Ex gf's terrifying meltdowns

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is a long read.

First of all, thank you to all of you out there. BPD Family and this message board is like a haven for me. We feel and share each other’s pain, trying to cope with the now and looking towards healing, that faint light on the horizon. I’m a newbie, discarded since 3 weeks, processing heavily.

I started this thread to tell you about my ex gf’s (she’s yet to be diagnosed, but meets all the criteria. Textbook basically) two big meltdowns, one in July and one in September this year. I’d really appreciate if you’d shared your experiences and thoughts with me. I have my doubts whether these rages were solely because of a presumed borderline personality disorder.

What are your experiences of physical abuse/self-harm when it comes to women with BPD? I’ve read that male pwBPD are more prone to assault their SO. It can be very confusing trying to get a grip of this disorder, and the related disorders in Cluster B. Anyhow, here goes:

MELTDOWN #1: In July my ex assaulted me after a quarrel blown out of proportion (she did the quarreling, I tried to stay calm). We were supposed to spend a week in a house in the countryside, there were only the two of us. After the first night she started complaining about having severe migraine and locked herself in, in a properly furnished shed in the yard. I was getting some sun, reading and just trying to enjoy the countryside silence (little did I know). She wouldn’t talk to me, and when she eventually let me inside the shed she started blaming me for not being of any help at all, not asking if there was anything she needed etc - not true though! She had the curtains drawn and was wearing shades (probably wasn’t a good idea that I then told her she seemed to come out of some American indie-movie... bad idea, it translated as sarcasm). Well, a long and confusing afternoon turned into evening. She was sulking, impossible to communicate with. We went to bed. She then after some arguing took my computer and started going through it looking for photographs of other women. She eventually found some ancient pics I wasn’t aware of, e.g. innocent pics of an ex-ex gf. She then proceeded to drench my laptop in the kitchen sink, and broke it in pieces. She threw my belongings in the darkened street, and then started to hit me badly. I was scratched, punched, pulled, shoved, nearly bit, you name it. You should have seen the bruises. After threatening to hit me with a pot and a glass bottle I quit. I just walked out in the night and catched the last bus into town, seconds flat, had to spend the night at a hotel, whilst filing a DV-police report. We didn’t communicate for almost one month after that. She started therapy - unconditionally - and we began seeing each other again.

MELTDOWN #2: Come September. I met her in town after a busy day. I had no idea what she was going through that afternoon. Found her squatting on the underground platform with a distant and foreboding look in the eyes. She was terribly exhausted, couldn’t do anything but whisper. She said “I feel just like the way I did before I assaulted you”. I told her we needed some fresh air and we went out in the street. She was very faint. Then what did I do? I ordered us a taxi to my place. Idiotic. When we got there she just threw herself onto my bed, with shoes, overcoat and all. Her cat then accidently pawed at her face, triggering a volcanic reaction. She started growling (the ex, not the cat) and moaning, spitting violently up in the air and letting the spit drop in her face, she lost all control, full throttle, threw a glass on the floor and cried violently. She then started pacing round, trying to pick up the shards, for to hurt herself, talking in a disconnected monotonous childlike voice with a weird and frightening little smile on her face. I tried to stop her, standing in the way, avoiding the glass shards, talking her out of it, but she persisted, “Noo, please, I neeed to know what it [cutting herself] feeels like”. I called her mother, the poor woman had to listen while my ex was sitting on the floor screaming and moaning, with me trying to talk to both at the same time (Way too much, all of this... .! Replaying this in my head... it’s... insane). I hung up and called the equivalent of 911 and after two dreadful and heartbreaking hours and a long talk to get her back to reality my ex was convinced to join the emergency psych unit to the emergency ward, for to spend the night there. I joined her in the ambulance that evening - one of my saddest memories ever. It breaks my heart. She then was let out the day after. She continued therapy and we continued seeing each other (in hindsight: I probably enabled her crazy behaviour). Threw me out 3 weeks ago since I wouldn’t apologize for something I never even did.

