Leavers: What is your holiday strategy?

[heartandwhole]

Hi everyone on the Leaving Board 

Holiday time is upon us, and if we are fresh out of a relationship with pwBPD (and even not so fresh), it can be a challenging time. Memories pop into our awareness, we see couples out shopping, holding hands. There are holiday parties with mutual friends of our ex-partners, and many of our other friends are paired up. Time with family can be difficult, especially when we don't feel at our best, or especially vulnerable.

What can help us stay centered during the holidays while still allowing time for grief when it comes up?

How do you navigate the juxtaposition of feelings of loss and joy/celebration all around?


I am grieving the loss of a dear friend this year. When in grief, I tend to isolate myself. Some things I'm doing to counteract too much alone time:

1) I'm asking for support directly if I need it.
2) Getting out of the house for fresh air, even when I don't want to leave the warmth of my couch.
3) Getting together with friends and family (near) and contacting the ones far away as much as possible.
4) Learning something new; in my case, watching a video series on art history.
5) Watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and childhood shows that make me feel good.
6) Doing yoga and meditating as much as possible.
8) Giving back/ volunteering.
7) Giving myself quiet time before bed (no electronics) to feel, think, or just breathe.

What about you? Give us your tips, strategies, thoughts!

heartandwhole

[flourdust]

I am owning this time. No walking on eggshells, dealing with daily explosions, etc.

Rather than the big holiday party we used to host, I'm making a nice dinner for my parents, daughter, and a few friends.

I'm watching my favorite holiday movie. I'm going to spend a few days making cookies, just for fun.

I am viewing it as a time when the world slows down, when I can relax with coffee in front of the fireplace and just be still.

And if I get lonely or nostalgic, I can just look at my journal from one year ago to see what hell I've escaped!

[Duped 1]

My heart gets very heavy just thinking about it. She will be hanging out with my replacement and I will be home grieving I would Imagine. YUCK!

[Fie]

I feel like learning how to paint.
I was just watching this inspirational video, so I might just give it a try.

[Stripey77]

Duped... .please don't do that, especially not on Xmas day. Sitting at home alone grieving won't change anything but it will make you miserable. Please try to make some plans for this time with other people, friends or family, but don't sit there alone.

[michel71]

I am getting out of town. I will be back after Christmas and AFTER she moves out. Yes it is hard seeing all the couples out there and the happily married with families enjoying the season. I wish I was with a spouse that valued me but that wasn't the case. And I have had to radically accept that to get to the place that I am at now. And I am okay with that place.
I do volunteer. Love it. It keeps me sane. I volunteer working with dogs and puppies! How happy is that? Lots of doggie kisses and hugs.
I am paying more attention to work. Giving myself goals and harder time lines. Kicking it up a notch. It is high time for that since for the last 2 and a half years I have been "out to lunch" a lot of the time. Thank God I am still employed!
I am spending Christmas with the person I love most in this world... .my daughter. And that means EVERYTHING. Plus I will be in Miami and who doesn't love warm sand and beautiful ocean.
If I start to miss my stbxuBPDw I will just review my journal of all the bad. As much as it might hurt now, it doesn't hurt as much as it did when I was suffering though it. I feel delivered already. And I can breathe.
I am planning some changes in my house. New flooring. Window treatments. That is exciting and is another step in the exorcism of bad ju ju in my house.
I am planning for many small parties after the first of the year to celebrate my new found freedom with friends who have supported me throughout the misery.
I have decorated for Christmas with a vigor. I refuse to let her negativity rule any longer. My house should be adorned. It deserves that. I put up some of the best Christmas lights in years. And decorated a tree like I worked at Macy's. IT was a great sense of accomplishment as well as a middle finger to her.

[babyoctopus]

It will be the first Holiday season without my uBPDstbxh. I survived Thanksgiving and it was fine! I usually go to HIS family gathering- for the past 23 years- and I didn't miss it much this year. I stayed home, decorated, cooked, relaxed, watched TV and did whatever the heck I wanted to do! Free from the judging, the raging, the sulking, the offhand remarks trying to get a rise out of me. I can breathe!

The key as I read these posts is you have to have GRATITUDE for what you DO have. Gratitude is the key to happiness.

I look forward to the days and years ahead when I Finally Do What I Want To Do. I am embarking on a journey to myself and rebuilding my life.

I am alive! I am healthy! I am loved! I love!

[valet]

Incidentally, I find myself doing almost everything that you've listed already, h&h.

I'm not so into Charlie Brown or art history, but I have other things that fill those spots. The one thing that I could improve on, however, is having a more routine bedtime strategy. I often find myself in bed on my computer or working on something fun instead of going to sleep. I guess, mainly, I am just not that tired and stay up later due to my schedule. That said, my sleep hygiene used to be superb. I would read and hit the sack at pretty much the same time M-F, and on the weekends maybe stretch it a little further but still hold it down reasonably enough.

