Strange call at midnight by exBp gf

[WoundedOne]

I was just wondering the reasoning behind my exBP gf calling me last night at 1230pm . She let the phone ring once
then hung up and never called back. Earlier the day at 430pm she had texted me about a stupid question if I had her wallet? Were these attempts to get me to break NC or just innocent happenings? Was she just trying to see if I had blocked her calls and texts?
NC was initiated by me now for 4 days. She lie, cheated, manipulated me , used me financially and just basically took advantage of me anyway possible. I never saw this as I was very much in love with her. The clues to her being Borderline were quite obvious now that I look back at everything. On top of BPD she is also an alcoholic which seems to exacerbate everything 100% worse. I finally had enough of the rages, outbusrts and all the craziness she can be and broke up with her. She immediately had another gf even probably before she broke up with me . It hurts like a B*tch.  But I know I made the right decision as 2yrs of the crap is way too much!
So I thought the calls and text was a way to put herself in my head again. Am i right ? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated !
Thanks so much

[rfriesen]

Hi WoundedOne, welcome to the family! 

Yes, it's possible that the call and text were her way to reach out and see whether there's still a connection (to find out whether she's still "in your head". If she has traits of BPD, losing a connection might be a terrifying prospect for her.

I finally had enough of the rages, outbusrts and all the craziness she can be and broke up with her. She immediately had another gf even probably before she broke up with me . It hurts like a B*tch.  But I know I made the right decision as 2yrs of the crap is way too much!

Good for you being able to take a difficult step that you know is right for you in the long run. It's not an easy thing to step away from a relationship we're deeply enmeshed in.

It's normal for you to wonder about her motives, to want to know why she might be reaching out, what she's thinking, feeling, etc ... .Normal and completely understandable. That said, you've made the decision to detach and sound confident about your decision, even if you still feel emotionally torn. So does it ultimately matter what thoughts and feelings are going through her mind as she texts or calls you? Maybe there are many things going through her mind and she might not have the consistency or stability in her inner world to hold to a coherent set of emotions and actions with respect to the relationship. Hence the volatility of a BPD relationship.

Can you tell us a little more of your story? Reading and sharing here can be a good way to begin to get your bearings after the volatility of a BPD or BPD-like relationship.

Be sure to take good care of yourself and treat yourself gently now. Eat well, sleep regularly, exercise if you can (even just a long walk each day or something that gets the body moving).

[WoundedOne]

I met my exBp gf about 2yrs ago this time of the season. We met online and she was one of the most outgoing, cheerful, enthusiastic people i had talked to in a long time. So we hit it off . When I finally saw her in person she was absolutely drop deep gorgeous. I was thinking wow  did I get lucky meeting someone with the full package of looks and a great personality. I was horribly wrong. She had a 2yr old and I first saw little things that raised red flags when the child would not do what she waned. She had little rage fits and would start to loose control and start cussing which would make the child very upset. I would interject to her to try ad stay calm and then the rage was on me. This would all sendup in a semi silent treatment. She was very volatile from the day I met her. But then after she would end silent treatment she would be so sweet and treat me like gold. She made me feel wanted and made me feel like the sexiest person alive. She was a fast girl telling me that she was " in love" with me really fast. After like one intimate  night together. I was vulnerable because I was just ready for a steady lasting relationship.
Shortly after , maybe 1 month she wanted to move in with me with her 2yr old daughter. And I did. Was it a big mistake. I had made a comment to her that she needed to calm down with the rages or whatever and she went ballistic. In front of her kid,she proceeded to push me mentally and physically. Then all of a sudden drops to her knees in front of me and grabs around my legs saying "Please don't leave me , Please don't leave me" . Cleary abandonment issues were there! I tried to calm things down then all of a sudden she snapped again with rage pushed me on the floor and it was kinda of a blur now. I finally managed to get her off me and went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and told her "don't ever put your hands on me again" She backed off because I had a knife. Needless to say I wanted her out of my house and her mom came and got her and her 2yr old and left . And so the moving out process began just 2 weeks after she moved in . Total Chaos right from the start.
Days went by and she called me and was so heartbroken and sorry. And guess what I fell for it. Met her at her new apartment and she seduecd me . And we were off and running again. And this is only a small part of this whole 2 yr relationship. So much more I will type on another day . It really is exhausting even remembering this stuff about her. So I'm gonna try to post  it out in bits and pieces when i can. I think i feel like I have minor PTSD from he. SO i can only handle so much right now.

[WoundedOne]

Oh yeah I remember one more thing. She never told me she had another gf when i was talking to her online. So I was the next chick in line she was scoping as a replacement ! Found that out down the line!

[rfriesen]

WoundedOne,
That is a lot of drama, and no doubt it can be disorienting and difficult to detach from. How are you doing now? Have you stayed out of contact? Is it five days now? This can be a very rough period, as the wounds and entanglement are still so fresh. Do you have close family and friends to lean on now?

