If I do this, am I only helping myself?

[Monge]

I've only broken up with my uxBPDgf (not sure if I abbreviated that correctly) and really solidified things within the last day or two by dropping off her stuff, blocking her from my phone, etc.

As I've been sitting here all night I have been considering writing out a handwritten letter to her because I feel like there are a number of things I want to make sure she really knows, but at the same time I don't want to do anything that will in actuality just end up sending her in to more of a downward spiral than I'm sure she is already in based on the way she has reacted to things in the past. 

I'm not talking about tearing in to her or calling out anything bad she has done... .I'm not interested in revenge or vilifying her for the bad ways she has behaved... .Any time our fights have gotten more serious/moved towards the end of the relationship (as well as over the past week that this has been going on), she at various times will mention how she's "not my problem any more", how now I "don't have to deal with her", "she will just be alone for the rest of her life like she is supposed to be", etc.

When we fight sometimes things have ended up getting kind of nasty because I have shared some of my vulnerabilities with her that she will attack and in response I have ended up doing the same which I think is part of the reason that over the long run things have really gone down hill.  I have been thinking of writing her a letter because I honestly want her to know all of the good things I think about her.  There are qualities she has that I truly and honestly value and admire and I really do want her to know how I feel about those things. 

The reason I'm asking is because I honestly don't want to cause her any more pain than I'm sure she is already feeling and earlier in the week while things were truly going downhill I said some things to her that were in line with my real desire for her to hear, know, and truly believe what I thought ("I don't think you did any of it intentionally and I know you're not some mean, horrible person", etc.) and she would response by saying things like "can you stop?", "this is just making this worse for me", "I can't handle it", "All I want to say is... .I love you", etc.

This is fairly in line with the responses I've gotten to compliments in the past in general... .After 18 months of more or less living together the whole time she still says she feels wildly uncomfortable changing in front of me (as in refuses to change if I don't look away or put my head under a blanket, etc.) and any time I've taken pictures of her she just tells me how "fat" and "ugly" she is, even though I honestly think (and tell her) that I think she is absolutely gorgeous.

I really want to write something to tell her how I truly feel so that she knows, but as I said I honestly don't want to cause her any more pain than I know she is feeling from me blocking her number, etc. and I don't want to do something like this for my own selfish reasons.  Does anyone have an idea of whether this would truly just hurt her or make her feel worse or could it potentially be something that would help her feel better?  She has cried before and seemingly deeply appreciated it when I have told her these things in the past when we have had our better/calmer moments, but then she always at some later point starts putting herself down... .  I'm just kind of lost right now and don't know up from down... .thank you everyone

[Kelli Cornett]

It's like you need her to constantly validate you cause you don't like yourself.

Please fix this. When you feel that way you won't need her to pump life into you. You will be attracted to healthier things.


I'd really try to cut off this addiction and get a hobby or do something that makes you feel better about yourself without drama involved.

[Monge]

It's like you need her to constantly validate you cause you don't like yourself.

Please fix this. When you feel that way you won't need her to pump life into you. You will be attracted to healthier things.


I'd really try to cut off this addiction and get a hobby or do something that makes you feel better about yourself without drama involved.

I am not looking or hoping for any kind of response, but I can see what you're saying.  I'm actually looking to get back in to a few of the different hobbies I had before dating this girl and am heading in to NYC Sat. night to chill with my friend from college and then visit one of my best friends from HS Sunday morning since he's stuck in the hospital for the foreseeable future.  Will definitely feel good to get away from where I am now and be back in NYC for the weekend.  The more I can do to get my mind off of all her crap the quicker the process will go

[heartandwhole]

Hi Monge,

I can really understand your wanting your gf to know these things. In your shoes, I'd feel the same. I was lucky in that I sort of got loving closure at the end of our breakup, in that we were both able to say how we felt about each other.

The messages were very brief, though, and didn't rehash anyone's behavior.

Because of her reactions before to this kind of reflection on your part, you might want to keep any message simple, short, and focused on how you feel, without too much focus on her or what transpired in your relationship.

Another option is to wait, write a letter and sit on it for awhile. This is very fresh for you, and sometimes our first impulses aren't the best for us. That said, whatever you decide, I think it's very normal to want to express what's in your heart. 

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Circle]

Monge,
I think that there is nothing wrong with what you want to do.
I don't think you need to ""Fix"" anything with yourself.
I think just 'accepting' how you feel would be helpful.
Accepting the painful reality of what you have had to struggle with.

If you feel the need to write the letter, then write it.
Send it, if you want to.
However, accept that the same unclear behavior on the part of your BPD person, will most likely result.
In other words, it would be therapeutic for you; so why not do it for yourself?
In other words, it most likely will not have any intended effect with your BPD person.
Don't expect any positive results from your BPD person.

Are you working on accepting who this person is?
Are you accepting that they can not be who you wish they were?
Are you accepting that being with them was a struggle?
No need to write replies to those questions; just something to think about.