Introduction

[Ozzy Aquafide]

Hello.

I've been in a horribly turbulent, confusing, frustrating marital relationship for 28 years. Have three grown daughters (almost 28, 26, 24) the middle one adopted at age six, now estranged. Thru Facebook, I came across a random article in July that listed 20 things narcissists do to manipulate you. The familiarity to my marital relationship was uncanny and that led me to descriptions of BPD which was even more familiar!

I am now in counseling and have been for a couple months now. (Forced myself to go because I was very suicidal.) Counselor understands and is good with (has done lots of research and dealt with borderlines over the years... .and has personal relationship with Robert Friedel, author of "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified". Naturally, due to the nature of the condition, my wife has no idea that we're discussing her probably being borderline. However, I have confidentially shared all the info I can with my daughters and suggested, highly, that they do their own research. Well, just found out from them this past Sunday that they apparently have not done much research, but have decided anyway that I am the aggressor in this marital relationship, that I have made up all of the info about BPD, and am maliciously trying to use it to cause my wife harm. Additionally, they think my doing self-care - (of which my counselor expressed is practically non-existent) by expressing, then acting upon, my intent to leave for awhile and come back when wife is calmed down - is causing more harm that good. They feel that letting my wife go on and on keeping us (either individually or sometimes as a group) captive for four or five hours is the right thing to do. "If we walk out, when we come back, it starts all over from the beginning again and we have to endure even longer," they say.

Okay, I'll stop there. That's my introduction and update as to what is my biggest concern right now... .whether or not my daughters are going to be on-board with this and deal with it as my counselor prescribes. (He's also great with family systems!) Because, ultimately, my primary fight is against 'this thing' that have kept my wife from ever knowing peace in her life. And, quite frankly, with or without my daughters being on-board, I believe it is my duty to fight as hard as I can for my wife's well-being. (I'm obviously the only one in the family that sees the TRUTH of this thing, but thankfully I do have support around me... .both locally and now online.

Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi Ozzy,



First off, it's great to hear that you realized and acted on the need for finding a professional to help guide you in a time of need!  Your story is a very familiar one here, and one that resonates with me as my sisters have turned a blind eye to my own mothers obvious PD issues. 
I'd say you are on the right course in learning tactics that begin to look out after your best interests.  After all, what good can you be to her if you are so worn down that you don't even know which way is up? 
Dealing with a loved one with BPD is very mentally, emotionally and physically draining. 
To the right of this board you will note some basic tools and some lessons you will find valuable in your journey.  Many here have learned that you cannot change your person with BPD (pwBPD), but we can regulate how we react to and communicate with them.  Combining a good working understanding of the illness with the tools and communication techniques you will find here can certainly help improve your circumstances. 
Do your daughters at least recognize that what you all are dealing with is not "normal"?
Would your wife be open to counseling?... .I don't suggest you mentioning BPD... .more along the lines of "hey, this therapist can probably help us with our communication type approach"... .
You've found the right place for knowledge, understanding, and sharing.  I found sharing here to be very therapeutic, and I saw that the more I shared, the more I got in return.  So feel free to share any thoughts, feeling or questions anytime!  We are here.