[WoundedOne]

Yes I do have a great support system But my friends and family know nothing of this mental illness. So it makes it hard to even explain things to them. And lo and behold I found this wonderful site that has given me great knowledge. And to know Im not alone with all this is very comforting.

Indeed it is the 5th day of no contact! Fingers crossed. I figured me exBP has that other girl so my guess is I won't be hearing from her anytime soon. But again who knows. My exBP is very impulsive. And I am really not sure if she is still relapsing on alcohol or not. I have been struggling to keep her out of my head as much as possible. I kinda feel like my head is spinning and my anxiety level is way high. Everyday new memories good and bad keep popping up in my head. But yet I kinda feel numb?

I was thinking last night that I have been thru 4 recycles already. And I sure do not want to fall back into another one again. That being said Im doing things different this time. The no contact is what Im doing different. Never used it before , but better late than never.

Thank you so much taking the time to write me. I really do appreciate all the guidance.

[Julia S]

I've known this late night blank call thing happen to a church minister, from someone very damaged in childhood. And like a BPD partner/friend, they would get the transference thing. It was - and there are still scars - very damaging to the minister's family. And the person calling would do so despite their husband being in the house.
Meanwhile, years ago I had a slightly mood disorder exbf call me at a similar time to tell me he loved me, almost certainly guessing a new boyfriend was staying over.

I don't know whether these behaviours are deliberately manipulative, or attention seeking, or subconsciously manipulative inappropriately learned behaviour.

And I wonder whether it's outside the scope of understanding for a psychologically healthy person, who if they behaved like this, it would most likely because they were very upset and missed the person and wanted to hear their voice, or deliberately manipulative. Probably also drunk.

I recently had an unknown/anonymous msg from someone I suspect to be a BPD friend I'm trying to withdraw from because their treatment of me makes me anxious and depressed. And now I'm on the look out for more msges and hooked, whether or not that was their intention. And this is part of the problem when we start questioning motives - in this case, might he be considering treatment? If so I should stay in touch and encourage him.

As soon as they have our attention they've won, unfortunately. 

[WoundedOne]

Thanks Julia S for the insight

Their behavior is so strange sometimes, but i always try to think they have some motive behind any of their communication. I hate to play detective all the time. But i also need to protect my well being.

I have encouraged my exBP gf to seek help for BPD and alcoholism to now avail. She calms down and is good for 1 week and the next week all hell breaks loose. She would always seem to be very sneaky in certain aspect like trolling for new supply , the lies, the manipulation. It is way too much to handle and has my brain literally exhausted.  The compulsive lying ... .need i say more. She lied about everything. And that means stupid little things as well as big things.

She would drop the "I Love You" bomb all the time, which would make me melt and forget all the wring she did to me. Constantly saying how much we are soul mates and she couldn't be in love with me more. Blah Blah Blah. I am so mad at myself for falling for this. I have come to realize she doesn't even love herself, let alone me.

I go from feeling sad to being very angry at her. I just want to feel some stability in my own emotions again .

[Julia S]

I'm not really into guru type people, but I would suggest googling Eckhart Tolle, and watching some of his you tube insights. He sees the idea of childhood wounds resurfacing when we go into a relationship as perfectly normal - except, of course, for most of us those hurts have not severely damaged our ability to function as adults. He recommends stepping out of yourself and observing depression, anxiety, hurt etc from the outside, and simply looking at it and accepting what it is and where it comes from, rather than trying to work out why people are behaving in a particular way.
Although pwBPD intuitively draw you in and subconsciously beg you to love them unconditionally, I think the constantly trying to work out why they're behaving in a certain way is much of what makes our lives revolve around them. It also wears you down.
Just after I started to with withdraw a bit from my friend wBPD, I met someone who seemed really nice and normal. Within a couple of emails I rumbled their grown up daughter had BPD amongst other things. That same weekend I met up with old friends from university and it turned out their grown up daughter also has it. In each case, the parents thought it was really rare and were so thankful to have someone they could talk to about it. Needless to say, within hours I had a banging headache and emotional overload.
Groups like this are essential to give support and reassure us we are not going mad. At the same time, we must try not to give the condition/pwBPD more power and a bigger share of our emotional energy than they already have.

[WoundedOne]

Being that  I'm only Day 5 of no contact is part of my problem. It all basically like an open wound right now. And Im looking for ways to stop the bleeding so to speak. Its funny to me how Bp's can just take a normal human and destroy everything internally and ever so quickly. 
I know I'm strong and I can recover however , I always like to analyze things and find answers. And my exBP gf has just destroyed my trust issues. And I'm sad and angry about it. It is also like she has some kind of connection to my brain where she knows that I'm starting to slowly move on and wants to insert herself somehow yet again. I told her i was going no contact and she had absolutely no resect obviously for my boundary set. In the past I always was the one to contact her and say I'm sorry and Blah Blah Blah. Not this time! I know whats going on with her now . And as much as I shouldn't think about what she's thinking, I can't help but to.