Trying to bring the relationship back with limits and boundaries...

[Grimbog]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on this site and must admit that I'm not sure where to start - I've been in a relationship with my ex partner for 2 years, but we've been separated for 1 year now and still see each other every few weeks and text every few days. Right at the beginning of our relationship she told me about her depression (I now suspect this is undiagnosed BPD) and asked if I still wanted to be with her, ... .of course I said yes - advance 2 years and everything was great until her sister and brother-in-law mentioned that we should get married - after this all hell broke loose... .she started to struggle at work,  (which ended in her going on a year long sick-leave before finally quitting this year), became irritable with work colleagues and secretive, and I felt that a lot of anger being directed my way. This culminated in me losing esteem before she split up with me.

We're still in contact and slowly we've been meeting up more. I try to look after myself but must admit that I still hope for our relationship to reconcile. I have been learning a lot on DBT, and understand about the need to focus on myself - we've been a lot closer but admittedly the anger right now seems to be directed at her sister. She knows how I feel about her and when we hold hands I can feel that she is battling inside. I know she cares about me, but there is no intimacy.

Generally things have been good until recently... .I wished her good luck for her DBT session as it was a joint session to resolve issues with her sister. I wrote a text to wish her good luck and signed off saying that I still love her very much and wish all the best. The response was caring, but signed off saying that I am very important and that she loves me too very much as a friend. This was just before she was going through yet another crisis and randomly travelled to NZ for a month.

It hit a trigger, you wouldn't believe the feelings I went through - I had my own problems from a past relationship where an ex slept behind my back, so to now be told I'm a friend felt like a rejection and sent all kinds of unpleasant thoughts in my head... especially knowing about impulsivity with BPD. I just cant do it, if she met someone else and yet expected me to be friends then it would just eat away further at my esteem. I care about her, I really do, but in a sense saying we're friends and yet offloading a lot her problems on to me felt manipulative - its unfair.

I've written a hand-written letter saying that our friendship is something I hold dearly, but I cannot remove the memory of vulnerability, intimacy and love we had in the past. That I needed to take personal responsibility for my own well-being, and that we needed to restore a healthier balance from where we stand, but I could only do this if we're willing to work towards our relationship. I texted her about the letter, and she's back from NZ on Tuesday so I half expect that I will be split black but I think its best to say what I needed to say - we need to plan our needs and boundaries. Only she can deal with BPD, I know that, but if I don't stick up for my own values then the BPD will only try to tap away further at what we had.

Just wanted to get my thoughts out there, and would appreciate anyone whose been a similar situation?

G.

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[livednlearned]

Hi Grimbog,

The relationship boundaries do seem fuzzy and I can see how that would be really tough -- she wants you to be her friend, you were once romantically involved, you want to get back together, she is not signaling that she wants the same.

Are you looking for support as you grieve what could be the end of your friendship?

[Grimbog]

Hi Grimbog,

The relationship boundaries do seem fuzzy and I can see how that would be really tough -- she wants you to be her friend, you were once romantically involved, you want to get back together, she is not signaling that she wants the same.

Are you looking for support as you grieve what could be the end of your friendship?

Thanks livednlearned, yes I think on Tuesday I'll soon know where I stand - I'm just glad to write it. I know deep down the letter will probably be rejected and we'll go NC, but I reckon she'll be back in touch in the future. There is a genuine care for one-another, although how much of that is real on her side I no longer know. The only hope I have is that she wants to work on things - but if she doesn't even love herself then I don't see how she can care about the relationship.

Its unfortunate as I feel that if I maybe suspected sooner that BPD had a role to play then setting boundaries early would have maybe helped. Also in our case we never really broke up for that long before getting back in contact (1 month)... .its like we're no longer a couple, but well... .we are, just not intimate at all. For that to happen she needs to work on herself, which is what I hope she see's from the letter.

Once friend-zoned is it pretty much impossible to bring it back? I suspect as much but its horrible all the same.

[Grimbog]

Bit of a small update from me... .ex returned from NZ on Tuesday so she would have read my letter.

I was expecting an extinction burst, or some form of anger directed at me but it seems for now this is being aimed elsewhere and my request to heal is being respected - so far so good. I did see her frantically pop on to Whatsapp after presumedly reading the letter so I think right now she's looking for support from her sister and friends as the abandonment sense is kicking in. God I hate this illness... .I never want to cause any pain, but these limits are for my own well-being, otherwise its just going to get worse - I don't mind being a scapegoat if it means she can focus on herself.

Regardless I was expecting a few things to happen such as defriend/block me on FB and Whatsapp (two ways we keep in touch other than meeting up), removal of photos etc. but this hasn't happened. I'm surprised because in the letter I talk frankly that it would be too hard for us to remain friends if she dated someone else, and that I wanted us to strive for a committed relationship but continue to work on ourselves. So this leaves me with one doubt that she might be building up to something... .ie a revenge or retort. Does anyone have any examples of a similar thing that they've been through?

All I know is that I feel a bit better for now. A few weeks from now may be another story.

[livednlearned]

Does she also experience issues with engulfment? When her sister suggested marriage, could that have been a sign she fears engulfment (control)? And battling inside when you hold her hand? Plus leaving (seemingly random) for NZ. These seem more like engulfment behaviors than abandonment.

If so, then your letter would be welcome, as it would reflect her desire to establish distance.

[Grimbog]

Does she also experience issues with engulfment?

Oddly enough no, or at least its very well hidden. On the one hand there were occasions when we were still together where she'd ask if we could meet up for lunch at my work (usually arranged on the day), and afterwards she'd walk me back to the office each time (I always wondered if it was because she wanted to be sure I went in to the building)... .but there was never any sense of classic engulfment. No random telephone calls, or ongoing texts of anything. But, since we separated I do feel compartmentalized, and we only meet 1 to 1 - she doesn't involve me with friends or family.

Do agree with the marriage aspect and control - something that huge would have a profound effect on someone who is struggling with an inner turmoil... .ie. the worry of whether it would work in the long term. Rumination I fear destroyed a lot of what we had.

I hope she can see that my letter is there to protect us both - can I ask, when you mean that the letter would reflect her desire to establish distance, do you mean subconsciously? The reason I ask is because since our separation I've always let her decide when to contact me, not the other way around... .it was my way of trying to ease the pressure off and to let her be in control of when to speak to me. If distance was wanted from her side then why contact me?