Child-like behavior

[taty1124]

I'm just frustrated and speechless by her behavior. It can make me feel as though I have no where to turn. I was asking her to be a bit more cognizant of one of my requests when she just "plowed" into me with verbal abuse. When she starts I can't get a word in. However, what has me speechless is she then proceeded to make fun of me as though she was a schoolgirl and I was being bullied by her on the school yard. At first I was taken back and hurt, then however I was just stunned.  This behavior only led into how I was a bully and maybe if I wasn't such an "ass" I would get treated right.
I'm just at a loss for words... .
Just had to vent... .sorry 

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[Jej]

Hello taty, I have a lot of child like behaviour come my way. Being belittled, made fun of, my feelings aren't valid. It's utterly draining, especially when you're trying to operate like an adult. I don't think people with BPD can help it at times, it's part of the condition, but that doesn't help you. I'm learning not to stoop down to the same level as it leaves me feeling too angry. Try not to get pulled into the drama, walk away, leave them to calm down. Hope you find your way of dealing with it.

[taty1124]

I know they can't help it and you are right it is draining. The most difficult thing for me is to keep my sanity during the drama. I truly appreciate my therapist and this community. If it wasn't for that I would have probably believed everything that was told to me.

[taty1124]

Thank you by the way for just acknowledging my issue. It truly feels good to have someone just acknowledge it

[Notwendy]

I think it helps to keep in mind that there is an emotionally immature side to BPD- when it comes to handling uncomfortable emotions. Some of the behavior is reminiscent of childlike behavior. Rages and outbursts are part of toddler temper tantrums. Name calling and bullying are seen on the playground. The adults in children's lives help them learn to modulate their emotions in a mature way and to adopt acceptable behavior. They still have the feelings - anger, disappointment, fear- but they learn to deal with them in more mature ways "don't hit your sibling, don't be a bully".

Natural consequences is also a powerful teacher. The school bully might find themselves not being invited to play with other kids, getting in trouble with teachers. Parents are advised to ignore a temper tantrum.

I think the tendency to project and dysregulate keeps someone from learning the consequences of their behavior. If there is no self searching, or accountability- if something is someone else's fault, then they are not able to see a connection between their behavior and the consequences.

I don't know if this is theory or not, but it makes sense that if something inhibits learning, then these childish behaviors would not change much.

What I found effective with pwBPD is to remain calm, not react to the outbursts, and have clear boundaries- and to enforce them. If you are going to speak to me like that, I will leave the room. Not give in to demands out of fear. Also to address our own issues otherwise there are no adults in the relationship.

[Lockjaw]

I feel your pain too. They are like a child who cannot see that they do anything wrong. I have even been told I talk to her like a child when she has an outburst, to which I responded, stop acting like one... .which made me very popular.

[Jej]

It's so difficult. I'll be honest, after another outburst last night I just don't think I have the skills to endure it anymore. Good luck taty I hope things improve for you x

[ampersandalz]

If anything, realizing the childlike nature of the outbursts has made me see things a bit more clearly.  Looking back over the years of our relationship, I was always astounded in the way our negative interactions played out.  I was so often hurt by words, shocked by her reactions to things, totally taken back when she spoke to me the way she did, but then surprised when the next morning would come and almost always it was as if nothing ever happened.  In more extreme cases, she would say something that I found very inflammatory, I would appear upset, and she would get confused, apologizing for almost everything surrounding what actually upset me, but almost incapable of seeing what the real problem was.  In fact, many of our arguments always seem to exist in the space surrounding the actual issue at hand without ever hitting it, no matter how many times or how clearly I say "THIS IS THE ISSUE."

Not sure where I read it here, but thinking of their outbursts similar to a child's tantrum (though often more cutting, personal, and offensive) makes it a bit easier.  If I can hold my ground, try to validate the feelings within the fire, and get past it, it's gone by the next morning.  I should probably get better at following my own advice, to be honest, but being here and having the logic and support of the people here on a daily basis really has helped my way of thinking.