Update, healing from last breakdown

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had a tough breakdown, 3 days ago. It is going better for me now. I haven't had contact with her in these 3 days tho...

She wrote me today, something trying to get a reaction out of me i think. I stayed strong this time and didn't give her much to go by...

I do not want her to be so much in control, I do not want to be so dependent on her...

I feel like i am dependent on her, but i need not to be. I need to move on... Feeling a bit numb at the moment, like nothing really matters...

Hopefully it will turn into new hope and new passion...

It is tough to really let go of her... But i think i am in the process of doing this now... Tough times

- broken

[Broken88]

I had a tough breakdown, 3 days ago. It is going better for me now. I haven't had contact with her in these 3 days tho...

She wrote me today, something trying to get a reaction out of me i think. I stayed strong this time and didn't give her much to go by...

I do not want her to be so much in control, I do not want to be so dependent on her...

I feel like i am dependent on her, but i need not to be. I need to move on... Feeling a bit numb at the moment, like nothing really matters...

Hopefully it will turn into new hope and new passion...

It is tough to really let go of her... But i think i am in the process of doing this now... Tough times

- broken

[Hisaccount]

Good for you stay strong.

I was in crisis mode a couple days ago but found someplace else to baby sit my grandkids.
I still have to contact her and make sure she takes care of the dogs but it is a huge step for me.

I am glad you are doing better. I think numb is awesome and hope you can hold onto that, much better than profound sadness.

You are in control she only has the power you give her.

[Turkish]

How exactly do you feel you are dependent upon her?

[Broken88]

How exactly do you feel you are dependent upon her?

Well emotionally, like i can rationally see, okay she wasn't the one for me, she wasn't even good for me... But i feel totally lost without her, like nothing in my life makes sense, nothing has any meaning to it. So i was/am dependent on her, for meaning in life.

I am still a slave of the "think that she is in charge of my happiness" part. Trying to break free... But she has made enough small hints, that she is already with the new guy and it is unofficial...

I can't accept that, so i will never again be with her... But she will continue to make me miserable i think. I am so jealous... Wish i just could not care .

- hisaccount

I am happy you have made this step and that you found other opportunities to babysit the grandchildren - THe numb comes and goes... I can't really control it... Woke up crying, but felt better after 10 min... I will become stronger... And she will be told to f*ck off soon. I will go NC

[Hisaccount]

This is something I have a hard time with. She was my happiness. We tell ourselves that so much and they make us believe it so dearly.

I mean where else are you going to be able to find someone who things you are truly perfect, that makes you feel like king of the world, that looks at you as if you walk on water?

So yeah, we do stop making ourselves happy, because we found everything we needed and we try to return the favor.

Then when it ends we scramble to figure out how to take care of ourselves again.

Does anyone remember the TV series greatest american hero?
So this guy gets a suit that gives him super powers, but they lost the instruction manual.

Our BPD relationships, Super hero but no instruction manual.

[lovenature]

It is tough to really let go of her

Yes it is very tough Broken, but hang in there; recovery isn't linear, you will have better days than others but overall you will see things clearer and feel better the longer you remain NC.

[Keef]

Broken:

I agree with lovenature. Healing is not a linear journey. I've only just started detaching (approx 3 w) but I've noticed this already.

One positive thought: if the r/s is truly over and you keep NC you won't be making any further plans together, plans that run the risk of getting busted by unstable behaviour. No more disappointment coming your way   ! (my uBPDx is going to a gig this evening, she booked tickets in the summer. That's the last thing I will know [hopefully] of her doings and whereabouts)

I know how you feel. Hang in there. And keep posting 
/Keef

[Broken88]

One positive thought: if the r/s is truly over and you keep NC you won't be making any further plans together, plans that run the risk of getting busted by unstable behaviour. No more disappointment coming your way   ! (my uBPDx is going to a gig this evening, she booked tickets in the summer. That's the last thing I will know [hopefully] of her doings and whereabouts)

I know how you feel. Hang in there. And keep posting 
/Keef

I am a bit over a month out, and the last breakdown really changed something in me. For the moment, i don't carry the dream of us getting back together, and things getting better. Now my biggest problem is my emotions... They are controlling too much as it is... But it is getting better

I have started acting more indifferent, and i am starting to feel it too... She is now with a new guy, that makes me JEALOUS as F***, but i am getting better at dealing with that too... I am nervous of what would happen if i saw her with him... Could be a problem... I have a bit of a temper... But for now, very LC, we still have an apartment, and we need to clean it, and i don't want to do that alone... after that, my plan is completely NC...

Thanks for the replies all, it feels good to get some support ! It is hard to go through all this sh*t ... But it helps to get some advice and sympathy from you guys

[Keef]

Broken88:

Sorry, I didn't know you had an apartment together. I see that would complicate things. Yes I'd get very jealous too if I knew about my ex seeing somebody new already. It's enough with knowing it's very probable (she slept with a guy in the beginning while we were dating. And she often praised her own high moral standards... well what d'ya know  )

Is there a risk of you seeing them together, what with the apartment still having to be cleaned out etc? Is she trying to make you jealous by flashing the new r/s?

