Too Little, Too Late...?

[Swhitey]

Hey everyone,

I am concerned that my partner exhibits many traits of BPD (idealization, clingy, devaluation, etc.) throughout the course of our relationship. I have read a lot of the articles here on this website recently, and others on BPD for several months now and the article titled How a Borderline Relationship Evolves spoke volumes to how our relationship has progressed. It was Jaw dropping how accurate the progression was described. It has only been in the last few days that I have really begun to truly understand what BPD characteristics look like and how they relate to my situation. To put it bluntly, I’m in a lot of emotional pain, and my self-esteem had taken a serious nosedive in the last year. Fortunately I have begun a low dose of anti-depressants (to dull the emotional reactions I have to the perceived character assassinations I feel I receive on a daily basis) in hopes of responding as opposed to reacting to the things that are said to me, making things worse. As well, a family friend who is a psychologist is meeting with me until I can receive counseling services under my medical plan in the New Year. These have helped me tremendously as I traverse this emotional mine field, living with a partner suffering from BPD symptoms.
We are a blended family, she has 2 kids and I have 1. One of her children is a sweet little boy who happens to have downs syndrome and autism which has presented some added challenges to the relationship dynamic, however; having him in my life has also given me so much added love and joy I also could never have had. Both of her kids have, they are wonderful young children and I care deeply for them as well, as if they were my own. 
When we first met, we both fell in love with each other quite deeply. It was intense. Never had I been so… venerated by someone and told how wonderful I was, how no one could compare to me as a partner; emotionally, personally, sexually, as a partner, as a father. I couldn’t help but feel at the time “Wow! This person see’s in me what all my past romantic partners did not and she feels that I see that in her too!” and I did feel that way at the time, truly. It was all quite intoxicating. Sure, there were some traits or behaviors that presented themselves early on, but I wrote them off as part of the human condition of having flaws. Everyone has flaws; I can accept those “flaws” and love them too. Part of a mature relationship is understanding that no one is perfect and to have realistic expectations of what one wants in a partner in life, am I wrong in that regard?

We moved in together after being together for 7 months (I needed a place to live and she wanted to get her kids into a better school district), and so that our kids could go to the same school and build relationships with each other. We were building a family together and there was so much that felt so right at the time.  This is when things began to change, suddenly I’m not living up to promises, or not pulling my weight with the house work (I work full time, she hasn’t had a job in 10 years and is at home all day) we would have these… disagreements, or misunderstandings about something and she would end up in tears, retreating to the bedroom, ending up in a PTSD episode. I’m the one to blame and I am flooded with criticisms about the promises I broke and what I did to hurt her. I would concede to her requests for change because here I thought I was doing something wrong and this was important to her, I thought this would increase her happiness, peace in the house resulting in peace and happiness for me as well.

Little did I know that there would be many more hoops for me to jump though before I realized what was going on. By the time I had a better idea, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I have been very defensive and angry, frustrated and confused. I was reacting to every little criticism or comment and it has eroded some much care and compassion that I thought we shared for each other. Currently I am moving out for January first, to rebuild my self-esteem and have a sanctuary where I can collect my thoughts without the constant pressure of the dysfunctional topics about our relationship she wants to change. It’s all we talk about and it is such a downer, there is nothing happy of positive she wishes to talk about and she is always in tears. (I too have experienced many tears as a result of the hurtful words that have been directed towards me)

We agreed and are set up for couples counseling in the New Year in hopes to improve our communication and repair the relationship and we have decided that we will still continue to date each other exclusively as we have both expressed that we want to be together. Recently in the last few days I have been able identify better my role in exacerbating the conflict in the home to adopt a more validating communication when listening to her, thanks to some of the articles here on this site. It has created some calm in the house and rebuilt an iota of trust back, as well I am getting better at being less defensive and taking her cutting judgments of me less personally, though I still have a lot of work for myself in regards to emotional intelligence but I am confident I can achieve those goals. My fear right now is that it may be too little too late in the long run. I guess what I am looking for is some validation that I am not inherently flawed as a person or a partner and seek guidance on what I may be able to improve upon to improve my relationship and quality of life. I really love this woman and her kids are so very special to me, I don’t want to lose them and their love as well.

