Relationship recycling, apologies, and reverse psychology

[KarmasReal]

This is a post I wan to merited it's a little in depth and speaks about a particular few behaviors associated with BPD. I will provide examples from my own relationship and hopefully you guys will have some feedback for me cause I'm really anxious to see what you think!

First I want to talk about splitting and relationship cycling. I've read elsewhere and seen first hand that every devaluation and break up becomes worse while each idealization isn't as strong as the first either.

I would have to agree, out of our 4, now, break ups each one became more harsh from the first being very nice, "I was right person, wrong time", "I still love you", etc. to the next one her being a little more detached, still texting me, wanting to see me some, but it seem mostly sex based, it was also around Christmas and she didn't even get me a present, even though I did, just because we were a little on and off at the time. The next break up was the night before my birthday, she left me at the house to go see a friend and drink, said "she would rather be around her friends on her birthday" so it wasn't a big deal, said I was a "drama queen" for being upset, said she "didn't love me in an always and forever way". This last time was the worst, found her texting a guy she had a previous "relationship" with. The texts weren't bad but she shouldn't have been doing it anyway. She didn't apologize or try to make amends though, she tore into me. Describing in painful detail vulgar stuff she did with people when we weren't in a relationship. It was sick and hurtful. She also once again we just go back together because as she put it, "it's better the devil you know, then the one you don't".

So that describes that, each time we got back together, there was never any relationship work or trying to build a better one, it was mostly sex based, going out and having fun based. Then after a little while of that we fell right back into the relationship never making any changes. as I learned more I tried to set boundaries, tried to make my intentions and the consequences clear to her, but she still seemed to not care or see as we just broke up a week ago.

So that's thought one. Second I noticed no matter what she ever did she never apologizes. Not for one mean word, action, or break up. She will have a thousand excuses but never apologize. I read apologies are near impossible for a BPD because they are so full of guilt and shame anyways, they can't bear to admit what they have done is wrong or hurt someone. They just pretend it doesn't even though they know otherwise. Whether this is true I don't lmao, it applies to my situation it seems, what about yours?

Every time we got back together she didn't call and apologize and want to work on things, she text one time saying she missed me, she became more interested in texting and seeing no me the next time we were on and off and nicer, she "ran" into me out the next time after we broke up. Always an excuse for us seeing each other but never talking about the past. Now this time she hasn't spoken to me since she said the awful things and did what she did.

However she has left pictures of us up on social media, particularly Instagram. She has even left our profile pic up on hers. And since she has posted on there so I know she sees it. She posted a convo she had with her friend who's mom passed and she was talking about prayer, and God blessing her, and letting love out to people. Which all sounds nice but doesn't sound like her, don't even know if she believes in God. And she didn't post it to Facebook which would make more sense she posted to Instagram knowing I would see she was using t while leaving all our pics up. It almost feels like her usual reverse psychology to show me something to re-engage her. It's pretty thin, but it also makes perfect sense. I know she must have a ton of guilt for Doing what she did, she feels like she has no right to actually talk to me, and I would have to talk to her. We were in the process of doing a lot of stuff, buying a house together, etc. so I don't know.

What do you guys think about all that? Any and all feedback is much appreciated!

[KarmasReal]

I know this is a long post but, please I'm curious as to the answers you have for this behavior.

[Julia S]

You talk about all the break ups and the relationship getting worse. But because she's BPD it's making you question everything she's doing now. Whereas the real question is what do you want, and do you honestly think you can have a good long term relationship with her? I'm thinking that if you buy a house with her then split up permanently, you'll come out of it financially as well as emotionally scarred.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Karma-

Both of the situations you describe are common in relationships with borderlines.

Borderlines don't have a fully formed self of their own, so they attach to someone to feel "whole" and "complete".  And once the attachment is formed they fear losing it, fear of abandonment, and fear losing themselves in their partner, fear of engulfment, ever-present, opposing fears.  So when you broke up it was interpreted as abandonment, regardless of the actual circumstances, so when you got back together trust was eroded and abandonment fears triggered more easily, so the behavior was likely more extreme.  Borderlines hate to lose an attachment however, so there was still desire to see if it was still in place, while also looking for and establishing other attachments, since the current partner can now be trusted less and the attachment more fragile.

And apologizing for something includes taking responsibility for behaviors, which someone with a shame-based disorder finds difficult to do, since they will likely conclude that they made a mistake because they're "defective" and the shame would be triggered.  So everything has to be the partner's fault.

And remember, feelings are facts for borderlines, in the moment, so if she is in need of emotional soothing and you're available, then reconnect as if nothing happened in the past, which for her it didn't, not because she doesn't remember, but because the feelings of the moment take priority.

I'm sorry you're going through that Karma.  But you are going through it.  The upside, once we get a handle on why borderlines do what they do, is to accept it, it is what it is, and then shift the focus from her to you, and fast as you can make that happen, and then look at how you reacted to her behaviors, what you made things mean and why; there's lots of value there, the gift of the relationship, as we dig and discover what our deepest-held beliefs about ourselves, our partners, and relationships are, unearthed during a time of stress and chaos, which is handy because it exposes our true selves to ourselves.  Take care of you!