How to really know a person?

[Sunfl0wer]

Actually I am wondering what others think.

I often can tell a friend that they are not in love as they think, rather they are infatuated with what is before them, and I can see that what is before them is only a part of who that person is.  (They have not met their friends, hung out in groups, met family, seen how they behave through a major life event such as change of job, or death.  Not that they HAVE to have a specific number of events, just that it is best to see a person in several lighting effects.)

I usually explain that until they see the person in non compartmentalized preplanned versions of who they are, then they are only experiencing a ration of that person.  (When a friend explains they are in love, but only know person via dating scenarios or such)

I actually wonder what others thoughts are?
How do you know you have experienced enough of a person to really know who they are vs who they are displaying to you?

Just curious
Thanks!

[valet]

I think that knowing who others are is more a function of knowing ourselves first. I find that when I am more confident and secure in what I think and say it doesn't matter what kind of input I get back, unless I see it as particularly valid and useful. I mean, in absolute terms we will never know anyone, but we do have the power to decide what our future is with people based on their current and past behavior. Patterns generally hold, and when they are broken it means that there must have been some serious event that scattered the puzzle pieces all over the table.

Experience is a fluid thing. There isn't some day where you'll wake up after knowing someone for a little bit and be like 'I've downloaded their whole personhood now and I know who they are!'. People change, and thus, so do we. I'm not so keen on trying to imagine or guess what other people think. You don't have to know what's going on in someone's mind to treat them with kindness, and you are within your rights to distance yourself from them if they ignore or disrespect your boundaries repeatedly and without remorse.

When we meet new people we're just either putting a yes or a no on them. 'Yes' is this person's cool and I'd like to hear more. 'No' is meh, they rubbed me the wrong way and I'm not interested. It's important to follow the yes's and respect the no's. And when a yes becomes more of a no over time, it's also our job to figure out what behavior is triggering that shift in our perspective. Sometimes it is us. Sometimes it is the other person or people. Usually it is both. Can those issues be rectified? It depends on both people.

Concentrate on doing your part well, and try to be aware if someone is putting too much of the load on your back. I'm not sure if that's a type of answer you were looking for, but nonetheless, remember that you are not responsible for how others feel. Know who you are and know that you have standards of respect and kindness.

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm not sure if that's a type of answer you were looking for,... .

Humm, yea, wasn't really looking for anything particular.  Just felt like pondering out loud.

Thanks for your thoughtful response!

I've downloaded their whole personhood now and I know who they are!'

Crud! I musta wasted a few good bucks to wikileaks then!
Would kinda be nice to download, but yea, pretty good point, later, that stuff IS always changing to some extent.

When we meet new people we're just either putting a yes or a no on them. 'Yes' is this person's cool and I'd like to hear more. 'No' is meh, they rubbed me the wrong way and I'm not interested.

I suppose in line with the self awareness board, this may be an area worth me doing some self pondering.  I really have issue with the idea of spending company where I am in my comfy zone.  My FOO has given me a comfy zone not so great.  I CAN very well be comfy with some not so cool stuff, just it is stuff "I get" or such.  Lots of things maybe could rub me the wrong way but don't.

I appreciate the thought of experience being fluid and also maybe my sense of self... .and also anothers.

Yet, possibly, people have some central core way of being, that part can be visible... .After enough dynamic experiences?

Idk
Maybe I am likely talking myself in a circle.
Sorry, not sure my point now really.
Ugh!
Thanks anyways!

[valet]

I see what you're saying.

I have friends and family that have unresolved issues in some aspects of their lives that they are really not aware of and aren't willing to do much exploration in. I wouldn't say that these things define these people but they are part of how I read them.

I think a lot of what you're talking about might be a struggle with figuring out what your deal breakers are. For instance, I have a friend that consistently dates the same type of women, even though from my perspective there are a bunch of red flags that he ignores. The relationships are always painful to him, but he always goes back for more... .just with a 'new' person. His reality is different from mine, however, and his choice of partners doesn't affect how we interact (if it does, the effect is inconsequential in the bigger picture). I don't overstep my bounds (i.e unsolicited advice) unless he really asks what I think. He also isn't incredibly judgmental of my opinions and doesn't use them against me in ways that hurt me. So the friendship is healthy, even if both of us might have little traits that signify a need to improve ourselves individually.

The thing is, I don't really care about his relationships. I only care about how we interact, and how nourishing those conversations are.

In essence, the only way to really 'know' other people is to see how we interact with them, how they might trigger us, etc. We are knowing them through ourselves. And through all of this, if we're willing to pay attention to everything, it can be a huge opportunity for self-reflection and personal insight.

I think it's dogma to say that someone has a 'core way of being'. It is magical thinking—and it generally opens up the door for enabling others to hurt us (or us hurt them), while excusing them for being unaware of who they are. We can always change, and we don't need to be satisfied with things unless we're making life good for ourselves by following our desires and balancing them out with a bit of pragmatism.

How much time do you spend alone? And what do you do with it? I think you might find a lot of relevant connections if you put some effort into thinking about these things!