Feeling very lonely

[TryingHope4758]

Hey everyone! This is my first post. My common-law husband suffers from BPD. He has been getting increasingly worse since I met him 3 years ago. We have a 2 year old daughter together. I also have a 12 year old and 9 year old from previous relationships. So, I do everything for my family. I work full time, take care of the house, care for the children, etc. My husband does some projects around the house when he is feeling up to it, otherwise he is unemployed and a dependent adult due to his mental illness.

I go through much the same as everyone else here. But what brought me here today is that I feel so lonely. My husband told me in all honesty from the beginning that he wasn't typically attracted to my body type (I'm 5'5 and 210lbs.) He prefers someone thinner. However, he said he fell in love with my personality and that I love him unconditionally. The thing is, we rarely have sex. Maybe once every 2-3 months. He never calls me babe, sexy, honey, etc. We kiss perhaps once a day and it's a light peck. He never compliments me. He does express that he wishes I would try harder to lose weight. He will then immediately say he knows that sounds so bad. He feels it would help him get more aroused if I was thinner. I can't even motivate myself to workout. Taking care of 3 kids, him, and working full time barely leaves me enough energy to take care of the house.

Anyway, I'm really struggling. I feel like I'm ugly. Unwanted. Fat. I feel so incredibly lonely. I long for a man to hold me, tell me how beautiful I am, and enjoy sex with me. I have briefly brought these things up and it always makes him very upset. He then feels worse about himself and I've achieved nothing. I really don't want to cheat on him, and I certainly don't think our relationship is over, I just need more in my life. I feel like a sinking ship. I find myself looking for attention from other men. (Not physical, just flirting).

Does anyone have advice for me on how to improve this? What should I do differently?

Thank you!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lockjaw]

I can relate to the feeling lonely. I lost weight after my divorce by going way down on the lexapro my doc put me on for stress. Then figured out I have ADD, and got put on meds for that, and I lost about 40 pounds.

Try cutting something out of your diet that is high in calories that you eat often. Especially if its something like soda's. Those are empty calories.

The go for a walk, and try to walk at a good clip so you get your heart rate up. Get the kids to go with you. You will feel better, and the extra calories you burn will help.

Biggest thing that helped me was the ADD meds. Decreased my appetite.

[Doglover1234]

Hi TryingHope4758,

I have a similar body type to yours... .fortunately for me my partner (with undiagnosed BPD) is fine with my body type, but I still understand your loneliness... .we rarely have sex either, but it is more me than him... .when he is in his moods and the names he calls me all the yelling and screaming... .I am just not sexually attracted to that.  He does call me pet names, but that too is wearing thin with everything else that is happening with him. He will bring up my weight during  his bad times, but I just let it go in one ear and out the other - the only reason he is doing this is he is just trying to put me down and I don't let him. 

I am convinced that one of the reasons I am unable to lose weight is because of all the stress I am under and the constant flight or fight mode my body is in.  I have read that cortisol (released in times of stress) will cause you to retain weight or gain it.  I believe this is true in my case because when I/we are going through a "good" phase, I will tend to lose weight, but if life is in a constant turmoil, the weight either stays the same or it increases.  I don't eat a lot so it isn't that.  I truly believe it is the stress !  You definately have a fuller plate than I do since I don't have children (just fur-babies!) so your stress level has got to be high !

I realized long ago that I will always have a struggle with my weight. The topic of weight is a very sensitive issue and I know my partner uses it to get to me and I have learned to just let it go.  My weight is what it is.  If someone truly loves you and wants to be with you your weight isn't an issue.  You have to be happy with yourself, make changes for yourself and not anyone else.  You are not ugly.

I can certainly understand you flirting with other men for attention, but if your partner is anything like mine, watch for jealousy.  I have to be soo careful when dealing with men around my partner.  His ex-wife cheated on him with one of his friends and it wounded him deeply and he is terrified that I will cheat on him.

You said that he has told you from the beginning that he is attracted to thinner women, but for whatever reason, he has stayed with you.  You said he has been getting worse since you met... .did he call you pet names in the beginning, how was the sex then?   

Hopefully this has helped in some way.  Try and hang in there... .

[livednlearned]

Hi TryingHope4758,

That would hurt my feelings too to hear my partner say those things  

Ouch.

It sounds like you are the last one to get your needs met. Everyone else comes first.

In BPD relationships, it is easy for us to let our own tank run empty -- there is always a crisis, always someone else who needs something more.

