Stuck in pattern

[loyalwife]

Hi!
   My husband is a BPD, to the tee. We have been married for almost 2 years, and his symptoms have steadily gotten worse. He clearly makes decisions and then regrets making them. My autistic son is now living with us for a short period of time while he goes to college. It has been a long road, finding the right medications for him and a career that fits with his OCD tendencies. He was invited here, and as time goes on, it is apparent that my husband resents his presence and is jealous. I have changed my approach to my son to not cause waves, but my husband still is jealous. He wants my son out of the house one minute and then next says it is okay. When he is in his 'mood', his facial features change and his eyes are wide and he sighs a lot. This lasts anywhere from a few hours to a few days. I have kept a journal and it is a consistent cycle. Five to seven days 'normal' and then he is in the dark mood. During this time he is easily angered and makes threats about taking his own life or harming my son. His threats are alarming as he is specific as to what he wants to do. When he 'comes to' and is normal I ask him if this were a true statement. He denies it and sometimes doesn't remember even saying anything. He recently started anti-depressants (Prozac) and it is helping him stay more level. We are seeing a marriage counselor and I have asked her to encourage that he seek therapy individually. After his latest dark mood, I asked him what I could do to help him through it. He told me not to put so much credence on what he was saying and that the less involved I was the better it would be. Does this mean that it is best to disconnect and remove myself, and my son from the environment? How do I not add to the flame?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi loyalwife,



Sorry to hear you have so much on your plate to deal with at this time.  It would be very trying for anyone going through such difficulties.  You've found a place where you can gain knowledge, get understanding, and share your thoughts freely.  Many members here have or are going through similar situations, and it's helpful to know that you are not alone. 
The suicide and homicide ideations are an immediate red flag that one would want address.  Has he/you had any discussions about these episodes with a therapist?  When they do occur has he contacted a local hotline to discuss his condition/thoughts?
You mention what do you do to not add to the flame.  Does this mean he gets agitated and shows signs of rage/anger?
To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that will prove very helpful in your journey.  One thing many of us learned is that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  Understanding the illness and its nuances and implementing some new communication techniques can improve the environment. 
It's encouraging to hear that he is willing to participate in counseling.  Has there been any thought of individual therapy for him? 
I encourage you to share here as you feel comfortable... .I personally found sharing to be very therapeutic... .and consequently the more I shared the more I got in return.  We are here.   

[once removed]

hi loyalwife, id like to join drained1996 and say

the threats certainly sound unnerving, how are you coping? are you safe?

[Naughty Nibbler]

          

I like to join Drained1966 & Once Removed in welcoming you:  
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You really have your hands full, with both your son and husband.  It sounds like a good approach to get your joint therapist to convince your husband to go to individual counseling.  Who prescribed the Prozac for him, a psychiatrist or a primary care doctor? Does your husband have any healthy things he tries to use in order to sooth himself, when he is in an agitated state?
 

We are seeing a marriage counselor and I have asked her to encourage that he seek therapy individually. After his latest dark mood, I asked him what I could do to help him through it. He told me not to put so much credence on what he was saying and that the less involved I was the better it would be. Does this mean that it is best to disconnect and remove myself, and my son from the environment? How do I not add to the flame?

You need to take your husband's threats of suicide and/or harm to your son seriously.  It would be a good idea to have a plan in place to deal with his threats.  In light of your husband's request that you don't react to his threats, can you and your son leave the house for awhile (during an event of dysregulation)?  Perhaps have some options on where to go.

The links below have some helpful information about suicide prevention and safety:

SAFETY
SAFETY FIRST- CLICK HERE

SUICIDE PREVENTION
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

TEXT CRISIS LINE
www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works/

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLERANCE
   www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

[loyalwife]

