Am I damaged goods?

[Simone]

Hi  My husband has referred to me as a couple times as "damaged goods."  I don't like the label or the stigma because HE is insensitive. He has the problem of not being able to understand me. I have been hurt by a previous marriage. Without going into details, I was married for nearly ten years to an abusive alcoholic. I will not be called names. He has hurt me as well by saying this. The expression is that "the tongue is mightier than the sword." I have suffered enough in my life from many harmful things that have happened to me or a family member. I didn't like his attitude so I decided to call him a name to reflect on my feelings about him. We have been married a long time but I feel the name calling is immature and has been harmful.  I only called him a name after he called me one. This is a rare occurrence in my marriage, the name calling. What do you suggest?

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[Kwamina]

Hi Simone

I agree that the name-calling probably isn't contributing to the long-term health and stability of your relationship. I do understand that it hurts you when your husband refers to you as damaged goods. Have you told him how this label makes you feel and why you don't like being called this way, especially after your previous marriage to an abusive husband?

Are there perhaps also other difficulties you are experiencing in your marriage? Perhaps other instances in which you feel your husband is being insensitive?

Take care

[Lockjaw]

If he is BPD, you will feel like damaged goods... .at least I do. I can sure relate to that feeling, as well as you saying how a previous marriage hurt you. That is also my case.

[livednlearned]

Hi Simone,

Do you think your husband might be projecting how he feels about himself onto you when he calls you damaged goods?

Projection allows people with poor coping skills to process feelings from a safe distance. If he can externalize how he feels about himself onto you, then he can release some of the tension he feels without addressing his own internal turmoil directly.

Understanding this can help depersonalize the attacks.

Patricia Evans has a book about stopping verbal abuse. I used some of her suggestions to deal with my son's father (uBPD/bipolar + alcoholic) and to my surprise, they were effective. When he called me names, I would hold up my hand and calmly but firmly say Stop or No, and keep repeating it until he stopped. He would sometimes scowl and mutter and turn away, only to come back and I would repeat it again.

Do you think something like that might work in your situation?

[Hisaccount]

My ex said she was often called damaged goods, or that she was picked up on the scratch and dent aisle.

There is no excuse for this. There are certain lines in a relationship that should not be crossed.
He needs to learn this before he does drag you down to his level.
You are better than that. Don't stoop to his level.

There is nothing wrong with you. He needs to learn love and acceptance if that is possible for him.
All you can do is try to help communication by explaining how he is hurting you. It is up to him to respect that.