An Interesting Thing Happened...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I normally don't post on this board because I detached from the abuse of my uBPDexgf several months ago. But, a strange thing happened yesterday, and as a result, I think that this is the appropriate place for me to chronicle it... .

After 10 years of silence from my dBPDexw, she contacted me, via email, yesterday. A whole slew of repressed emotions surfaced.

She used a topic to contact me that she knew that I'd respond to: fathers' rights.  I responded, and we started a dialogue. It was all very strange.

From what I gather, she's struggling and hating her life right now. She also told me that she thinks that talking to me might be therapeutic and bring her closure.

It was frustrating to hear that even after all these years, she still harbors ill feelings towards me and that her version of reality about our marriage still holds true for her. I am not sure how I feel about the fact that she truly believes that I put holes in walls, prevented her from her from talking to me when I was doing something like watching TV, etc. Those things never happened. I guess in her mind they did though.

The emails progressed to text messages. She's now chatting with me like we're old friends. I'm sitting here wondering what this is all about and why she contacted me to begin with.

[Meili]

I normally don't post on this board because I detached from the abuse of my uBPDexgf several months ago. But, a strange thing happened yesterday, and as a result, I think that this is the appropriate place for me to chronicle it... .

After 10 years of silence from my dBPDexw, she contacted me, via email, yesterday. A whole slew of repressed emotions surfaced.

She used a topic to contact me that she knew that I'd respond to: fathers' rights.  I responded, and we started a dialogue. It was all very strange.

From what I gather, she's struggling and hating her life right now. She also told me that she thinks that talking to me might be therapeutic and bring her closure.

It was frustrating to hear that even after all these years, she still harbors ill feelings towards me and that her version of reality about our marriage still holds true for her. I am not sure how I feel about the fact that she truly believes that I put holes in walls, prevented her from her from talking to me when I was doing something like watching TV, etc. Those things never happened. I guess in her mind they did though.

The emails progressed to text messages. She's now chatting with me like we're old friends. I'm sitting here wondering what this is all about and why she contacted me to begin with.

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm sitting here wondering what this is all about and why she contacted me to begin with.

You have no idea?

[Meili]

I can speculate, but I've learned that doesn't do any good with a pwBPD and I'm usually wrong. 

[Julia S]

Danger alert!

She still harbours ill feelings towards you, yet she contacted you - not looking like a good outcome for you then.

You're wondering what it's all about and why she contacted you - already you're hooked, this is all about her.

Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, bear in mind interaction with her may destroy it. If no... .

Do you honestly think you could go back to being in a relationship with her?

Do you honestly think you can be friends with her without it damaging you/your friendships relationships?

Have you been reeled in by the element of surprise, just when you thought you were safe?

Make sure you ask the right questions, rather than wondering what's going on in her mind, which you cannot hope to answer, and for which the only safe solution is for her to see a therapist.

[Rayban]

@Julia S

Great post.

This should be a sticky for what to consider when a BPDex re-establishes contact.  Might save some folks a lot of heart ache.

To the OP knowing she specifically chose a subject you would respond to, should answer a lot of your questions.

Sounds like she is looking for a fantasy reunion. 

[drained1996]

So do you plan to continue the communicating?

[Shedd]

uBPDexgf

What do these things stand for I'm trying to figure them all out.

Thanks.

[SoMadSoSad]

What do these things stand for I'm trying to figure them all out.

Thanks.

Undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder Ex Girlfriend I believe.

[Meili]

Yep, that's what the acronym stands for.

Those were very good questions Julia.

I did communicate with her some more. In fact, I talked to her for quite a while. She's in a bad place and wanted my input. She was receptive to the idea that she is, in fact, disordered, and we talked about her finding a DBT therapist. I hope that she does.

In the beginning of the conversation, I was split black. I have been for a decade. She told me that I am "the monster that she uses to explain bad relationships to others."

During one part of the conversation, we were reminiscing and I found old writings that I had done when we separated. She asked me to read them to her. When I did, the tone of her voice changed and she let me know that she was starting to understand her part in all of it. She even apologized for how she acted. There was more talk about DBT.

In the end, she thanked me for talking to her, told me that I'm not the monster that she remembers, and we parted ways again.

I learned a bit more about myself from the experience.

The reason that I shared all of this is because "will he/she contact me ever again" is a frequent question around here. This is one pwBPD that I would never have expected to contact me. She did when she was in need of comfort and soothing though. Fortunately, enough time and space has happened since our relationship and I've learned and grown. If this had happened even a few months ago, I'd be chasing after her again... .trying to "earn the love of my abuser."

[Julia S]

Let's hope that she will seek treatment. But I wouldn't rely on it. And in the meantime I think you have to take full responsibility for both of you in any renewal of friendship, knowing that she can't. If you encourage her into therapy and offer to support her through it - as I have offered similar support, should a friend choose that route - I would urge you to think carefully about whether you could do so without it messing you up again, and not promise more than you can safely give.