Take care. Don't put too much pressure on yourself (I do know it's easy to say this).

Praise be to this message-board!

[Broken88]

Keef:

Yea it complicates things a bit...

There is a chance of me seeing her with him, she is not flashing her r/s yet, and actually denying her having any form of r/s with him... But she is lying, i know... She lives with him, she already kissed him (at least) while we were together, and last time i saw her, he was sending her hearts on the phone...

I am not stupid, and i will not be treated like a fool. It drives me a bit... Makes me angry...

Trying not to put too much pressure on myself, i have a friend who is counseling me when i have to interact with her, it helps...

I have had a couple of good days, she wrote me a couple of times and i didn't give her much in the responds... But probably she will do something soon, to try and spark a reaction from me... Who knows what...

I just hope i will be ready!

How are you holding up keef?

-Broken

[Hisaccount]

Seeing her with someone else would drive me over the edge as well. I had to tell her please don't tell me. I couldn't handle it.
She assured me that there wouldn't be anyone else for a long time, but we all know that is not true.

I had a decent day yesterday, through reading here on the board and reflecting I actually felt at peace for a little while realizing that these people will continue to crash and burn, ruining people for the rest of their lives. They will never be happy. No relationship will ever last.
I realized that all the dreams her and I had for our future where never going to happen because she is not capable of holding up her end of the deal.
For us, I made the money that paid the bills and keep food on the table. She was supposed to be making the fun money. For vacations and cruises. Things like that. For new cars and fancy stuff.
Reality is, in her entire life she has crashed and burned at every job. She spends money faster than she can make it.
Why am I silly enough to think it would change now?

If I want those things I need to do it myself.

Doesn't mean I am not sad again today and I miss her, but trying to remember those things help. There was never going to be a happy ending. We didn't miss out on anything.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There,
   First off:  

They build you up so high that when they leave you crash, you crash hard.

This is not your fault. What you are going through is perfectly normal and I am sure many on these boards can attest they went through a similar disengagement. It's hard going from being the love of someone's life, to nothing (in their eyes) shortly thereafter.

This person is not the key to your happiness or your self-worth. You were amazing before you met her and you will be amazing after. Right now, you just need to work through the muck of your past relationship and get unstuck. For many, NC and therapy helps. I know it's hard when all you want is to hear how much she loves you as validation.

You do not need her validation to be loved. Trust me.   You got this, my friend. People DO love you, like genuinely. You do not need the validation of a broken person to confirm your worth.

When my ex left over three years ago I wanted to die. I spent a week in bed. I didn't shower. I stared at a very expensive engagement ring I bought her and just cried.

I am so glad I didn't kill myself, for many many reasons. My ex has continued to leave a trail of broken people wherever she goes. She is massively in debt and going nowhere. She can't hold a job, she has zero savings and she uses people.

I on the other hand was able to gain clarity and resurrect my career, get promoted and am running a huge program for my company. I lost 90lbs and am dating an amazing HEALTHY person who only challenges me in one area... .

to be a better person. To follow my dreams and goals.   

You will make it through this, I promise. Right now, you need to pull focus off of her. Any contact with her is hurting you and not healthy in your recovery. I know it's hard with the holidays. If you have friends and family surround yourself with them. Don't be alone with your thoughts. That's the hardest part to stop... .the rumination. I joined meetups and hung out with strangers. It helped. Take on projects, work on yourself, your fitness, your home. You will be AMAZED how much you will accomplish.

2017 is right around the corner. You have an amazing opportunity to start the new year off right and rebuild yourself... .
to be the person YOU want to be.

We all have faith in you!
 

[Keef]

Broken88: I'm managing ok. Working a lot. No time to really grieve until the evenings, and that's when the ruminating begins. Not sleeping well in other words. My soundtrack atm would have to be Leonard Cohen's record Songs of love and hate... Pretty Woman says a lot of great things here. Time to turn the tables at the end of 2016, the f****d up year that was and never will return!

[lovenature]

I am nervous of what would happen if i saw her with him... Could be a problem... I have a bit of a temper... But for now, very LC, we still have an apartment, and we need to clean it, and i don't want to do that alone... after that, my plan is completely NC...

You may want to reconsider doing the cleaning with her; more work on your own but peaceful, and it may be an opportunity for her to push your buttons and cause more chaos, setting back your recovery.

[Broken88]

Pretty woman: i am very happy to hear, that you have done so well for yourself after the breakup i hope to get there, and i am doing my Best to do the best for me in this situation... And really trying Hard to not want to die, today i Even used a seat belt!  Thanks for the support! I am in a weird place at the moment

Keef: yea keep yourself busy! I am as well having some fun at times also! And yea man F*CK 2016!  :D

Lovenature: i Think you are right... But i dont know what i am going to do yet

[lovenature]

What ever you decide to do Broken, put yourself first: do what is right for YOU!

[Broken88]

What ever you decide to do Broken, put yourself first: do what is right for YOU!

Thanks and you are right! I don't know if i need to walk in h*ll one last time, i dont really know anything atm... But i am trying to put myself first

[lovenature]

You know you don't NEED to walk through hell anymore, the question is whether you WANT to walk there again?