BPD Wife Started EMDR Therapy...But?

[Depression = 72% of members]

After a knockdown drag out a few weeks ago, after lots of talk about our relationship ending, my wife agreed to go into EMDR therapy. She had her first session the other day. Its set up so I go one session, she goes in alone, then I go back again. Helping the therapist to keep a good baseline of the facts as we move forward.

They brought me in for the first part and then left the room when "safe place" was being introduced and installed into the therapy.

I am really proud of her that she even went and made a sincere attempt. Even though she she still see's life and our relationship through her disorder, still she went in an attempt to save our marriage. BUT... .

I'm disappointed with myself. For the past several months I had to practice "detaching" on certain levels just to be able to self care and stay married. To even navigate through life. I have never felt so drained mentally, emotionally than I have these last several months. Now I find myself disappointed that I cannot engage and be more supportive in the way that she probably needs me to be. The relationship has always demanded ultra high levels of support, affection and care. I'm affectionate person and encouraging by nature BUT... . I'm struggling to find the energy and resources to stand by her in more supportive role... .Sigh... .Help?

[RDMercer55]

After a knockdown drag out a few weeks ago, after lots of talk about our relationship ending, my wife agreed to go into EMDR therapy. She had her first session the other day. Its set up so I go one session, she goes in alone, then I go back again. Helping the therapist to keep a good baseline of the facts as we move forward.

They brought me in for the first part and then left the room when "safe place" was being introduced and installed into the therapy.

I am really proud of her that she even went and made a sincere attempt. Even though she she still see's life and our relationship through her disorder, still she went in an attempt to save our marriage. BUT... .

I'm disappointed with myself. For the past several months I had to practice "detaching" on certain levels just to be able to self care and stay married. To even navigate through life. I have never felt so drained mentally, emotionally than I have these last several months. Now I find myself disappointed that I cannot engage and be more supportive in the way that she probably needs me to be. The relationship has always demanded ultra high levels of support, affection and care. I'm affectionate person and encouraging by nature BUT... . I'm struggling to find the energy and resources to stand by her in more supportive role... .Sigh... .Help?

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[drained1996]

I'm disappointed with myself. For the past several months I had to practice "detaching" on certain levels just to be able to self care and stay married. To even navigate through life. I have never felt so drained mentally, emotionally than I have these last several months. Now I find myself disappointed that I cannot engage and be more supportive in the way that she probably needs me to be. The relationship has always demanded ultra high levels of support, affection and care. I'm affectionate person and encouraging by nature BUT... .I'm struggling to find the energy and resources to stand by her in more supportive role... .Sigh... .Help?

Note my user name... .drained... .I feel your pain!  Try to be compassionate with yourself, as you know, you've been through very trying times. You own the right to be and feel as you do. 
 I came to this same moment in my own relationship more than one time.  Disappointed in myself... .because I felt I could not go on... .
Ultimately I had to look each time and decide for myself.  What is the best decision? 

What do you think is the best decision?  What do you want? 

[RDMercer55]

Note my user name... .drained... .I feel your pain!  Try to be compassionate with yourself, as you know, you've been through very trying times. You own the right to be and feel as you do.  
 I came to this same moment in my own relationship more than one time.  :)isappointed in myself... .because I felt I could not go on... .
Ultimately I had to look each time and decide for myself.  What is the best decision?  

What do you think is the best decision?  What do you want?  

Hahaha, yes that was the first thing I said out loud when I read your username... .Drained!

Thank you for encouraging me... .It does help to know that I'm not alone, that others have come to the place of brokenness where they feel they nothing left in the tank to give.

As a believer, I've always turned to God and He has been faithful to give me what I did not possess. He took over and loved her through me when my strength failed. This time it's just different and that bothers me. I know it's not Him either, it's my capacity to receive and then pass along. At the same time I know that He understands and is compassionate not judging me for my condition. The God card just adds another element to the situation that has it's own issues to work out.

All that I know I want at this point is to have peace. Not having any peace in my home the past several years has taken it's toll. I am in a job that is very demanding of me and requires lots of giving of myself. Then to come home and not only not have my sanctuary but to have to give more and more has brought the burnout. It's like you meet the challenge but there's always going to be one more hoop that you missed and have to pay for now.

I have always had jobs and career paths that were successful in fields that demand an outgoing personality. I have always thrived in collaborative settings and with crews of co-workers that can challenge one another. These days my thoughts turn to staring over on my own and getting a CDL and just getting away on the road. ... .Or working a job where I have ear plugs and a machine and I work like a machine. How crazy is that? I get it that there's more psychological going on to make me have those thoughts but that's where it come to.

Has your life changed dramatically drained?

[drained1996]

Let's not focus on me... .as I am not you 

The title of your thread ends with... .But? 

But... .what?

It's like you meet the challenge but there's always going to be one more hoop that you missed and have to pay for now.

What do you make of this?

This time it's just different and that bothers me.

What makes it different this time to you?

All that I know I want at this point is to have peace.

I'll let that quote that you made stand on its own. 

[RDMercer55]

But... .what?

What do you make of this?

I guess the BUT is even though she is addressing her BPD to save our marriage, the therapist told me up front "she will need to do major major work... ." This isn't just talk therapy it's trauma therapy. It's going to be brutal and there will be days when she wants to quit and definitely days when she will be triggering even more.
I just don't sense having the ability to stand by her that way she is going to not only need but eventually demand. It's weird but I feel like I'm grieving my future loss.

What makes it different this time to you?
There has been so much in our history that have been forgiven and we've moved forward. I don't hold any unforgiveness against her, it's just that before when I forgave I was ready to move forward with hope. Hope is hard to find these days so it just feels different. Perhaps it's that I've really detached in certain areas and moved forward with self care. It's the only thing that's saved me and our marriage this time.

Thanks for reading... .