Thanks for reading my long winded introduction, this is the first time I have reached out to an online community for support 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hisaccount]

If she is still there it is not too late. I have read a bunch but what I have learned from living it is don't let things go on.
Before I knew what was happening with her I found myself circling the drain. I was no good for her and probably what drove her to leaving and filing divorce.
So here you are you see that you need help and you know she needs help. If you can fix yourself maybe you will see this isn't what you want? Or maybe it is exactly what you want, but you cannot decide that now.

They need lots of validation. You need to force yourself on her basically. Lots of hugs, hand holding. The things a young loving couple would do. When she is raging at you, go up to her and give her a hug.
It doesn't matter what she is saying, she is running through emotions that are real but the facts behind them may not be. So you have to be strong enough to let her get it out and still be there for her.

Before i learned of her behavior traits I would often tell her that she can't talk to me that way and expect me to be warm and loving because what she said really hurt me.
She was warm and bubbly to everyone but me. I often told her I wanted her to treat me like a stranger, but they can't they only let one or two people into their inner circle and we get all of the garbage and everyone else gets the good.
The example I would use is, You can't beat a dog then expect him to come running to you all warm and loving.
But that is exactly what they expect.
Even when they are cold and closed off. They expect you to keep chasing them.

I spent 10 years with my wife before she left me, after which I found out about BPD. Would it have made a difference in the end?
I am starting to believe no. But maybe, I know I would like to have the chance to find out.

If you locked your wife in the trunk of your car for two hours how do you think she will act when you open it?
If you lock a dog in the truck of your car for two hours, when you pop the trunk that dog is so happy to see you it is about to piss itself.
Be the dog.

[VitaminC]

Hi there Swhitey,



I'm glad you found us and and reached out for support. I had never done any such thing either, when I arrived here last year, one year ago today, in fact, and have been enormously benefited by the information and support of other members. I am sure you will find the community to be similarly welcoming and useful.  

Your early relationship days sound wonderful indeed and many of us will recognise the good feeling of seemingly having our best qualities truly appreciated. When all of the joy of finding such a good fit in another person begins to turn into something else, it is incredibly painful. I am sorry that you are in emotional pain at the moment.

Sure, there were some traits or behaviors that presented themselves early on, but I wrote them off as part of the human condition of having flaws. Everyone has flaws; I can accept those “flaws” and love them too. Part of a mature relationship is understanding that no one is perfect and to have realistic expectations of what one wants in a partner in life, am I wrong in that regard?

You're not wrong. It's just a question of how big the gap is between acceptable flaws and the unacceptable ones. That is, extreme situations aside, very different for everyone.  

Part of the learning that happens here is, as you might have gathered already, about BPD itself and how similarly it presents in different individuals. If your partner meets enough of the criteria, communication between you will be fraught, especially if you are not aware of how you may be contributing to an unhealthy dynamic.  This is not in any way to say you are doing anything wrong, just that most of us have found that improving our communication skills can go some distance to improving the relationship as a whole.

We agreed and are set up for couples counseling in the New Year in hopes to improve our communication and repair the relationship and we have decided that we will still continue to date each other exclusively as we have both expressed that we want to be together.

Couples counseling can be helpful, certainly. If you really do suspect BPD in your partner, it might be helpful to have a therapist who is familiar with the condition.

Recently in the last few days I have been able identify better my role in exacerbating the conflict in the home to adopt a more validating communication when listening to her, thanks to some of the articles here on this site.

That's great! There are two things there: 1) paying attention to yourself- how you feel and what you need and how you express / fulfill the needs and 2) how you really hear what your partner is saying, validate the emotion if not the facts of what she is saying (these may or may not be accurate) and learn to respond in a way that is true and helpful to you both.

My fear right now is that it may be too little too late in the long run. I guess what I am looking for is some validation that I am not inherently flawed as a person or a partner and seek guidance on what I may be able to improve upon to improve my relationship and quality of life. I really love this woman and her kids are so very special to me, I don’t want to lose them and their love as well.