Thank you all. I truly do not feel alone now.
His moods can cycle quickly, so sometimes I am blindsided. I have decided that a safety plan is of importance and although I cannot completely share with my son (he is autistic and this would send him into a panic) I am planning on removing both of us, smoothly and without as much emotionally charged fear as I can. If this escalated quickly I will have to call 911. I have reported him previously for threatening to hit me to the police and of course when they called him he denied it. I know of some outbursts of his from his past as he has shared them with me. He hasn't a criminal record and zero domestic violence in his past marriage of 22 years. Although I am suspicious that his ex-wife disconnected with him emotionally to save herself, eventually leaving him without notice. The Prozac was ordered by his primary physician and I am hoping that with our next marriage counseling session he will be encouraged to go to individual counseling. I mentioned the suicide threats to this counselor before, and he, of course, said he didn't mean it.  These threats are always specific ie. walking in front of a bus, jumping from the bridge, driving fast and the worst yet, taking a gun and blowing his head off in front of my son and I. These threats are always said during his darkest mood. I have decided to message the counselor about these new threats and the escalation of the episodes.
     This site has been helpful already in that I have viewed some of the videos and utilized the coping methods described to bypass the arguing. I used the SET, sympathy, empathy and Truth acronym when speaking with him and it helped. He just started to go downhill and after I let him know I realized how hard this was for him (the rainy weather for instance), he started in on my son and dogs again. I quickly let him know in a calm soothing voice that we would not be going down that path and that today we were going to have a good day, speaking of positive thoughts. It helped. But again, I know that all of this can change without notice.
     I love this man and will do all I can to help him. A friend shared with me that Prozac can take months to build up and really work. I'm hoping that this will at least help him regulate a little more and get into counseling. I don't believe in threats, so when I tell him that it is imperative to our future that he seek help, I mean it. I cannot live in fear.
    He doesn't have any 'tools' so to speak to help him through these episodes. I will do some investigating to find out if I can suggest some to him. Also, I would like to know if anyone has tried Fish Oil, or Omega 3 to regulate aggression? I recently read somewhere that there are trials testing this out. He has started supplements, just in case. Of course, I told him it was for his heart. The truth is , it's for both of our hearts.
     Thank you for all of your help

[Naughty Nibbler]

loyalwife:
I'm glad that you found using SET helpful   

  I mentioned the suicide threats to this counselor before, and he, of course, said he didn't mean it.  These threats are always specific ie. walking in front of a bus, jumping from the bridge, driving fast and the worst yet, taking a gun and blowing his head off in front of my son and I. These threats are always said during his darkest mood. I have decided to message the counselor about these new threats and the escalation of the episodes.

My understanding is that the more specific the threats of suicide are, the more seriously they should be taken.  Hopefully, if he owns a gun, it is removed from the home. (best if locked in a gun safe that he can't access).  Don't hesitate to call the police, if you think you need them.  Better to be safe than to have him hurt himself, you or your son.

  A friend shared with me that Prozac can take months to build up and really work. I'm hoping that this will at least help him regulate a little more and get into counseling. Also, I would like to know if anyone has tried Fish Oil, or Omega 3 to regulate aggression? I recently read somewhere that there are trials testing this out.   

All antidepressants can take a few weeks to gain benefits from (and for possible side effects to lessen or resolve).  People many times quit taking the meds due to side effects, so starting out with a low dose is the general approach.  There should be some benefit at the one month point.  The doctor will likely raise the dosage, until a target dosage is reached. 

I don't know about fish oil for aggression, but since it is good for his heart, it definitely can't hurt.  You mentioned the weather affecting his mood.  One thing to try, is bright light therapy.  People who are sensitive to mood issues during the Fall and Winter months, because of dreary weather and less light, can gain benefit from full spectrum light therapy.  You can buy bright light therapy lamps from various sources on the Internet. Generally, people sit in front of the lamps, at a specified distance, during the early morning hours (perhaps, 30 minutes or 1 hour).

He doesn't have any 'tools' so to speak to help him through these episodes. I will do some investigating to find out if I can suggest some to him.   

The link below has some strategies to use to improve the moment:
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

[drained1996]

Naughty Nibbler seems to have covered all the bases.  I'll just add that we are all here for you.  You are definitely not alone.  You seem to have a great handle on the situation and need to pat yourself on the back for the strength and courage you have.  Not many in your situation would or can handle things as well as you seem to be doing.   We are here anytime.   

[loyalwife]

    I have to admit that I feel crazy at times, as when he is 'normal', our life is consistent and pleasurable. In the back of my mind, I am always wondering how long this will last, and what will be the trigger to send him back into the darkness. Somehow, I think he knows this and can feel my hesitation. It is hard just to relax. I find myself avoiding certain conversations with him to keep the peace. For the last four or five months, I've kept a daily journal, documenting his moods and what he says during and after the escalation. As time has gone by, my writing has become stronger and with a conviction of taking care of myself and my son, rather than trying to fix my husband. I have gotten some great information about leading someone to treatment or therapy and realized that I must first gain his trust. He knows I love him and want the best for him now and in the future. Thank you all. I feel like I've found a new family here.

[drained1996]

We're happy you are comfortable here, remember we are here!  Keep us posted on how things progress.  Make sure to take care of YOU in these difficult times!