What are your thoughts on BPD violent otherworldy meltdowns? Please share your experiences.

[Keef]

This is a long read.

First of all, thank you to all of you out there. BPD Family and this message board is like a haven for me. We feel and share each other’s pain, trying to cope with the now and looking towards healing, that faint light on the horizon. I’m a newbie, discarded since 3 weeks, processing heavily.

I started this thread to tell you about my ex gf’s (she’s yet to be diagnosed, but meets all the criteria. Textbook basically) two big meltdowns, one in July and one in September this year. I’d really appreciate if you’d shared your experiences and thoughts with me. I have my doubts whether these rages were solely because of a presumed borderline personality disorder.

What are your experiences of physical abuse/self-harm when it comes to women with BPD? I’ve read that male pwBPD are more prone to assault their SO. It can be very confusing trying to get a grip of this disorder, and the related disorders in Cluster B. Anyhow, here goes:

MELTDOWN #1: In July my ex assaulted me after a quarrel blown out of proportion (she did the quarreling, I tried to stay calm). We were supposed to spend a week in a house in the countryside, there were only the two of us. After the first night she started complaining about having severe migraine and locked herself in, in a properly furnished shed in the yard. I was getting some sun, reading and just trying to enjoy the countryside silence (little did I know). She wouldn’t talk to me, and when she eventually let me inside the shed she started blaming me for not being of any help at all, not asking if there was anything she needed etc - not true though! She had the curtains drawn and was wearing shades (probably wasn’t a good idea that I then told her she seemed to come out of some American indie-movie... bad idea, it translated as sarcasm). Well, a long and confusing afternoon turned into evening. She was sulking, impossible to communicate with. We went to bed. She then after some arguing took my computer and started going through it looking for photographs of other women. She eventually found some ancient pics I wasn’t aware of, e.g. innocent pics of an ex-ex gf. She then proceeded to drench my laptop in the kitchen sink, and broke it in pieces. She threw my belongings in the darkened street, and then started to hit me badly. I was scratched, punched, pulled, shoved, nearly bit, you name it. You should have seen the bruises. After threatening to hit me with a pot and a glass bottle I quit. I just walked out in the night and catched the last bus into town, seconds flat, had to spend the night at a hotel, whilst filing a DV-police report. We didn’t communicate for almost one month after that. She started therapy - unconditionally - and we began seeing each other again.

MELTDOWN #2: Come September. I met her in town after a busy day. I had no idea what she was going through that afternoon. Found her squatting on the underground platform with a distant and foreboding look in the eyes. She was terribly exhausted, couldn’t do anything but whisper. She said “I feel just like the way I did before I assaulted you”. I told her we needed some fresh air and we went out in the street. She was very faint. Then what did I do? I ordered us a taxi to my place. Idiotic. When we got there she just threw herself onto my bed, with shoes, overcoat and all. Her cat then accidently pawed at her face, triggering a volcanic reaction. She started growling (the ex, not the cat) and moaning, spitting violently up in the air and letting the spit drop in her face, she lost all control, full throttle, threw a glass on the floor and cried violently. She then started pacing round, trying to pick up the shards, for to hurt herself, talking in a disconnected monotonous childlike voice with a weird and frightening little smile on her face. I tried to stop her, standing in the way, avoiding the glass shards, talking her out of it, but she persisted, “Noo, please, I neeed to know what it [cutting herself] feeels like”. I called her mother, the poor woman had to listen while my ex was sitting on the floor screaming and moaning, with me trying to talk to both at the same time (Way too much, all of this... .! Replaying this in my head... it’s... insane). I hung up and called the equivalent of 911 and after two dreadful and heartbreaking hours and a long talk to get her back to reality my ex was convinced to join the emergency psych unit to the emergency ward, for to spend the night there. I joined her in the ambulance that evening - one of my saddest memories ever. It breaks my heart. She then was let out the day after. She continued therapy and we continued seeing each other (in hindsight: I probably enabled her crazy behaviour). Threw me out 3 weeks ago since I wouldn’t apologize for something I never even did.

