Bpd's and attraction

[KarmasReal]

I want to take a look a BPD and relationships from a bit of a different view on this post. I've been laying here ruminated before my nightly gym session, about my life and the relationships I've had, and yes looking at my ex BPD's social media as well as other exes. I'm only one week out this time and the wounds are still fresh considering I text her about some things yesterday and she was less than hospitable.

My question is do BPD have a biological attraction to a certain type and do a certain type of people have an attraction to BPD's?

My and my ex BPD hit it off right off the bat, we were closer and more in touch with each other more and so much faster than other relationships I've been in. We had an attraction for one another it was easy to tell. As I thought about this I thought about some others girls I've had flings or short relationships with and from being aware of red flags of BPD now, I can think of a few that for the borderline spectrum. Even my very first girlfriend at 20 fits it. There have been about 4 or so in my life I can say fit it. It's not just how they acted there are numerous BPD red flags; sexually open and seductive, divorce and dramatic tumultuous interpersonal relationships, all have kids and aren't with the father, all even look the same to a degree, same make up style, same outlook on men, history of wild behavior, drugs or drinking. I mean I didn't know the others as well as my ex so that's all I can say there could be much more.

What are the chances of 4 BPD's being in some type of relationship with me? It's not the most common disorder. What is it about me that attracts them and what attracts me to them? Don't have a certain look? Because it has evolved over the years, a certain personality? Because some were attracted to me before the even knew me. I don't know what it is?

What do you guys think? Has anyone else had a similar pattern or situations in your life?

[beggarsblanket]

My question is do BPD have a biological attraction to a certain type and do a certain type of people have an attraction to BPD's?

What are the chances of 4 BPD's being in some type of relationship with me? It's not the most common disorder. What is it about me that attracts them and what attracts me to them? Don't have a certain look? Because it has evolved over the years, a certain personality? Because some were attracted to me before the even knew me. I don't know what it is?

I've been asking similar questions. Two of the four women I pursued over the past two years has BPD. I suspect that one or two of my earlier love interests may also have had BPD or traits of BPD. I also have a female friend with BPD. The dynamic is much less intense without the romantic interest, but we still grew close very quickly.

[LadybugABC]

I don't think it's a coincidence. I'm reading a book and it's helping explain MY role and interactions with the BPD person. We tend to be caretakers and diminish our own needs in favor of those of the BPD person. The book I'm reading is stop Caretaking the BPD person. No affiliation just the book opened my eyes big time in my own personality and traits that drove me to be in a relationship with a BPD person. Good luck.

[beggarsblanket]

We tend to be caretakers and diminish our own needs in favor of those of the BPD person.

Exactly. I cringe to think how much of myself I sacrificed for her sake. I was effectively her pro bono therapist. I listened to her problems for hundred of hours. I drew on all my resources of empathy, all my counseling and communication skills, all my warm positive regard. I poured everything I had into her. I started abandoning my friends and my other interests to spend more time with her. I exhausted myself for her sake. I consequently got flu four times in the four months I knew her. (Under ordinary circumstances I get flu once a year, if that.)

With what I know now about BPD, I realize it didn't matter how much I poured into her. She was an emotional black hole: all-consuming and without any light of her own.

[butters]

I'm shy, and I've found it easier to open up and get on with BPDs. I guess they are just naturally social people and can bring me out of my shell easier. Stupid shell.

[Shedd]

For me I feel like people with BPD want affection and love so bad that they don't care who it's with? My ex told me that she always wondered what it would be like to be with other people. Maybe that's not always the case but it seems like they're natural at flirting and affection because they crave it. Anyone that was attracted to her she seemed to be interested in.

[beggarsblanket]

Anyone that was attracted to her she seemed to be interested in.

This fits with my experience,

[jhkbuzz]

What are the chances of 4 BPD's being in some type of relationship with me? It's not the most common disorder. What is it about me that attracts them and what attracts me to them? Don't have a certain look? Because it has evolved over the years, a certain personality? Because some were attracted to me before the even knew me. I don't know what it is?

The text in bold is your question to answer, for sure. It's not "by chance" and it's not "biological" - you are repeatedly making the choice to develop r/s's with emotionally unstable women who had:

... .numerous BPD red flags; sexually open and seductive, divorce and dramatic tumultuous interpersonal relationships, all have kids and aren't with the father, all even look the same to a degree, same make up style, same outlook on men, history of wild behavior, drugs or drinking.

Any idea why you keep doing this?

My and my ex BPD hit it off right off the bat, we were closer and more in touch with each other more and so much faster than other relationships I've been in. We had an attraction for one another it was easy to tell.

Most BPD r/s's start like this: mine did too. She was sweet, vulnerable, needy; she opened up to me very, very quickly; seemed to love every last thing about me and did her best to move the r/s along very quickly. That's the "idealization" phase - which is eventually followed by a very painful devaluation and discard.

A little reading for you: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Getting to the bottom of why you are attracted to unstable women is your work now - and no one can do that work for you. I can tell you that there is often an emotionally unstable childhood caretaker that is the root of the unhealthy attraction you have towards unstable partners.

[nylonsquid]

Hi Karma  

I can speak from personal experience and through going through much pain and soul searching. It all became clear one night. From all the books I've read and all my understandings of the last 6 years this is what rang true to me on one night. I looked at the similarity between my last two exes. It was incredible. Sweet yet have a vulnerability or "edge" to them. I wondered what that "edge" that I always talked about even before I met a BPD. It was a bit of a bad girl but presented as sweet. When looking closer I found that to be pain. But then I wondered how this core pain they have that they hide so well that I perceive as "edgy" attracts me. It reels me in. But what's even more interesting is the fact that I feel at home with it. Once I said home I looked closer at this little pain they carry. Why does it feel like home and why does it give me comfort. Home is only within oneself so I looked into myself. I must share this pain somehow. I saw that the pain I saw in them is only the pain I've harbored in my past. It was the child that wasn't supported by his mother when he needed. The child that wasn't heard and that wasn't given the compassion. I realized that I was intuitive in finding this pain in others (projecting it) then reliving it but this time I wanted to give it the support it never got before. Yes, this does sound like white knight. But it is in fact me recreating my memories unconsciously and trying to fix the outcome. It is the blind spot that people find hard to see. That all you give to the outside is how you see what's within.

[Julia S]

With my friend I think there is a genuine mutual attraction in biological terms, and a genuine friendship of shared interests and values - and these were things he'd pursued a very long time, they weren't put on for my benefit. I already loved the person underneath. I didn't need the idealisation, in fact it made me feel uncomfortable and I suppose was the first sign something was wrong. The BPD was the evil monster that prevented us having a relationship. So I really do feel there is something real that has been lost.

Whereas I had a relationship with an NPD - or at least traits - and had no difficulty leaving him when I realised what he was underneath, and what my role was.

And I met both of them because of a shared interest that I think attracts more than its share of PDs.

I think being attracted to someone because of the show they put on is very different from being attracted for regular reasons. And this is why some people choose to stay in relationships, because at the mild end of the spectrum the traits might be a nuisance rather than abusive.