Although it's understandable you worry about this (I've certainly been there), maybe don't think of yourself in terms of being flawed or not. We're all flawed, if you want to look it that way. Our 'flaws' are part of what make us unique and kind of beautiful, I would argue.  

Where there is hope, there is the possibility of improvement. There are tools and other members who will read what you write and hear what you say and tell you a bit about how their journey has been. Some good tools to start with are here in the banner on the right.

We bring all of ourselves, our genetics and our history, to a relationship, the good and the bad, and the only thing that makes us bad partners is not looking honestly and with desire for growth. The very fact that you are here and have written what you have written shows that you both care and are willing to make an effort to look deeply and think deeply and act out of love. Those are powerful things.

Looking forward to more from you, Swhitey.

[Swhitey]

Thank you HIsaccount and VitaminC, both comments have provided me with insights and support I am looking for to help me move forward and grow. I will be definately be utilizing the lessons on the right hand pane of the forum. So many of these skills are transferable to all forms of relationships with people, whether they have mental heath issues or not.

Sadly shortly after posting this, my partner has called off the counseling and stated that we are done. It was a hard pill to swallow and I am extremely hurt and disappointed, not so much with her but her behaviour. Fortunately I have not gone to drastic measures and reacted defensively, though the urge is strong to want to try and get her to think rationally and show empathy. It's a shame because I don't think that I can be the "dog locked in a truck" and be happy and excited to see her when she decides to open it, IF she decides to open the trunk again this time anyways.

This toxicity is consuming me and I feel I need to get out before I disappear. I have a responsibility to myself and my son right now and I can no longer be there for her (and even worse) her children which is real shame because I love those kids and they have done nothing wrong. I enjoyed being their step father, they brought me so much joy and I believe I brought them joy as well. I am losing 3 important people I care deeply for, and it is painful... .

[Hisaccount]

Come hang out in the detachment forum that is where all the cool kids are. LOL

Seriously, very sorry. I know what you are saying and even though it was a short relationship they cut deep. Very deep. Part of the disorder.
Letting go can be hard, so many of us are going through it, you are not alone.

Hopefully you have friends you can lean on.
This is better, it really is. Your heart may not believe it but keep reading and your mind will see that if she is not seeking help or committed to making it work then this is the best for all involved.

[Swhitey]

LOL, my mom says I'm cool, so it seem I may be hanging out in that forum soon enough it seems... .

I am very angry with this disorder, not her, though sometimes it is hard to separate the two. She is undiagnosed and lost her marbles earlier this year when her therapist suggested to her that she exhibits characteristics of BPD. I have great friends and family who are providing the best support they can. A kind neighbor is a retired counsellor and has graciously taken me in once a week to provide me with counselling services until I get official help from my heathcare system.

It is really hard when someone explicitly puts all the blame you for the failure of a relationship, which she did, and takes no responsibility for what she has contributed to it's demise. My heart is broken yeat again, while I am still picking up the peices of the last heartbreak. It is time for me to go an rebuild it where the likelyhood of it getting smashed to peices again is less.

Thank you for your kind words of support, it really goes a long way!

[VitaminC]

I am sorry to hear that, Swhitey.

It's very good that you have supportive friends and family and a counsellor to help you through a difficult time. I can understand that your loss of not only the relationship with your partner but also with her children is particularly painful.

It's good that you are on this board, reading and interacting with other members. That helped me a lot in the early days and I think it's fair to say that, despite my own resourcefulness and decent support networks, I would have been lost without the folks on this site. Just writing things out helped me to think and be clearer and calmer and people said insightful things and asked questions that showed me, again and again, that I wasn't the fool I thought I was for having stayed in such a damaging relationship for as long as I did.

Keep posting. We're all here .

[Lockjaw]

Flawed person here... .and I am told all the time.

the more I have been here, and opened up and confessed what I have had happen, the better I feel about myself. A BP has a way of twisting every situation to make it ok for them to act the way they do. It is mind boggling.