The holidays don't really trigger me, but I am stressed out in other ways. It's nice to reflect on what I'm doing for myself to counteract that. Thanks for sharing!

[lovenature]

She will be hanging out with my replacement and I will be home grieving I would Imagine. YUCK!

I know it hurts, but just think about when devaluation hits him; you know it's better to be alone in peace, free to do as you please, than to be on the rollercoaster through hell!

[heartandwhole]

I am owning this time.

You go, flourdust!  Your plans sound great, and I felt centered just reading them. I have no doubt that you will enjoy the holidays.

[heartandwhole]

My heart gets very heavy just thinking about it. She will be hanging out with my replacement and I will be home grieving I would Imagine. YUCK!

I know, this can be such a heart-heavy time, Duped.    Any ideas on what would make the holidays more bearable for you?

[heartandwhole]

I volunteer working with dogs and puppies! How happy is that? Lots of doggie kisses and hugs.
I am spending Christmas with the person I love most in this world... .my daughter. And that means EVERYTHING. Plus I will be in Miami and who doesn't love warm sand and beautiful ocean.
I feel delivered already. And I can breathe.
I am planning some changes in my house. New flooring. Window treatments. That is exciting and is another step in the exorcism of bad ju ju in my house.
I am planning for many small parties after the first of the year to celebrate my new found freedom with friends who have supported me throughout the misery.
I have decorated for Christmas with a vigor.

What a fantastic list of plans, michel71. I am so glad that you are spending the holidays with your daughter and also with the sun and sea. That sounds perfect.

It sounds like your feelings have been difficult, but motivating. I think that is a great "use" of them, and helps to keep us from getting really down during this time.

The key as I read these posts is you have to have GRATITUDE for what you DO have. Gratitude is the key to happiness.

I am alive! I am healthy! I am loved! I love!

Babyoctopus, you touched on something really important. I'm a big fan of pursuing gratitude at every opportunity, so thank you for the reminder. It is too easy to forget when we are grieving. I've been focusing on the laughter I shared with my friend, to keep my spirits up, and it is helping. Very inspiring post!

[heartandwhole]

The one thing that I could improve on, however, is having a more routine bedtime strategy. I often find myself in bed on my computer or working on something fun instead of going to sleep. I guess, mainly, I am just not that tired and stay up later due to my schedule.

I hear you, valet. And have you found any ideas about improving your bedtime ritual? Like you, I found that I wasn't tired and would do stuff on the computer until I felt ready to fall asleep.

Studies say that the blue-wave light from computer screens messes with our bio clock (melatonin release). I hadn't noticed any problems falling asleep after being on the computer, however. And normally, I'm very sensitive to light in my bedroom.

Well, I decided to try an experiment and went to bed without electronic screens. Just lay there and let myself rest. I fell asleep very quickly (and earlier) right away, several days in a row. So, I think I'm on to something. Winding down time... .with no tasks or agenda.

If I'm just not tired, I'll read a physical book until I get tired. That invariably works, because my bedside lighting is really low/bad 

[valet]

I hear you, valet. And have you found any ideas about improving your bedtime ritual? Like you, I found that I wasn't tired and would do stuff on the computer until I felt ready to fall asleep.

Studies say that the blue-wave light from computer screens messes with our bio clock (melatonin release). I hadn't noticed any problems falling asleep after being on the computer, however. And normally, I'm very sensitive to light in my bedroom.

Well, I decided to try an experiment and went to bed without electronic screens. Just lay there and let myself rest. I fell asleep very quickly (and earlier) right away, several days in a row. So, I think I'm on to something. Winding down time... .with no tasks or agenda.

If I'm just not tired, I'll read a physical book until I get tired. That invariably works, because my bedside lighting is really low/bad 

I have an app for my computer that changes the light emitted from the screen depending on where the sun is during the day. So at night, most of the blue light is removed. Quite clever actually, my computer used to keep me up for this very reason.

I'm not so concerned about changing my routine. It's pretty normal, just with the hours shifted back. So I'll wake up between 9-11 and fall asleep by 2, minus the weekends, cause I could be out late.

Books are also a good friend for sleep. 

[Roselee]

I have planned a lot of "new firsts" with my daughters.  All the things I have always wanted to do in the past... .but was never able to go forth with it.
I have planned for us to see a play on Christmas Eve, then dinner.  And Christmas Day will be home with my girls and lots of good food.
I am determined to make this the first Christmas in 6 years to be a "NON EGG SHELL WALKING" Christmas for me!  I am very excited about that!  I have reflected, and realized that every Holiday with my exBPDbf has had anxiety for me and constant conflict along with a lot of emotional distress, blaming, accusations and tears... .none of which ever had to happen. Last Christmas was the worst!

