Why did I allow this for so long?

[Roselee]

I have posted here before, then went to "conflicted", now I am back, and hope to remain.  

After almost 6 years it has hopefully finally hit me that the man who I did truly love, and try to help, and did have respect for, will never see me as the person I truly am. His trust and jealousy issues are off the wall, and has progressed and escalated over the years.

At this point I am sad, I am sad that he couldn't see the future of how it could be, sad that ALL the things he accused me of were something that he created in his head, bazaar accusations that came out of no where. Sad that no matter what I said or did never sufficed for very long. Sad that I put up with being called horrible names over and over.  Sad that I couldn't help him.  And finally, very sad that it took me so long to finally be able to know that I was not in a good place and it would NEVER get any better.  

I feel sorry for myself now, I will admit that. The other day, while at my girlfriends house, her husband was telling a random story, and went on to speak about how he can't understand how normally strong women will let themselves be verbally and emotionally even physically abused. He obviously was saying this towards me, and I felt embarrassed, I couldn't really say anything, because in my own experience I feel it crept up on me so slowly. And yes, I can't understand it much either, I used to say and feel the same exact way... .always questioning why these women stay?
My girlfriend later explained that she told her husband because she was concerned for my safety, again I was embarrassed.
So, now I am emotionally weaker, and a lot more cautious. I still jump when my phone makes a noise. At what point will I start to feel free and independent again. I try to explain that I feel sad, not because I miss him, he is no longer the person I thought he was. Rather I feel sad because of what I really thought could be, and sad that it took so much awful actions and words to be said by him over and over for me to finally realize. So many people told me... .here on this site as well.  What was making me take him back soo many times. I actually am grateful in a strange way, that his cycling got worse and came more often. He began to cycle from loving to mean in as little as 15 minutes... .even during one conversation. Then repeat 3 times a day. I guess now thinking of it, I am really thankful that it got that bad, because who knows, I might have been still trying to help him and thinking I did something wrong, if it hadn't become such a daily event.
I guess now I have to heal and try to learn some more about how this whole chapter in my life came to be. And to learn more about myself, on why I let it happen.

[JerryRG]

My 2 cents?

I'm codependent =

I have a nurotic belief that I can help others love me.
I have a nurotic belief I can fix other people.
I have a nurotic appetite to find people to fix.
I have a nurotic way of dismissing the obvious, (denial?)
I have a nurotic way of splitting so I can completely forget the abuse and stay even though I know it's pure insanity.
I have a nurotic sense of people pleasing. (Approval Sucking) and it's about control
I have a nurotic "god" complex. Thinking I have power to change others to suite my wishes.
I am an ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
I am repeating my relationship with my mother when I pick pw severe mental illness in some hope this time things will turn out the way I wanted them too.
My mother couldn't love me, my first wife was unable, my exgf surely cannot.
CPTSD and other factors also apply.

I'm a "hot mess" and I have a responsibility to fix myself now so I can be happy.

I realize true joy, happiness and contentment will never be found outside myself. No person, place or thing will fill my voids. I find my life in me, and my relationship with God.

Hope you feel better... .

[Julia S]

Roselee, I am so sorry this happened to you.

Firstly, any sort of abuse creeps up on you very slowly, it starts off so slight that it is really not abuse at all.
So you accept it. And think it won't happen again.

Verbal and emotional abuse is much more difficult to define. The 'silent treatment' and not responding to msges is now often classed as abuse.
But it's a vague area, so you accept it.

We are taught that in a relationship, particularly a marriage, we must compromise, and work at it, and not just give up.
So we accept it.

In marriage we are taught we must accept someone in sickness and in health.
This is sickness, so we accept it.

As women, there is still an unwritten expectation from society that we will support our male partners.
So we accept it.

I think the biggest problem is the realisation that this is a disorder, that it is a mental disorder, and that the person who has it cannot help what they are doing. Yet there is limited understanding of this disorder, except that it is a broad spectrum, and we all hope that the people we know will seek treatment and recover. Early on when I rumbled what was wrong with my friend, I found lots of resources about how I could help by validating their feelings etc. This was too optimistic, I think. And like the sufferer of the disorder, it puts the responsibility for their improvement on the person closest to them.