I was going through this last night with my GF (AGAIN) and I almost just started laughing. It's so predictable. I am not the brightest guy when it comes to women, and it takes me a while to catch on. But I have her number now.

I just need to work on dealing with it better. I have been successful at diffusing things, but I have yet to find a sure fire way.  Sometimes I can diffuse a couple, then BAM, something is said that just makes me angry. Its easier if I am not in front of her. Texting works better for me, and I have a copy of what is said. She of course likes to talk.

I try to keep in mind she can't help it. That is hardest. Sometimes I just point blank ask, why can't you make the connection between the action and the result? She can't.

I am a wired to fix it person. And it is so defeating to not be able to fix her or help.

[Swhitey]

Thanks VitaminC And Lockjaw

Sharing is helping, A LOT! Lockjaw, you are right, the patterns seem somewhat predictable and I too am workingon how to deal with it better. If I can change the way I think about it, it will change how I feel about it. and it just take consistent practice for my behaviour to stick and become more natural, but it feels like I'm learning to tie my shoe in a fire fight (o.0) I grew up watching my dad "rescue" my mom from depression and eating disorders and I think I am wired in a similar way, plus as men, we like to fix things. It's sort of a double whammy :P

A leading doctor, specializing in Schizopherenia was asked "So, how do you treat Schizopherenia?" The wise doctor stated "I don't, I treat the person"

This is something that has always stuck in my mind, though a lot of time really hard to practice when someone ire is directed at me. It is a beautiful way of thinking if can can catch it in the moment when my partner is experiencing extreme symptoms and is triggered by BPD. But it makes it easier to show her compassion and care when I do, because I know she can't help it and I love her.

I never understood what the "child like behavior" meant when reasearching Boarderline Structures. But then I witnessed a 2 year old in a shopping mall throwing a tantrum because he didn't get to go into the toy store... .I think I am starting to get the bigger picture now of what that means... .I could be wrong. I'll have to practice it, but when she is in a highly emotional state, feeling hurt, sad, anrgy, and ultimately scared I may try to visualize her more as a small child, and how I might approach someone emotionally immature. I just need to make sure it doesn't come across as patronizing or condescending, beacue it won't but so many things I say get mis-interpreted.

Bottom line she seemed kind of guilty for her behavior earlier in the day and tried to make peace and apologized. I was still a little weary of her though and kept my distance not really engaging in any conversations, but I was polite and sincere. She wanted us to sleep in the same bed told me she was thinking of me all day. I had an opportunity to be compassionate, but I did not have the energy to try in the event I said something wrong or opened up the door for more discussions about our relationship "issues"

This is so confusing and exhausting... .

[Swhitey]

I'm done... .I can't continue with her anymore. I've decided that I do not have the strength to deal with her behaviors. I am just too drained at this point, and far to hurt to keep my hurt and pain inside. I am broken. I explained to her that since we are not together and in a relationship anymore, but having to live together, that it is inappropriate for us to share the same bed. It is too confusing for me and I need a clean break from "us" whatever that is now (at this point I know I'm in a lot of pain and am having my own issues controlling how my emotions are driving me) I guess perhaps maybe I am protecting myself so that I don't get sucked back into the make/break up dance... .I'm not handling this in the best way I want to or know I can. I want to be caring, kind and compassionate, but that has always led to confusion for me and what I know is best for me in this case. I have realized that I may be the type of person referred to as a "the white knight" and I know I am 100% responsible for what I contributed to this relationship. It is disappointing to me because I wish that she would have the same attitude and take responsibility for her contributions to what led to this... .this dysfunction. But I know that expectation is unrealistic and I need to let that go. I am going to be the "bad guy" coming out of this, she blames me for everything. If I had just done this and kept this promise or that promise then everything would have been fine, and I believed that for far too long, jumping through and changing (or tried to... .) whatever it was that was causing her her pain in the moment. Just being around her right now hurts so bad... .This is not the woman I fell in love with. She said she still wanted me in her life as a friend, but to me, why would anyone want to have me in their life if they truly believed all the hurtful things I have "done" to them?