Maybe we can help you think through some areas where you can take care of yourself. Steal some minutes for yourself, or gift yourself something you have control over, like massage once a month (to get those needs met for oxytocin!).

If you decide you do want to lose weight, would it be for you? Losing weight for someone else seems like it could end up badly, especially if losing the weight didn't change your husband's behavior.

My son's father (N/BPD) called me names (pig, cow, chubby) and I'm not overweight. It took a lot of work to realize I had to treat myself the way I wanted others to treat me. It was like breaking a spell, to focus on how things felt, what felt good, and then have confidence to treat myself as worthy based on my own beliefs.

When your husband focuses on your weight, he successfully diverts his attention and yours away from issues he is responsible for.  

[TryingHope4758]

Thank you all so much for the responses. I really appreciated hearing from others' experiences. I do want to lose weight, but I really do think my stress level is so high that it's very difficult for me. I don't eat or exercise like I should, but I'm so exhausted mentally and physically everyday that I don't have the energy. I'm perfectly motivated to lose weight for myself, but it really hurts being told by someone I love that I need to be he is not attracted to me.

I think it's important for me to make time for myself so that I can exercise and perhaps even have a minute to relax. I will really have to try hard at this. Between my job and kids, I don't have a lot of time.

Thanks again for sharing your stories. It means a lot to me. I'm glad I joined this site! 

[Notwendy]

Although they can come up with "reasons", the actual reason for the devaluation is within themselves. Often the reason seems valid to us because it triggers a part of us we may feel badly about.

If there is any reason for you to make a change, it would be for you to be happier with yourself and to have better health. I suspect that if you did, the devaluation might still be an issue, because it is intrinsic to the dynamics of the relationship on their part. The difference is that- when we feel confident and good about ourselves- these times do not feel so personal and we can not feel as hurt by them.

Self care is important and we tend to forget this when we are focused on the well being of others. I think it would be great for you to make time for you at the gym. Not for body image, not for your H, but because of the benefits to you. Exercise is great for stress, for your health and the endorphins are a plus. Eating healthy is also a way to take care of yourself. You are worth investing in you.

Often I think people take on diets that feel punitive and deprive themselves. This isn't self care. A focus on exercise and eating healthy is taking care of you. In time - this can result in attaining a healthy weight. Don't approach this as losing weight- make this about gaining a happier you.

[Tattered Heart]

My husband used to call me fat and tell me I needed to lose weight. He would also say he wasn't attracted to me. I did lose weight (although I've put it back on) and when I began losing the weight he would then tell me that I would start dressing to attract other men. THe problem is not your weight. THe problem is that he knows this is a sensitive area for you and so when he feels down on himself, he will pick on you about it.

As I said, I put the weight back on and he never said another word about it. One of the reasons I believe he stopped was because I didn't let it get to me anymore. He stopped getting a reaction out of me when he called me fat. I told him that I had decided to focus on health not weight and he no longer had ammo to use against me. Try not to give him an emotional reaction to the name calling. Next time he says that, simply (and unemotionally) say. "I don't like being called fat. It hurts my feelings." THen walk away and go about your day. Remind yourself that he is really feeling bad about himself.

[livednlearned]

Being mentally and emotionally exhausted is tough when you're caring for kids and a disordered adult. I know how hard it is to carve out time for yourself.

Last year I finally realized if I didn't take care of myself, no one would. I took a mindfulness-based stress reduction class (MBSR) and began daily mindfulness practice. Even mindfulness for 5 min in the car waiting to pick my son up from school made a difference. It interrupts the chronic build-up of stress and sort of resets things, giving you a break that doesn't interfere with the challenging commitments and burdens that aren't always easy or possible to let go of.

Stress can really destroy everything you are working so hard to maintain -- let yourself matter. In these relationships, it's a matter of shoring up the emotional strength needed to do this for the long-haul.


 

[Lockjaw]

If you will make yourself go for a walk, you will not be tired after. It will make you feel better. It increases good chemical production in your brain.

As you do it more, you will find you have more energy and will feel better about yourself. Just be sure to wear clothing so people can see you if you walk and night, and walk in a safe place, or carry a gun or mace.

I also relate to hearing the attacks on the area's you are sensitive to. Mine is my issues with my dad. And having 2 kids and being custodial parent is rough. Dealing with a BP as well, that is way way way more stress.

Find something you can take out of your diet. Even if 200 calories a day. Then try to walk a few times a week. You will feel better and in a year will have lost weight. And be happy with yourself. It's not you, its him.