dil has caused so much havo

[LvBgGma44]

   Soo glad to have found this group. My one and only child, so close to me growing up as a single parent for most part, married a girl 19 years ago and it has been a s--t storm from day one almost. Family therapy in past 3 months has led to dx of BPD for her, so I'm trying to learn everything I can. I am so upset that they (my son has taken her "side", that the trouble is all my fault), so I haven't seen my 4 grandchildren in 2 years other than an occasional birthday dinner that is most uncomfortable. I've even been diagnosed and treated for cancer for 2 years and that hasn't even halted any of the chaos or manipulation. I have basicly had to withdraw from any contact with it so that I can focus my energy on taking care of myself. Not that I miss the merry go round of cruelty, blaming, accusing, lying... .My son is a good man, he would never leave his kids, but I worry that he and the kids are held hostage in the twilight zone of BPD, Bipolar Disorder and God only knows what. The 2nd oldest gd even called me to scream and blame me last night and I had to tell her that I love her and hang up the phone.  DIL has gone to 3 family therapy sessions with her mom, and 1 alone, and is making demands for me and her to have sessions, which therapist absolutely forbits for now, so since she isn't getting her way, and won't go in hospital as therapist recommends, she won't go at all now. She and my son won't go as therapist has asked (she says he won't go, he won't talk to me so I don't know if he even knows that it is therapist's request), and she won't agree to let kids go to an adolescent specialist without her being present either. Obviously, I can't control any of that, and don't want to even though she insists I do? So I am really tying a BIG knot in the end of my rope that I've been dangling from for soo long, and praying that they will all somehow, some day find a path out of the turmoil, and I hope I'll still be alive so I can be re united with my family with a chance of a better dynamic. Funny part, since day 1, dil has pitted me against her mother with a deluge of lies on both ends, till we despized one another though we didn't even know each other, then, after being widowed, she moved here from 300 miles away, and as we were thrown together, and have spent time together out of exasperation over constant chaos, we have become close, even go to therapy together! We call ourselves the OBMs (other b--ch mothers), but it was she who stayed with me through every treatment, surgery, and has been a very dear friend. Dil hates that, but we are living parallel lives and we help each other to try to understand all we can and remain sane! Not funny, but isn't it amazing what God puts in our lives to help us through the toughest times... .Anyone have any coping strategiesto share?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Hi LvBgGma44,



In reading your story it comes across that you have made some very healthy but difficult choices already in your journey.  Kudos to you for setting boundaries to self protect and take your self out of the chaos we are all too familiar with here. 
It's heartwarming to see that you and her mother have been able to overcome this issues your DIL has placed in front of both, and navigated yourselves into a good relationship. 
One thing many of us here have learned is that we cannot change the person with BPD, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that can help you in your journey.  I believe you may also be able to use some of the given communication techniques if and when you get a chance to interact with your son.  Your analogy of being held captive in the twilight zone unfortunately is very realistic.  Remember, he is in the forefront with her, and is probably getting a significant amount of the projection, gaslighting etc... .so he is probably not in a healthy mental or emotional state.  Having been caught in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) myself, it can be very debilitating when it comes to making wise decisions in life.  So walk carefully beside him when given the opportunity. 
Anything you can do to promote including a good therapist in their lives would be good... .I know you understand that already.   

You've found the right place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  There are many here who have or are walking your same path.  Feel free to share any thoughts, feelings or questions.  We are here.