I feel like I am borderline sometimes lately because I am being driven so intensely by my emotions, though my therapist doesn't believe so and I likely experiencing anxiety and situational depression... .

Sorry if I'm venting but I am just so low right now and have now where else to express where someone might understand... .

[Grimbog]

I'm done... .I can't continue with her anymore. I've decided that I do not have the strength to deal with her behaviors. I am just too drained at this point, and far to hurt to keep my hurt and pain inside. I am broken.

Hi Swhitey,

I know exactly how you feel and a lot of what you said as resonated with my own story. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to not think about what they are going through, as doing so would only eat away at our own sense of identity. You mentioned about being a fixer, which is exactly the same problem I have... .you see someone ill, its only natural to try and support them. It must be extremely difficult when you're living together and yet cast as a friend rather than a romantic partner.

This may sound hard to do right now and it'll depend on the person, but I think opening up about how you feel (ie. to say that you have a right to have your needs and feelings acknowledged, to be heard, and have encouragement rather than emotional abuse) with your partner but respecting each others limit and boundaries may be one way to try and mitigate the situation - I'm not sure how possible it may be but you need to look after yourself right now, and then consider the relationship second... .theres nothing wrong with saying that you can only be there as a committed partner but need to take personal responsibility for your own well-being.

[Swhitey]

Grimbog, You put it just right for me to frame it in my mind in the simplest, easiest way possible:

"you see someone ill, its only natural to try and support them"

This is something that I am going to be focusing on in my therapy. I know I observed this with my parents growing up. My mom suffered mental illness', my dad trying to save her. I observed it at a formative age and belived this to be noble, and was taught that this is what love looks like. Its only natural that I might (and have) behave this way in my romantic relationships and seek out or attract partners that will fulfill this unconcious need of mine. As well my chosen partner will see this in me (likey unconciously as well) to facilitate thier need to be "rescued" and stay in the comfortable role they have always known.

I have since moved out and am starting a no contact agreement with myself. At this time for the duration of the month I will have to have some contact, I need to coordinate getting my furniture and such, say goodbye to the kids etc, but I can nolonger be "support for my former partner" I had to lay out some pretty harsh boundaries this weekend and at times I wasn't as kind as I know I can be which resulted in more tears on her part. I have resolved not to be mean or say things that I know are hurtful to her. She is a person first who derserve kindess, compassion, and other forms of love. Right now I see her world is crashing down on her and she has little social support structures in place, no real finacially means to support herself and her kids, her car is breaking down, and I just learned from her ex-husband that he is filing for shared custody or their 2 kids meaning she will be losing a significant amount of finacial support from him. She has thrown me out and I can no longer "help" her the way she wants to be helped. Truly, I am worried she might attemp suicide again as this situation is playing out like her last marrige did, and I worry and care about those two little boys as well as I do care about her. I reached out to her ex to inform him to look for signs as he still has to maintain some form of contact with her because of the children and I can no longer observe her behaviours.

Right now though my main focus is going to be on me, and with loads of therapy: 1) To learn more about what drives me as I understand why I feel I the only way for someone to love me is if I save them and how to develop a healthier mindset and boundaries when it comes to relationships. 2) To understand and become more aware of what my contributions were in this past relationship and how I enabled this drama that ultimately led to seoparation. 3) accept the fact and come to terms that I will not experience the unheathy idealization that was projected (but felt ooh soo good, like heroin addict might feel after a hit probably) and to grieve that loss.

I have work to do and have begun to take steps in my own journey to heal, recover and grow. While I may be quite sad, angry, hurt, lonely, scared, I know I have made the right decision for me and my son and better understand the dynamics of a boarderline structure and how this relationship will not work and could never have worked. I did the very best I could and did it with dignity and class as much as I could. My friends an family tell me I did more that what most people would do, which I think many people on this board also do for their partern/ex partners who suffer from BPD traits. I will be leaning on this board for support and further undertanding a wonderful resource and a place of solidarity for me having read many posts of others sharing similar experiences.

Thank you to everyone here