[Meili]

She did ask me again what type of therapy I mentioned to her last night. It's now on her to do something with the information. Only time will tell that.

The idea of having a friendship with her seems weird to me. There's so much negative history between the two of us. I'm trying not to get emotionally involved.

Besides, it isn't about her or what she may or may not do, it's about me and my feelings. I'm glad that I've learned to keep myself safe.

[drained1996]

I'm trying not to get emotionally involved

From my own personal experience that was very difficult.  I felt I was capable, but I was not as capable as I thought.  Though it was simply a road bump for me in my journey, it was not a healthy thing for either of us.  My 2 cents.   

[Meili]

Yeah, I can see how it could be easy to get sucked back into everything, drained.

I hate to admit it, but I did have to stop and think so as to avoid falling into old habits. It's a learning process for all of us though. I'm just happy that I was able to stop rather than just reacting.

[Julia S]

It isn't just about whether you can resolutely not get romantically involved, it's about whether you can interact with her at all, in view of the personality disorder and the fact it's particularly bad now, without it rebounding on you.

[Meili]

What do you mean Julia?

[Julia S]

In a sense that therapists often have problems with pwBPD messing with their minds. Just the whole getting into the habit of adjusting what you say to fit her distorted reality, just to keep her on an even keel, if she starts wanting to talk to you regularly. Plus, if you do that, the whole projection and transference thing will probably land on you again. And the blame.

[SoMadSoSad]

In a sense that therapists often have problems with pwBPD messing with their minds. Just the whole getting into the habit of adjusting what you say to fit her distorted reality, just to keep her on an even keel, if she starts wanting to talk to you regularly. Plus, if you do that, the whole projection and transference thing will probably land on you again. And the blame.

Thats what boundaries are for. To protect us from others. As long as he puts his needs first and looks out for himself, whatever she does should have little to no effect on him.

[Meili]

Ah, yeah, that makes sense. Thank you for clarifying what you meant.

I have concerns about that. She was my wife, she does know my history and what buttons to push with me. I know that I have to be extra careful with her.

She employs different tactics than my uBPDexgf used, so I was taken a bit off-guard by some things last night when I was talking to her. I was able to reground myself though.

Therapy should be interesting tomorrow!

[Julia S]

SMSS, thinking you have boundaries is one thing, but adequately maintaining them with a person with whom a trained professional cannot is another. It's a bit like saying you'll be OK going into battle if you're carrying a shield.

And while you can set definite boundaries about your own behaviour, you can't control what someone says to you, or how it makes you feel.

Best thing I can suggest is relate all your interactions with her to people here. That will keep you on the straight and narrow and also ensure sensible people are monitoring what each of you say and do, in case it is called into question. I am very glad I was able to share pwBPD interactions with close friends, because they have been able to reassure me when he started accusing me of saying or doing the wrong thing, or when he denied things he'd previously said.

[Meili]

I agree with almost all of that Julia, I don't completely agree with the "you can't control what someone says to you, or how it makes you feel." While something that is said may be hurtful for a moment, it is completely up to me whether or not to accept that hurt. I do, ultimately, get to control how I feel about it.

[kentavr3]

Meili,
I have the same situation now. It is good the people on board can supervise you. Physiologists call this as "second circle". the second circle is more brutal then the first one. You'll completely destroy yourself. remember about Sirens legend (actually, read a book "Siren's dance"? She doesn't care about you, she needs just a temporary harbor for her existence. Since you are partly on a hook ( so Am I), you are addicted to the painful relationships. remember that love brings joy, not pain. Emotionally healthy people do not harm others. Take care of yourself. You need to treat your head if you start writing back to her. Remember that BPD can't be treated because this is usually complicated with NPD. You are going back to the dysfunctional neurotic relationship. Enter will cost you nothing, but exit will cost you a lot ( in my case already 30 000$, lost health, panic attacks and etc.). Go to NC. If you have other questions like kids or property use "grey rock".

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like this contact gave you a bit of closure/healing/something.

Sounds like it might have helped your exwife a bit too.

The emails progressed to text messages. She's now chatting with me like we're old friends. I'm sitting here wondering what this is all about and why she contacted me to begin with.

There's plenty of weird there on her side, but what about you?

What do you want with your exwife. You state pretty clearly that you need to be at least a bit cautious around her, that you can't trust her too deeply. Do you want to be old friends with her now?

[Meili]

I'm not sure if I could be her friend GK; but you're right, we both did seem to get a bit of closure and healing from the talks (things progressed into phone conversations).

