Self reflection

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey everyone,

I've been doing a lot of reseach lately, both into boarderline structures and the relationship dynamic, and equally what my role is in perpetuating the dysfunction while in the relationship. I've have come to realization that I feel this need to rescue/save someone, probably to an unhealthy extent. I witnessed this growing up with my parents dynamic of my dad saving my mom from all of her issues. I seen it as noble. I never thought it could be so dysfunctional , although logically, the signs are clear as day.

I have always battled with low self esteem ever since I can remember and it is an issue I am begining to work on and understand better with the help of a cousellor. I can say that over the last 4 years and before I met my now ex partner I had made great progress in my own self image. It feels though like the qualities and vulnerability my expartner my have triggered in me these behaviours shortly after we got close? I don't know, but I am starting to become aware of my own toxic behaviours... .

The was (and to some extent, still is) co-dependancy in our relationship. My question is can both parties both be enablers in a co-dependant relationship? I have identified honestly some of the criteria for myself that would indicate enabling, however I can also identify traits of being the enabled... .kind of confusing as I learn more about the dynamic.

[Swhitey]

Hey everyone,

I've been doing a lot of reseach lately, both into boarderline structures and the relationship dynamic, and equally what my role is in perpetuating the dysfunction while in the relationship. I've have come to realization that I feel this need to rescue/save someone, probably to an unhealthy extent. I witnessed this growing up with my parents dynamic of my dad saving my mom from all of her issues. I seen it as noble. I never thought it could be so dysfunctional , although logically, the signs are clear as day.

I have always battled with low self esteem ever since I can remember and it is an issue I am begining to work on and understand better with the help of a cousellor. I can say that over the last 4 years and before I met my now ex partner I had made great progress in my own self image. It feels though like the qualities and vulnerability my expartner my have triggered in me these behaviours shortly after we got close? I don't know, but I am starting to become aware of my own toxic behaviours... .

The was (and to some extent, still is) co-dependancy in our relationship. My question is can both parties both be enablers in a co-dependant relationship? I have identified honestly some of the criteria for myself that would indicate enabling, however I can also identify traits of being the enabled... .kind of confusing as I learn more about the dynamic.

[Hisaccount]

I think you are correct about most of that. I too do nothing but analyze everything that happened.

As a codependent I certainly enabled her. Her last addiction was video games, so I would make something like waffles and I would cut them into little squares so she could easily eat with one hand. I was helping her stay in her addiction.

I am not sure how she enabled me, but I am sure she did. Going to have to ponder that a while.

I was in a good place when I met my ex. Who I was is what attracted her to me. Once in the relationship I changed who I was to be what she needed. A care taker.
That was not the person she met. I now suffer from low self esteem and depression. She did that to me, I allowed her to do that to me.

So I think you were better off than you think before you met her but you gave and gave until you are who you are today.

[Swhitey]

In some ways I was better off, in others I was working towards my dream of having a family that I could be a part of, to give my love to, to a healthy sex life with a partner that has the same labido and interest in sex, etc. I felt a lot of my needs were being met and that I was compromising on other things in exchange for things that I yearned for even more. Seemed logical at the time, but in hindsight maybe I was compromising on the wrong things because there were more and more responsibilities to running the household than I anticipated and having a partner that had a very difficult time with structure and routine. I felt it was important to create those structures/routines, especially for her son who happens to have downs syndrome & autism as these were things that would help him thrive and develop (as was my understanding from her in the initial stage of the relationship) I really felt fulfilled by running the house, picking the kids up from school, taking them to their afterschool activities, cooking dinners, nourishing everyone, vacuuming, doing dishes etc. and I honestly never felt that I was sacrificing any goals as these things became very important to me because her and the kids meant so much to me. I also felt that by doing these things it would enable my partner to achieve some of her goals of re-entering the workforce after being out of it for the last 10 years and she has been able to but she constantly is hopping from one goal/idea to the next with never following through on executing those goals. It was always "i have this great idea to make money!" and then there was never any follow through, and then I was told I broke the promise of finding a better paying job, or I won't quit smoking, (I relasped when we fist started dating, she would enjoy a cigarette at night after the kids went to sleep and one day I thought I could have just one... .nope, I was wrong and i fully take responsibility for that and I am figuring out how to stop again but obviously not in the time frame she expects) This is when I started to become quite defensive because I felt that I wasn't being heard or understood for the reasons I gave for why these promises change or could not be fulfilled in her eyes.