There are lots of perfectly good healthy kind and caring reasons why you don't want to give up on someone with a mental disorder. Please don't blame yourself for trying.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Roselee, Your question is one I could ask myself.  I suspect many here stayed longer than was healthy.  Don't beat yourself up!  Suggest you treat yourself w/kindness and try to figure out how you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Agree, you can't control what he thinks about you.  Instead, I suggest that you focus on what you think of yourself.  Can you love and accept yourself?  That's a good place to start, in my view.

LuckyJim

[lovenature]

how he can't understand how normally strong women will let themselves be verbally and emotionally even physically abused. He obviously was saying this towards me, and I felt embarrassed, I couldn't really say anything, because in my own experience I feel it crept up on me so slowly. And yes, I can't understand it much either, I used to say and feel the same exact way... .always questioning why these women stay?

Don't ever feel embarrassed Roselee, it isn't possible for ANYONE who hasn't lived through a BPD relationship to ever fathom it. Yes there are other abusive relationships where people stay when they should leave. This leads to the lesson of staying in a toxic relationship: we need to work on ourselves so it doesn't happen again.
When you dig into why you allowed it to go on for so long, likely you will find FOO issues from your childhood, and it can be extremely painful what you learn-but necessary to find a better way of life.

[Lucky Jim]

When you dig into why you allowed it to go on for so long, likely you will find FOO issues from your childhood, and it can be extremely painful what you learn-but necessary to find a better way of life.

Nicely said, lovenature.  Yes, it's painful but necessary in order to move forward.  Thanks!

LJ

[Roselee]

So I was having a tough day today.  Seems a lot of my "firsts" without my exBPD in my life have started. First time going to my work Christmas party without him. My daughter was wonderful and drove the hr and 1/2 to come home from school and offered to go with me. 

 I was feeling so terribly sad, not sure why again, when my brain is telling me this is the right thing for me, but I came on to this site and saw all the very reassuring and insightful responses to my post!  I can't tell you how helpful this all has been for me!

I wish I could pin point why I still cry. And every time I cry or feel sad or lonely I have the need to reflect back on his abusive texts and voice mails. and my own journals, just to remind myself why I am not with him right now.  I am scared at how my brain can so easily forget or at least push aside his hurtful abusive words and actions and the scared feelings and anxiety I would have on a daily basis.  Is it strange or wrong to have to keep reflecting back to all the negative? To keep replaying the bad scenes in my head?  The bad became so bad, how is it that I am still able to remember and hold onto the little shimmer of good that may have been there.

I was given some great words of wisdom (from here) that it's ok to give up on a fantasy when it's really not reality (short version).  It's just crazy that I should have to keep reminding myself over and over that, yes, this is a better choice for me to have NO Contact, and yes, this is the only way to get myself better and for him to realize it's not Ok anymore, This I know... .But, why is the only way to remind myself is to re-read and replay his hurtful abusive words?
Seriously?  I should just know this without having to replay it all!  I just don't understand myself and how I'm thinking sometimes, because honestly, if he were to call me right now, I would jump from my skin and go into a panic... .with the same feelings of not knowing whether to answer or not, respond or not, afraid to do either one. It's an awful feeling.  I guess at this point that is what I need to keep reminding myself of, putting that scenario to myself. 
I was married for 15 years and divorced, I was even in a relationship with someone where he committed suicide... .however, I have Never felt the emotions that I feel with the ending of this relationship... .and that is another thing that I think I will need to understand why.  Why has this torn me up so much... .

Thank you all, AGAIN, for listening! 
RL

[lovenature]

Roselee, it has torn you up so much, like so many others, because a PWBPD's behaviors go against all we have ever known about rational human interaction; the more unconditional love you give to someone, and the closer you get, the more you expect them to reciprocate (natural in the healthy mature relationships). Problem with BPD of course is the exact opposite happens.