What are your thoughts on BPD violent otherworldy meltdowns? Please share your experiences.

[CooperD]

Hi Keef,

So sorry to read those two situations you described - I know just how scary it is being in the eye of the storm when one of the meltdowns is happening.  I experienced meltdowns almost identical to what you described with my BPD.

So many instances spring to mind -

Having to physically restrain her when she was smashing herself in the face with her fists and then her turning her violence on me - all because she had received a telephone call to the house phone regarding a job and I had passed her the telephone.

Having a police officer phone me at work because my BPD had decided to smash my bathroom to pieces and then report herself to the police !

Being stood in the reception at disneyworld at 2am with my face covered in blood after my BPD had attacked me several times over the course of the day.  Begging the disney staff to book me a hotel outside of the resort to escape.  My BPD then appeared in the reception with all my clothes and started putting them in he trash bin in front of myself and the disney staff.

Her begging to have sex and straight afterwards telling me that i had raped her.  She then spent hours and hours torturing me about how she was going to report me to the police (I have audio recordings as she didnt realise I had switched the recorder on my phone).

I dont know about you Keef but those instances are so vivid - when i close my eyes i am right back in the middle of the storm.

Could never ever cope with being in one of those situations again - i would rather lock myself in a room and never come out.

I was scared of my BPD for a long time - 5.1 feet tall and less than 50kg but never has someone scared me as much (i work in law enforcement too)

[Keef]

CooperD, thanks for sharing,

That's awful, just terrible, I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that! Did you ever call 911? I bet that if the relationship I was in would've continued I'd eventually have to make that call again, since things lately had a tendency to escalate. I agree with you - I could never cope with such terrifying behaviour again. If it happened once it's bound to happen again, it shows! I too can relate to the rape accusations. Later on this summer she was about to accuse me of the same, after I'd just shown her some loving. This too happened while we were on holiday. She could never handle trips. It messed with her already messed-up routines.

Oh yes, memories are vivid enough. I close my eyes and there I am. Everything in 3D, volume turned up to 11. Just over a month ago I dreamt she was attacking me with a pair of scissors, I woke up crying - which woke her up, very concerned. The morning after she said "You need to see a therapist"... .No CooperD, these things, we're not supposed to deal with them. Hope you are safe and in a better place now.

[CooperD]

No I never called the police on her.  The staff at disney were telling me to file a report and have her locked up but I always sought to calm situations which she took advantage of.  I work in law enforcement myself (which she knew) and so I was always hesitant to involve others due to the possible impact on my career (again something which she knew and used against me).

I relate to the comment you made about scissors - when we were talking on facetime and having a little argument she decided to take out a pair of scissors and start cutting herself live on camera knowing I was watching

[CooperD]

Hi Keef,

No I never called the police on her.  The staff at disney were telling me to file a report and have her locked up but I always sought to calm situations which she took advantage of.  I work in law enforcement myself (which she knew) and so I was always hesitant to involve others due to the possible impact on my career (again something which she knew and used against me).

I relate to the comment you made about scissors - when we were talking on facetime and having a little argument she decided to take out a pair of scissors and start cutting herself live on camera knowing I was watching

[Pipedreamer25]

Hi Keef,

I'm sorry to hear of your experiences.  I experienced some horrible rages from my exBPDbf.  They were particularly bad when he was experiencing drug addiction.   

There was one time when he just refused to let me sleep, it was 3am and he wanted to argue with me despite me having a 9-5 job. He said that I was abandoning him and being selfish for going to sleep.  He couldn't understand that I couldn't stay up to watch another show.   There was absolutely nothing I could do to appease him.  He stormed around the apartment despite my begging him to stop.  He leant down in bed and whispered to me about how he fantasized about smashing my head in against a brick wall and escaping me forever.  I have never been so terrified.  The next morning he couldn't remember a thing.  BPD and amphetamines a real winning combination!