In any event, I can see where I have become co-dependent and am exploring ways to balance what I give without enabling another, I guess it's all about boundaries and self respect?

I find myself being pulled back in to her lately too. yesterday she was served papers from her ex husband about shared custody of their kids and a significant reduction in his support payments to her. she was in a bad place and asked for my help, breaking down in front of her kids crying. So I agreed and read over the papers and did my very best to provide insight and not agree entirely with all of her accusations that her ex husband is out to destroy her. I really separated my emotions and practiced empathy, while gently challenging her view that he was out to get her, reminding her several time that this is about the kids and what is best for them. I also valadated some of her concerns because her ex is doing some pretty nasty things like including all her perscriptions from the last year which in clude two tapings of medications in 6 moths so it looks like she is this pill popper, which is low by any means. She was thankful for my input and as I said good-bye, she asked if she could get a hug and I oblidged... .10 seconds into it we start making out like teenagers, and I swear that if the kids weren't there it would have gone much, much further (they were in another room btw)

This is so very confusing, I have never been in this type of situation, I didn't even know they existed... . 

[Hisaccount]

That is so similar to my marriage. It is amazing.

My ex will not leave me alone. She keeps leaning on me, but the divorce is not final, she is still moving stuff out.
She leans on me for a lot but is never there when I need to lean back. Kind of like our marriage.

I made my share of mistakes. Thing is, that is normal, people make mistakes, someone who truly loves you forgives you and moves on. BPD does not.
Someone who loves you accepts you despite your faults and still thinks you are amazing.
BPD does not.

If I was co dependent then I was happy that way. Sure things could have been better but they weren't that bad.

I need to move on, it was not healthy for either of us. It will not turn out any differently in the future either.

My ex doesn't realize how much of the burden I took on. She still thinks she was very helpful and did her share.
Classic example when we were talking about doing chores around the house, I asked, when was the last time you clipped the dogs toenails or gave them a bath?
She says just last week.
Problem is, I have been doing it at work and the toenail clippers have been in my pickup for 6 months.
So she is not lying per say because she honestly believes it. Yet it is not possible for her to do it.

[Swhitey]

It's tough, because we see someone in distress and needing help and we want to help them. I am challenging my motives on what I am actually getting out of it. Is it coming from a truly compassionate place and selflessness? Or am I seeking some validation that I am a good person for doing this and I will recieve love that I crave so much because I have a difficult time loving myself?

Throw in some boarderline structure (emotional regulation disorder, I like this term better) traits and it is easy for me to see how a person like me can fall in to this cycle of relationship behaviors, much like what you have expressed as well as many others i've seen on this board.

I observed during my talk with my ex (?) last evening how quickly everything became about her, whether it was about what her ex husband was doing or how she seen why or relationship ended up where it is now. It became very tricky to gently shift the focus to the topic at hand and make it about the kids many times. I am really starting to become more aware of my emotions in the moment and practice mindfulness and emotional intelligence, but I also make lots of mistakes at this point too

Hisaccount, you make a lot of sense when you say "If I was co dependent then I was happy that way. Sure things could have been better but they weren't that bad." I feel similarily to that especially with the things could've been better but they weren't that bad" for me at least. Perhaps it was worse for my partner, she had a different experience with our dynamic.

I truly hope you are able to move on, and move on in the direction that brings you happiness and fulfillment. which ever path you decide to take. I am hoping for the same myself, because at this point I struggle with what I want right now. both baths have their own appeal.

Geez my posts are feeling like an online diary, a diary that provides quality, constructive feedback! This is great bonus!   

[Hisaccount]

I battle with this all the time too. Before I met my ex I was the person that would stop and help someone along the side of the road. If I had it I gave money to people, I would stay after work to help people that needed help on their cars.

Once the ex came into my life she was my world. All those things stopped. I gave everything to her. My time, my thoughts, my heart, my soul. Everything I had to give.
Yet it wasn't enough.
That leaves you in a very bad place when you know for a fact that everything in you is not enough to keep someone that is soul crushing.

It is good you can ask yourself why and I have been doing that as well. I cannot say anything I do for my ex is selfless. I am doing it to get her back, to hold onto her.
But I do want to be that giving person again, co dependent or not.

I have the same problem it is always about her. Never about, how I am doing. It is all about them.
They discard us and yet we cling. That is messed up, but that is where the fear of abandonment is to blame.