So my ex called in sick today. Usually, that means she has turned herself into the hospital for wanting to kill herself. I can't help, but feel responsible yet again.
You are not responsible for her feelings and you are not responsible for taking care of her, especially if you are broken up. That said, you clearly care and would like to help. You shouldn't let guilt make you blind to the fact that it's a positive quality to have compassion and concern. But it is possible that acting on your compassion and concern as you have ends up causing more harm than good at this point.
I've been trying to talk to her recently since she has me blocked on everything under the sun including my phone number. I just wanted to let her know that I would always be here for her when and if she decides to come back into my life. So she knows I haven't left.
What do you mean you haven't left? That you would take her back if she wanted to continue the relationship? That you would be there for her is she needs someone to lean on? If she has you blocked, then it might be healthiest for both of you if you respect the actions she's taken not to be in contact with you. It can be hard, I know, and you're left wondering whether she really means it and wants to block you completely. The thing is, you can't know her secret inner thoughts. But you do know her actions -- she's blocked you from contacting her. Maybe it's best to respect the steps she's taken not to be in contact? If she does reach out to you sometime, then you can let her know you're there for her, if you feel that's appropriate and what you want to do then. In the meantime, you can focus on your own well-being and happiness.
Every time I do something like that she goes I into the hospital. If she doesn't care about me anymore than why would she be so upset?
She might still care a great deal, but not want to be in contact. If your reaching out results in her going to the hospital, is it a good idea to keep trying?
I thought she was happier now and life was a little better at least, and I was trying to be a good person by saying that I would still be here if she needed me. She's making me feel like I am a complete evil manipulative ass. Maybe I am?
No, you're not. You're struggling with your emotions and thoughts, just as she seems to be struggling with hers. You're not evil. The thing to ask yourself is not whether you're being evil or manipulative, but simply whether your actions are having a positive effect. Is it doing you or her any good for you to keep reaching out when she has tried to stop you from contacting her? It can be very hard to stop yourself, I truly understand. But maybe you can learn to say a prayer for her in your own mind, or write your feelings down for yourself, then refrain from contacting her, unless she clearly indicates she's ready to be in contact with you?
