verbal sparring matches ( this is still senior year of high school) and i called her a liar and told her i knew about what she had done. She then grabbed me by neck after asking me to repeat myself and threw me out of her house took my phone, and left me with the clothes i had on my back. My sister and i were never really close but she left with me... .i think deep down she knew i was right she tried to convince me to come home and talk to mom but the bottom line is she left with me. I wound up being gone for almost four or five days i came home to ask if i could COME HOME, she wanted an apology. She made me sleep in the garage the first night i came home, then on the floor in our computer room (the entire house was tile floor) until finally she allowed me to sleep in her room. ALL ALONG SHE KNEW SHE WAS LYING AND I WAS RIGHT. this is just a few of the many stories i have of my mother verbally mentally and emotionally abusing me. I have always been conditioned to fear her before anything else, i think because to her fear may equate RESPECT in some way, Idk. but im tired of carrying around my past pain. Im ready to process, forgive, and heal. I want her in my life but i know she will never be the mother that i need her to be. I need guidance on how to accept that. I feel like an orphan. Although i have a mother she has no siblings. I have a birth father but he and i are estranged, i tried building a relationship with him but the concept of me being an adult and not a child was a foreign one, no matter what i did to try to explain that to him. I have laid eyes on him TWICE in my lifetime. Every family i ever thought i had was stripped away. And none of them wanted to deal with me the dust settled from divorces because they didnt want to deal with "THE WRATH OF *****" as they like to put it.


i Just need support, someone to listen who doesnt think im crazy for recognizing that my mother is a person who is capable of doing things that arent in the best interest of her child. So ... if you read this far thank you for your time.

Peace & Love

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[drained1996]

Hello Sarrahamealia, I read your story, and I think you will find that you are no longer alone.  Many here either have or are traveling down a very similar path.  Within the last several years I too have been dealing with facing the affects of having a PD mother and the wounds the illness has caused me and my own family.  It's tough for sure, but it does get better! 
To the right of this page you will see some lessons, as well as a survivors guide, note that the first lesson is taking care of yourself... .a great place to start! 
Like many others here, I found having a therapist that had working knowledge of personality disorders to be a big help in sifting through my family of origin (FOO) issues.  Have you thought of seeking some professional guidance?
One thing I wish I could've had a grasp of sooner was that we cannot change them, but we can change the way we react and communicate with them.  The tools section at the top of the page can help guide you to using some techniques of communicating that can be of help.  Also, learning to set boundaries and enforce those boundaries is a very helpful way to self protect... .check out this link:  https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/06.Rehtm
I found it very therapeutic to share here, I also found that the more I shared the more I learned.  You have found the right place to learn, share, and get the understanding and helpful guidance you may need.  We are here.   

[Sunfl0wer]

Just wanted to join drained1996 in saying welcome!

i Just need support, someone to listen who doesnt think im crazy for recognizing that my mother is a person who is capable of doing things that arent in the best interest of her child. So ... if you read this far thank you for your time.

Biggest abusive thing for me in my upbringing... .
Is experiencing conflicting realities around me, and inside of me.  This is what made me wonder who the crazy one was, her, them, me?  I now just assume we all have a hint of crazy to a degree, it is called character or such, idk.

It is mind boggling to me... .
I grew up feeling intuitively that things were wrong.
I had in my head an image that did not seem too difficult to attain, on how one could simply NOT abuse and use children.  Yet, my reality was I was a tool of sorts.  It was my role to be grateful to feel useful!

Anyway, this board especially around here, has been a safe nurturing place for myself.  Even if I do not post, I feel great warmth and healing just reading around.

(I do not talk to anyone that I grew up with.
They have their roles that they seem to work within.
I do not fit into that.)