The idealization combined with their psychological defences during devaluation causes us to desire contact with them, even though we know it only leads to more pain. It takes time for the heart to catch up with the head.

Take care of yourself.

[Roselee]

I was really starting to feel ok yesterday.  Almost 2 full weeks of NC, which is huge for me! I was actually starting to feel a little like myself again. Even to the point of looking forward to Christmas with my girls, and realizing that this will be the first Christmas in many years that I won't have anxiety over whatever the mood barometer may be. Realizing I won't have to diffuse any flair ups and be on egg shells for the whole Holiday.
Then I receive a text from my girlfriends husband. My exBPDbf had been working on his old car, restoring it. With my ex's issues, one of them has been that he thinks I have been, in his words, "f'ng" my friends husbands, and this particular one as well.  Of course this is ridiculous and I have no idea where this comes from, like so many of this thoughts and accusations.
Well he texted me saying that now my ex has blocked him and he was asking me if "he has lost his mind". He wants to pick up his car after New Year's and wants to know his mind set, and how much "backup" he needs to bring with him, and if he should have the police on standby.  This just made me so sick!  He had contacted me last week asking about my ex, and I told him I was no longer having any contact with him.  Why did he feel it necessary to bring this up to me again?  I'm upset that my friends see him like this, I've tried to keep it as private as well. But also, my ex has created this scenario for himself to.
I asked him if he tried other phones to call him from, and he said no. He thought of sending a registered letter, and I told him to do that. He wanted me to get in contact with his sister in law just to see what his mind set is like. I almost did text her, but then I decided, I really did not want to.  My goal for myself was not to have my Christmas ruined again, and I feel that by contacting her I may be doing just that.  She may tell me info that I do not want to hear right now. Not to mention the backlash I may receive when my ex finds out that I contacted his sister-in-law. That had started stuff before, and he has brought it up to me over and over, that apparently "I" made him look like a freak with his family.
 I told my girlfriends husband I didn't want to contact her before Christmas, and he said he would wait until after Christmas as well to send a letter.
I really don't want to get involved with this, however, one of my ex's bizaar thoughts was that I and possibly my girlfriends husband were looking to hurt him in some way and make it look like he did it to himself. His last text to me was that I had him scared for his life.  Do I get involved for everyone's safety?  I didn't tell anyone about this, because it's so bizaar, I know no one else will understand his mind. But again, I don't know where his mind is at right now either.
I don't know what to do, I really don't want to contact anyone!  I was feeling good too, really thought I was starting to see the light again. Then I instantly felt like I got hit in the stomach and the depressed, dread, worry, anxiety, sadness, all came flooding back. I am worried about my ex, and his health, but I don't want to be in that place anymore. I just want it all to go away!
I would just feel terrible if there was some kind of an altercation, and I never said anything to anyone about his frame of mind when I last had contact with him.
Any suggestions?

[lovenature]

I would just feel terrible if there was some kind of an altercation, and I never said anything to anyone about his frame of mind when I last had contact with him.
Any suggestions?

You know that his frame of mind all depends on his current emotion of the moment, and it can change in a matter of minutes never mind the last time you had contact with him.

I would suggest you look after yourself, stay NC, enjoy Christmas with your loved ones. The people in your life will likely accept you don't want anymore contact with your ex., if not then maybe they shouldn't be in your life.

[c_craig_k]

Well he texted me saying that now my ex has blocked him and he was asking me if "he has lost his mind". He wants to pick up his car after New Year's and wants to know his mind set, and how much "backup" he needs to bring with him, and if he should have the police on standby.  This just made me so sick!  He had contacted me last week asking about my ex, and I told him I was no longer having any contact with him.  Why did he feel it necessary to bring this up to me again?  I'm upset that my friends see him like this, I've tried to keep it as private as well. But also, my ex has created this scenario for himself to.

