how do I help my sugnificant other to understand my adult child with BPD?

[momofabpd]

My 28 year old daughter with BPD was in a crisis situation again.   My significant other sees her as a spoiled princess who needs to grow up and stop manipulating me.  He has a "perfect" son and doesn't buy into the BPD.   The more I try to explain the more stupid and excuse making I sound.   My daughter has been diagnosed over 10 years ago.  How can I help him understand or is it just a waste of time?  Anyone out there understand?  I need some help, hope, and understanding.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi momofaBPD,



I'm sorry to hear that your daughter was in a crisis situation again. That is really hard for a parent to go through. During times like that, you need support yourself, and when your significant other doesn't understand the intricacies of BPD, it can leave you feeling alone and overwhelmed.  

I'm glad you reached out, because you are not alone. This community is full of members who have been in similar situations and understand the challenges of loved ones with BPD (and without). There are also lots of tools here that can help. I'm thinking of communication tools that can support you when you talk to your SO about your daughter. There really is hope, momofaBPD.

When you have time, tell us more about this recent situation with your daughter. What happened?

Have you thought of suggesting a book to your SO that would explain BPD? We also have tons of articles here that you can suggest if he is open to learning more. If your SO is scientifically minded, here is a clinical perspective on BPD that is very clear:

Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

Keep writing, it helps to share. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Wanda Iris]

I am joining this message board and want to say that I, too, have a spouse who is a step father to my adult daughter with BPD. Reading a book really helped. We read Loving Someone  With Borderline Personality Disorder:How ti Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship by Shari Y. Manning. It gave us a way to share about what we are experiencing with my daughter's behaviors.
Wanda Iris

[Bright Day Mom]

Reading / educating oneself is a good suggestion as recommended with previous posts.  Another option may be working with a counselor. Counseling can be a wonderful resource in not only helping him understand the struggle your D is dealing with, but may also provide good tools in communicating more effectively as a family.

[Panda39]

I was going to suggest reading books too.

I liked:Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

You might suggest he come here too.  My SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) he and I are both members here.  It has helped us develop strategies together and share a common language.

Can you elaborate a little more on your situation?  What is your SO having issues with?  I can tell you that when I got together with my SO I felt that he did not have enough boundaries concerning his ex she was always intruding on our time together.  Could that be something bothering your SO as well?  There is a lot of information on this site that you might find helpful both with your daughter and the relationship between your SO and you too.

I know you asked a question about your SO but in relation to your daughter I wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information that you might want to check out or share with your SO.

Take Care,
Panda39

[livednlearned]

My 28 year old daughter with BPD was in a crisis situation again.   My significant other sees her as a spoiled princess who needs to grow up and stop manipulating me.  He has a "perfect" son and doesn't buy into the BPD.   The more I try to explain the more stupid and excuse making I sound.   My daughter has been diagnosed over 10 years ago.  How can I help him understand or is it just a waste of time?  Anyone out there understand?  I need some help, hope, and understanding.

That must feel bad  

What was the crisis? What does your significant other think needs to change?

It's so easy to fall into drama triangles when there are BPD crises. I wonder if your SO is trying, in an unskilled way, to protect you (victim) from your daughter (persecutor), which carves out a role for himself as rescuer. You can read about the Karpmann drama triangle here.

Maybe we can help think through together ways to get him on board to support you instead of destabilize the relationship (which he may not realize he's doing).