She has been sick and home from work for the past two days. I basically spent both days with her either on the phone or via email. I decided that she was having a really bad time with her emotions and I kept her company while she was in that dark place. She thanked me for spending the time with her when she was sick and needed someone, and that she's very overwhelmed by her emotions and that I may not hear from her again. At the very least, she's going to take a few days to process the way that she sees me now.

I helped her find a behavioral therapy facility in her area that takes her insurance (I just searched online and left it to her to pick one and contact it) and a place that does free DBT. She told me that she contacted the free place and is on their waiting list. She was supposed to contact one of the facilities today. I have no idea whether or not she did. I haven't heard from her today.

I'm good whether she contacts me again or not.I'm in a good place. I am happy that she acknowledged and apologized for all her crazy behavior and hurting me. She brought up some of the bizarre behavior that she did when we were married. It was weird hearing about it. I had completely forgotten about it all at this point. All that I remembered was how volatile and abusive she was. I didn't remember the details. As she told the stories, I was floored that I stayed as long as I did.

All-in-all, it was a learning experience for me. I was able to recognize my habitual responses and change them in real-time. The conditioned and/or impulsive responses ran through my mind, but I kept them there. I still got some things wrong. I was still the "knight in shining armor" (ok, it's really rusty armor) that is always dependable, but I didn't try to save/fix her. I thought about trying to do it, but didn't do it.

I realized that it wouldn't matter who it was who came to me in this condition, I'd still reacted the same way. It doesn't matter that she's my exwife, she's a person and I'd still give because of that. It was nice to watch myself not give more than I have to safely offer.

[lovenature]

Looking for an attachment most likely, her orbiters are all unavailable so you get contacted to sooth her emotions. Really sad that after 10 years you get a contact attempt; just shows how serious the disorder really is.

[afdezm]

First, I want to apologize myself for my English.

really? you haven't learned anything after 10 years? that you are hook so easily… she doesn’t apologize for anything,,, is all about her,, she want your attention, she want that you care about her… she uses the words that you want to hear,, be more smart my friend and run. Stop this conversations right now.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Meili,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I think this is a great post to learn from. I was observing (in myself and others) how these kinds of "contact after years" posts trigger warnings and fear in so many of us. I felt it inside of me, too. The fight/flight response can linger a long time! 

This sounds like a great opportunity for you to gauge where you are in your relating life, Meili. And to me, you are doing great. You caught yourself wanting to rescue, and nipped it in the bud. You helped another human being whom you care about—that is a right and kind thing to do.

The only things that ring alarm bells (yes I'm going there) in my head are the fact that a) the communication escalated very quickly into all day chat/contact, and b) you did for her what she could do herself.

In my case, pwBPD contacted me after 4 years asking to rekindle some kind of connection, which really surprised me. Since we had already tried and failed several times to be "just friends," I replied with a kind and firm email saying that it wouldn't work (based on our experience). He was a gentle, extremely aware, empathic individual—there were so many times he saw what his behavior had wrought, and was so very sorry to have hurt me. BUT, it didn't stop the disorder from hijacking his emotions the next day, the next week, the next minute. Sad. And I had to accept that no matter how much he was working on his stuff (and he was), my heart couldn't take the instability.

I have full confidence in you, Meili. Thanks for sharing, and please do keep us posted, as we all learn from each other's experiences. 

heartandwhole

[bus boy]

Great reply Julia S.

 Meili, your a better person than I. I don't know if I would of responded to xw after all those years.
Maybe I still have some detaching and growing to do but the way I feel at this point in my life if xw reached out to me for help in would crush her like a bug. I could care less if she ever seeks help and hope she lives with internal hell every waking moment of her life. Maybe I'm the one who needs help for feeling this way, I'm not a hateful person.

[Meili]

The only things that ring alarm bells (yes I'm going there) in my head are the fact that a) the communication escalated very quickly into all day chat/contact, and b) you did for her what she could do herself.

I have full confidence in you, Meili. Thanks for sharing, and please do keep us posted, as we all learn from each other's experiences. 

Yes, the communication escalated quickly, but that's also part of the type of person that I am. I love to chat with people. Also, while I am positive that she could have sought out the information on her own, I also know that sometimes things are harder than others. As someone who won't call a pizza place to order food, I can understand emotional blocks on some things.

She told me that she did try to find the info, but was having trouble doing it on her phone. All that I did was log into her insurance acct and click the appropriate boxes to get a list of providers and sent her the list. The rest is on her.

It has been real interesting talking to her and listening to the in-depth BPD side of things as she explains her dysregulation to me in pretty good detail; especially since it isn't directed at me anymore. I don't have any feeling that she's trying to recycle our relationship. I won't let that happen anyway. Well, I might someday if she does get the help that she needs.  At this point, I'm little more than a virtual shoulder for her to cry on when I have the time and inclination.