Consequences of emotionally absent mother

[earlgrey]

Trying to get better (rid of chaos) is hard work. Much of one’s energy is spent necessarily barking up wrong trees. You find a big tree right in front of you, and so you go for it, you think it is the right one.

First tree was the BPD tree of my stbex. This was a great tree to bark up. I barked myself hoarse but ultimately no resolution. I found out a lot about my SO, but not much else.

Then I moved onto my ‘codependency’ traits. This was more relevant, but still IMO peripheral, secondary.

Attachment theory came next, this was very revealing. I liked this part.

Now I am getting on to a new chapter (sorry, tree) and it is to do with stuff that doesn’t even exist, invisible, ether like stuff. And that is the difficulty I am having - trying to get to grips with something that is unknown.

I am talking about the ‘information’ that was not passed on by a caretaker – mother in my case. OK the infant learns to adapt to the nature and degree of his nurturing/non-nurturing world and develops strategies, the basis of attachment theory.

The infant is dealing with stuff that he gets.

How about what he doesn’t get, doesn’t receive? And in this pot I would put things like emotions, trust, care, love etc.

All these things are just absent. When the infant is hungry he yells and gets fed (hopefully) that need is met. But the subtle areas of emotional needs surely awaken in the same way but when they are just left gaping and unfulfilled (I’m talking about my experiences), what happens?

This hole just stays put. It has no name, no obvious symptoms, no visibility. It just is.

This is where I am now.

I think I function pretty well (adult life in general), but when I look and the totally unfulfilling nature of my various romantic relationships I am beginning to understand that my ability to function well in an intimate r/s is extremely limited – non existant probably.

My emotions do not really work. How do I feel ? (I don’t.  I feel what others feel, and that has always worked for me).

I am trying to put some ideas together to help me form my own set of needs, wants, desires, motives,so that I can begin to function as an emotional human, and not simply spend all my energy doing all the (pretty good) things for others.

Now, not wishing to appear the ungrateful pooper, I have to say that the idea of going to a spa, or walk on the beach, or whatever, are bodily wonderful, and I’m fine with that. My body is fine too. But  I need to fire up the emotive neurons, the like, love, hate, care, angry neurons, the ones that’s seem pent up, or lost, and occasionally appear in a tear or two when some film gets me.

I find it extremely difficult to access this part of me. If anyone gets any of this I would be so happy to hear your stories, as I feel like I am trying to do something that is incredibly complicated, yet I am guessing most just learn it intuitively age zero.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey earlgrey, I think it's common for men to be disconnected from their feelings, because it's how we are raised, to be strong and stoic.  For a long time, I was totally disconnected from my feelings, yet now I can recognize them when they come up.  Perhaps that is the place for you to start: by acknowledging your feelings as they arise.  It's easy!  There are only four basic feelings: mad, glad, sad and afraid.  See if you can identify which one applies to you when you sense a feeling welling up.  I try to stop for a moment and say, hey, I feel sad about this, or hey, I feel angry about that.  If you can identify the feeling, you are on your way towards authenticity, in my view.

LuckyJim