This part stood out to me. This guy is contacting you because he's probably confused, and he probably doesn't understand how critical it is for you to cut your ex out of your life entirely. Don't be upset that your friends see your ex in any particular way. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB (sorry for yelling) to ameliorate their perceptions for your ex. What about telling the guy that you are sorry he's having trouble with your ex, and that maybe he can see why you've cut off all contact, and tell him (not ask) not to ask you anything about him again?

[Roselee]

c_craig... .Very Good advise!  Thank you!

He does know about his behavior, because during our first breakup back in August... .he received crazy phone and text messages from him.  Thankfully he was the only one of my friends who's phone number he had, or possibly all of my girlfriend's husbands would have gotten them too.

That is what annoys me I guess... .is that he is aware of his potential state of mind, and how he had been with me in the past (just not all the recent details and activities... .they are pretty awful for me to talk about to my friends at this point)... .so why throw salt in my wound?

But, I agree with you... .I just need to tell him, sorry, but if you need to send a registered letter or go with backup, then do what you need to do... .I just don't want to know about it.

Thank You!

[Roselee]

Not sure why today... .I'm guessing it's because New Year's is this weekend, but I am feeling like I'm starting to fail again.  Why... .why... .why... do I feel the need to contact him?
I have been NC for 3 weeks... .although honestly, it feels like 3 months!  Part of me feels like he is a stranger to me now... .then other parts miss him.

New Year's will be harder for me I feel, than Christmas was. I keep going back into my journal and reading about all the stress I was under, I even found pages I wrote from 2 and 3 years ago having the same troubles and anxiety, and tears.

So, I know this, I know what I went through... .yet the alone feeling and ache for that man I did fall in love with is still there. I wonder sometimes, if he is hurting even a little, or is still in his angry mode, or has he been finding someone else already.

As far as I know, he still has my girlfriend's husband blocked, and I know he wanted me to find out about my ex's "state of mind" and contact someone, possible his sister-in-law, because he wants to pick up his car that my ex has been working on. But probably at this point he stopped working on it and who knows the status of that car. I've decided I don't want to do that at all. He can send him a registered letter to arrange pickup. It's just upsetting that he wouldn't finish that job as well.
They are having their annual after Christmas party in a couple of weeks, and I've decided that I won't be going.  I don't want to be answering questions to her husband about my ex, or hearing stories, not to mention how difficult it will be for me to attend anyway as this was always a party that we always enjoyed going to together. 

I feel this is a big transformation for me... .and something tells me it's not over yet.  I feel I need to stay out of sight for a bit.  This will be the first New Year's that I have been completely solo in I don't know how long... .maybe my first. I got myself plenty of books, and plan to just borrow in, and hopefully not feel sorry for myself!  That will be the hardest part I'm sorry to say.
Don't mean to be a downer... .but I guess just not feeling as strong and confident as I should be... .I will be happy when these Holidays are over.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Roselee, Suggest you let your Ex deal w/the car repair issue.  Not your problem!  Good idea to skip the party.  Who needs the stress?  Maybe you could write down some of your feelings as a way to process them?  It sounds like you are planning a peaceful New Year's Eve, which could be a good way to start the New Year.

LJ

[ynwa]

Hello Roselee, 

Your story resonates with me.  First off don't be embarrassed by your relationship. I am 6 foot 4 215 pounds and I went through it.  The physical and verbal abuse is something we do let fly by us in the moment.  And we because we see it as an aspect of their disorder and their lack of empathy or responsibility, we pick up afterwards and usually with no one to relate what happened to.

As to your situation, you should let your friends know your situation (as basic as possible) and try to stay out of it. I know your attachment to him means feeling responsible for his actions, but maybe realizing he was never "responsible" for his actions towards towards you.

[Roselee]

So, I am having a bit of a conundrum.  For some reason I am feeling the need to write, and mail my exBPDbf a closure letter.  Not saying anything bad or blaming, just more of a, best of luck and I am grateful for our good times together, type letter.
I am not expecting, nor do I want any response back. I guess I'm just feeling that I don't want our almost 6 year relationship to end with such ill feelings towards each other. From what I am hearing, it sounds like he has put a full block on all outside calls. Which I take as him not wanting anything to do with me or anyone who may have any connection to me. We have been NC for a month.
I will admit, that I want to mail the letter for my own selfish reasons. It would make me feel better not having left as is because things ended so badly. His last text to me was him thinking I was plotting to hurt him, and he was "in fear for his life".  It bothers and upsets me that he would think that... .I want him to know that I don't like how things ended, and that I just wish him best of luck in the future.

Am I being naive that he will read it as just what it is... .a goodbye, closure kind of a letter?  I kinda feel that it's something I need to do for me. But I don't want to make things worse for him either. Maybe him blocking everyone out is his way for healing. I don't want him thinking I am being manipulative by sending him what I would consider to be a kind letter saying goodbye, rather than how everything was left, with anger, stress, accusations, paranoia, grief.

I know that he has spoken to both his ex wives ( and still does ) so why does he feel the need to totally banish me and all possible associations of me?  His ex's were awful relationships and yet he is still able to look past that, and have contact with them.  NOT that I want that, by any means. I'm just trying to figure out why he has this reaction towards me?  When all his family always told him that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  I never did anything to him, like his ex's did.
I catch myself spending too much time trying to figure this out... .so I guess that is another reason why I just wanted to send a letter saying goodbye, no ill-feelings and good luck.   
Is this a bad idea?  Has anyone had any good or bad experiences with sending a "closure letter"?

[michel71]

My 2 cents?

I'm codependent =

I have a nurotic belief that I can help others love me.
I have a nurotic belief I can fix other people.
I have a nurotic appetite to find people to fix.
I have a nurotic way of dismissing the obvious, (denial?)
I have a nurotic way of splitting so I can completely forget the abuse and stay even though I know it's pure insanity.
I have a nurotic sense of people pleasing. (Approval Sucking) and it's about control
I have a nurotic "god" complex. Thinking I have power to change others to suite my wishes.
I am an ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
I am repeating my relationship with my mother when I pick pw severe mental illness in some hope this time things will turn out the way I wanted them too.
My mother couldn't love me, my first wife was unable, my exgf surely cannot.
CPTSD and other factors also apply.

I'm a "hot mess" and I have a responsibility to fix myself now so I can be happy.

I realize true joy, happiness and contentment will never be found outside myself. No person, place or thing will fill my voids. I find my life in me, and my relationship with God.

Hope you feel better... .

You are my guru! That comes things up perfectly!

[earlyL]

Hi Roselee,

I don't know how helpful this will be, but I wrote a letter and then waited to see how I felt, and actually never sent it. In all honesty I am grateful I didn't send it. There wasn't anything wrong in it, but I reached a point where I felt that I didn't need to. Our situations are different, but maybe you could write it and then wait a week, read it over and see how you feel. I often find just by writing alone really helps me. You could post it online here as well if that helped - I have seen other people do that, although for me I don't think that would help.

In terms of his ex-wives, you don't really know how long it took after their break-ups to be on speaking terms again, although you may have discussed this. This might be the case in the long term for you both. Time is such an incredible changer, but I also know that is hard to remember. I feel I can only write this today because I am feeling more positive.

Good Luck, and let us know what you decide.

LW

[talks to angels]

I think writing the letter and not sending it is a good idea. Reason is that you have no idea how they will react. I felt like that too, its what healthy people do at the end of a relationship, but you have to remember you are not dealing with someone healthy. He could react in a way that makes you feel worse. Plus you are giving someone who is not healthy something in writing that they may twist and use against you.

[Roselee]

Good Advise!
 I did write the letter, had the envelope addressed and everything.

 I got distracted with other things, then accidentally, (but swear it seems someone was looking out for me) I came across a folded up piece of paper stuffed in my dresser. I had found several of these lately, because I couldn't keep my journal when with my exBPDbf because he would sear for it look through it.  So I would write, and then hide them in with my clothes. Anyway, this one was from last Valentine's Day. I remember it being bad... .but I guess I had forgotten the actual fear I was feeling, and how bad it really was.

I was describing the 12 hours of anger and screaming and accusing that was happening to me. Because he swore it looked like another dogs prints on my Living room carpet (?).  Then outside in the snow there were other animal prints (my neighbors dog)... .so, when he put the two together that of course meant I had some guy over with their dog. It all came flooding back to me... .how he was putting logs in the fireplace and grabbing a thick stick and smacking it in his other hand like a baton, and up over his shoulder and how I felt for sure he was going to hit me with it. Coming at me over and over the whole night and into the morning, while I was finally hiding in my bedroom, and him banging the door so hard it came off the hinges. Saying awful, hurtful things to me... .things that I could never even imagine someone being able to think of saying.

In my letter I stated how I couldn't take it any longer, and how it seemed to be happening weekly.

So, basically, my closure letter to him I filed in my journal, and it will stay there. I decided that the letter was for me, and that I did not owe him my closure anymore. I only owed it to myself. I think I'm learning I owe a lot to myself.

[ynwa]

closure only seems to work, if you are truly ready. It isn't about the other person at all. 

The best example for me is the guy with the signs from Love Actually. When he says "Enough, Enough Now".  Great scene, wonderful sentiment. But it was scripted, written. In our case, and I'm making assumptions here, closure for us probably includes a need for them to see us finally.  And I don't think we will find that in someone for BPD. Everything, I have read about this, is taking them out of the equation.  So, I guess what I am saying is that closure letter is for you.  Maybe even more than one of them.

Write it here even, but if you have any doubt that you might need to take back something, or say it different, you aren't in closure.

[talks to angels]

Roselee, I feel your pain, Im glad you feel good about your decision. I had to let go of the idea of closure as most. Its a day by day process. For me I realized that hearing an apology from him was what I felt I needed for closure, and when he would flip it all back on me, I felt worse. I think it is our ego that need to feel like we were valued as an individual person. It seem like for me healing was more about forgiving myself, for allowing somone else to use me. I was wasting so much healing time trying to figure out how I could forgive him.
Im glad you see you owe it to yourself!

[Roselee]

I have a bit of an update, and a question for anyone out there that may have experienced the same.

As per my previous postings, there has still been a link with my exBPDbf and my friends. He had been restoring a car for one of them. Long story short, they had finally been able to get in touch with him, (without my help, I'm very happy to say!) and get the damn car back.  They told me that when they saw him he is in a very paranoid state of mind. He truly believes that somehow I have put a track on his cell phone, because he has been receiving strange phone calls,(so therefore it must be my doing).  And that I have been trying to get into his house, and possible have been successful, and had been messing with his light bulbs, moving things, etc.

He had even accused one of them of possibly messing with his house, by downloading an "app". He told them he had contacted his Lawyer, and told him how he is in fear for his life, thinking I am plotting to do harm to him.  But then they said, that he also added, that he hasn't been thinking right sometimes. But continued to say bizaar things after that.

I was very sad hearing this news. I don't understand how he could possibly think I could do any of those things... .he of all people should know this.  Not to mention I am not one bit "tech savy".  I am constantly asking my kids how to do things on my phone. Does he not remember how "cell phone dumb" I am?  And unless you are working with the CIA, how the heck is it even possible to put a tracking device on a cell phone?

Of course, very sad indeed, that he felt the need to contact his Lawyer, whether that's true or not, who knows. I've never been even a little bit confrontational with him. And for him to have fear that I would harm him and make it look like he killed himself or was trying to... .is beyond my comprehension.  If anything, I should be the one who should be in fear of HIM.
I do feel strange and sad that now my friends have seen up close, something that I've tried to keep personal for myself, they are now privy to. Yes, they knew somethings prior, but not to the extent that it has gotten to. I wanted to try to process it myself before I could even explain to others who I know would not understand, and probably just look at as "crazy", and maybe even look at me as such as well for staying as long as I did.

I guess, I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced bazaar paranoia accusations like this from their BPD's.  Is it normal for them to get worse with things after a breakup?