Another one happened when he was drunk.  I got home from work and he was lying in bed.  He said that I didn't seem happy to see him and I told him I was worried he was drunk again.  He just went on the attack and nothing I could do could appease him, absolutely nothing I said or did - it was horrible.  I just started to cry as his comments got nastier.  I remember falling to the floor and he got out of bed and mocked my crying - teasing me.  He had this sickening smile on his face as if mocking me.   I got up to leave and he started throwing things around the wall, smashing up a guitar and a computer.  I have never been so terrified, he is a lot bigger and stronger than I am.

The next day when he came around he tried to kill himself as he couldn't live with the idea of hurting me.  He kept saying that this drunk him wasnt' the real him.  I believed him, sometimes I still do.  I've kept information like this from nearly everyone, trying to protect him. 

[Keef]

Good grief Pipedreamer25, such terrible experiences. I hear you and I'm sorry!

I can absolutely relate to the sleep deprivation - this was nearly always a problem with the ex. "I hate it when you fall asleep before me!", that's something I'd hear from her every other night. This was particularly bad last winter. She'd turn the lights on. Mock me. Say the most heartbreaking things just to keep me on the edge and awake. This is obviously connected to the fear of abandonment. Was your ex clingy as a kid, would you know (my ex apparently had great difficulties going to sleep as a child)? She often wanted me to talk her through it, but I was almost always lost for words and dead tired. I was ok with improvising short stories during the first half of the r/s but I couldn't keep it up later. Exhausted.

Mind you, my ex drank very little, and didn't abuse other substances - alcohol made her lose it, she knew she'd become very depressed. She stopped drinking altogether this summer, but did it help? No. She just thought her life, including me, the r/s, was all the more boring, and assaulted me instead... and discarded me in November. I'm extremely glad she never followed through in buying amphetamines online, something she'd talk about a lot this autumn. She had this idea that she's suffering from ADHD, only because her T at the time suspected this... .Good God.

Are you all right these days?

[duncsvoice]

There were a few!

The very first one I had travelled down to visit, a fun night out watching a band (punctuated by heavy flirting with another guy in front of me... .ridiculously I chose to ignore it) ended with her launching her take away food in to my face outside the hotel, then screaming, spitting, pushing me around in the room before declaring she never wanted to see me again. When I woke up, she was absolutely fine as if nothing happened.

A few months later, she asked me about girls I'd dated before. Didn't think anything about it, mentioned someone that nothing ever happened with but we became friends. Glass thrown at my face, and was punched twice. I sobbed uncontrollably the next morning having never experienced, she didn't understand what I was so upset about.

Many, many more instances, but the very worst was she took me to a hotel for my 30th birthday. We had dinner, it was all lovely. Couple of drinks over dinner, started telling me about this guy she used to sleep with just before me. I kindly asked if we could change the subject - glass of wine thrown in my face in the bar, chased her up to the room. Locked herself in to the bathroom, screamed at me, and I'll never forget the words "If you ever have a daughter, I hope she gets raped". I had to kick the door down to stop her from self harming after hearing glass smash, only to receive a brand new scar after she ran the glass down my arm.

11 months on from the final split, I'm with a girl who is kind, gentle, funny and understanding. It's strange being in a healthy relationship and not having to walk on eggshells, but I'm absolutely loving getting used to it again.

[Pipedreamer25]

Thanks Keef,  those sort of episodes disappeared when he went through detox and got sober.  Unfortunately he could never stay away from alcohol and I had to ask him to leave because it was really like dealing with a different person.  We went through several recycles over the past few months with him making promises to get better.  He left for the final time about three weeks ago and is now spending every day getting madly drunk.  I am still learning how to cope with this but I think I'm getting better.   I was very young when we first got together.  If anything it's been an important learning experience!

My pwBPD comes from a background of abuse.  Horrible things used to happen to him at night.  If he wasn't drinking he would be very clingy and frightened when I went to asleep.  If he was drinking he would rage.   Both ended up with me being very sleep deprived!

I hope that you're on your on your way to finding peace.  Keep posting here this board truly is wonderful.