It may be lonely for me, seeing all by friends with their husbands etc, and like many have mentioned on this post, it's the "idea" of a relationship that will be missed.  However, I will just remain with my girls, and enjoy them and will focus to make it a good Christmas for us!  I truly hope it will all work out as I'm planning, and I will be left alone from my ex, and not have him ruin yet another Christmas for me!

I wish all to have best Holiday that we can make for US... .and 2017 will be a welcoming new start! 

[heartandwhole]

Roselee, you have the right idea. I love your energy in this post! I can feel how ready you are for a new start. That is inspiring, so thank you for sharing.

I've only been able to do about half the things on my list above.    So far, though, I've spent extra time with friends and family, and that's what it's all about anyway, right?

Have a wonderful holiday with your girls. 

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

It's Christmas morning here in Australia and I've had my breakdown moment. Cried my heart out this morning when one of our songs came on. Have now dusted myself off and going to get ready for lunch with family. I have my mum with me and nothing is going to spoil this. Merry Christmas heartandwhole and BPD family 

[purekalm]

This is my first year since we were married that he's not here, or for my son's birthday in November as well. Since he's pulled away for a long time I've been slowly detaching for the past couple years and the last bit of the toxic stuff went within the first month and a half. He hasn't been gone quite three months now, but I'm not even upset about him being gone, it's so much better this way.

I'm only upset for my son who has a dad that doesn't care about him. I look at my son and think of all the things he should have that comes with a loving and caring dad, and to me, that's what hurts. To know that whether he was here or gone like he is now, he wouldn't have had it either way.

 So, at the moment just fighting off depression and looking forward to seeing my son's face tomorrow morning because he appreciates anything he gets and this year he really understands the whole concept of gifts. Like others, reminding myself what I have to be thankful for and trying my best to be positive. =)

Merry Christmas everyone!      

[michel71]

Merry Christmas to all. It is still Christmas Eve on some parts ( well my part) but it is Christmas day elsewhere so again, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My day was marred by what I consider to be the final blowout with my stbxuBPDw. Prior to my leaving town she read my emails when my computer accidentally did not power down. In those emails she read some very private thoughts I had about her and her daughter. Some pretty blunt, if not offensive things that I would never have wanted her to read.

She went no talkie for several days. I finally reached out to her as she is still at home ( she is moving next week) and is taking care of my dog. I got a crap load of venom by text which culminated in her saying that she is blocking my phone number and text messages. And she did.
The only way I can contact her now is by email.

I don't even need to reiterate what she said. It was the typical BPD stuff. Projection. Gas lighting. False accusations. Flipping things around. Basically the gist was that it was all my fault and I have no right to talk to anybody about our marital problems and blended family problems and because I just cannot keep my mouth shut we are REALLY DONE.

Then she mentioned something about using emails to send the "paperwork" back and forth and for her to sign things. Yeah. She means divorce papers.

So my coping mechanisms went a bit out the window and I cried. And had a pretty emotional day.

[heartandwhole]

@Larmoyant  Merry Christmas to you! I've cried several times so far, too, and I'm okay with it. Good for the soul. Glad you are with your mum.  

@purekalm I can really understand your feelings about your son missing a caring dad. That is hard, especially during the holidays. I'm very glad he has you with him. You sound in a good place with your detachment, that is so good to hear. You mentioned gratitude, which I think is a wonderful antidote to self-pity and depressing thoughts. It's not always easy to get there, but it's my favorite feeling to experience. Happy Holidays to you.   

we are REALLY DONE.

Then she mentioned something about using emails to send the "paperwork" back and forth and for her to sign things. Yeah. She means divorce papers.

So my coping mechanisms went a bit out the window and I cried. And had a pretty emotional day.

Michel71,

I'm sorry to hear this. How understandable that you were emotional. In your shoes, I'd feel the same—I'm sure my feelings would be all over the place. You are not alone—we have a little club of criers here. 

How are you feeling today? Are you spending time with family?

Let us know how you are doing, we care.

heartandwhole

[michel71]

Hi. I am doing fair today. Trying to hold it together for my daughter.
Wrote a long email acknowledging my wife's hurt and my part in the devastation of our relationship. Wished her a merry christmas and told her that I still love her. She wrote back but didn't say much as she already told me that she is not putting her feelings down on paper anymore. She wished me and my daughter a merry christmas which I really appreciated.
I don't know what is next or when she will agree to meet with me.
Sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread.