Hi pgri,
Good inventory. I remember when you joined bpdfamily. I can't believe it has been a year! It sounds like you are doing well, and exploring the reasons why this relationship had such a hold on you.
I can relate, as I was also in a "down" state before I met pwBPD. I didn't even realize it, but looking back I can see it.
5. we still have a few contact (email or texting) but it's always disappointing: she writes/I reply but if I ask something I get no answer; I write/she doesn't reply. Definitively one-sided.
I know what you mean, and it seems I have decided that I don't have time for one-sided connections anymore. Life is too short. Why do you think you are continuing with this unsatisfactory communication? (not saying it's wrong, just wondering what you are getting out of it).
6. the solution is in me, but it's very difficult to (re)create a whole new life
I hear you. What has been the most difficult so far?
Perhaps I loved to much this mixture of high drama and ecstasy
I think a lot of us were in that boat.
Nothing wrong with drama and ecstasy when we are fresh in love, but, with time and inner work, you may find that you are not as attached to those highs as you were before—you might want something different. Everyone is unique, of course, but this has been my experience so far.
heartandwhole