divorce advise

[papapilates]

I am a 73 year old male married for 19 years to a borderline.  Before I retired 3 years ago I focused most of my time and energy to my consulting practice.  Now, spending much more time with my spouse has become a nightmare for me and I realize divorce is the only answer to preserve myself.  I would appreciate any tips for proceeding with this action.  I have some concern about physical abuse.

[Mutt]

Hi papapilates,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. 19 years is a long history. You've been retired for 3 years? Is she retired too? Did things start to get worse after you retired or wad it before that?  What are your concerns?

Many of us here share similar experiences, this is a safe place to share your thoughts and feelings without judgment or invalidation. It helps to talk about it.

[Turkish]

What's going on regarding the physical abuse?

[heartandwhole]

Welcome papapilates,

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is breaking down, and that you are concerned about physical abuse. That is very hard to deal with. I'm very glad you posted, as you've found a community that understands. The site also has tons of tools and resources that can help.

When you are ready, please give a bit more background into your situation. What behaviors are the most difficult for you now? Do you have supportive family and/or friends to lean on?

Keep writing, it really helps. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[livednlearned]

Hi papapilates,

19 years with a BPD spouse is a long time.   What are her behaviors like? What triggers the conflicts? Maybe we can talk about some skills that prevent things from getting worse -- has she been physically abusive in the past?

If possible, do not talk about divorce with her. Not until you have gathered information and have a plan. This will ensure your safety and hers.

Being 5 steps ahead of your partner makes it much easier to manage the process in a way where she doesn't inflict excessive and unnecessary damage to herself and to you.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

If she is of retirement age too then she doesn't have much right to claim she's been dumped, abandoned, tossed aside or whatever, after all, she was married for well over 10 years and once divorced she can get her retirement based upon your work history, probably much higher than hers.

Of course, she will claim she was dumped, abandoned, tossed aside, whatever.  From her unrealistic perspective, that's probably how she perceives it.