How do you consistently validate without being a robot or being awkward?

[Philingood2]

So for a few days now my uBPDw has been seemingly grasping at straws to justify whatever internal turmoil she has going on. It started with her asking me why I haven't been trying to have sex with her. Keep in mind she's now 8 months pregnant and has been weird about sex the entire pregnancy. If I do come on to her, she's not feeling well or tired (understandable). If I try to respect that she understandably not be interested in sex due to her present condition by validating how she says she feels and not pushing the issue, well, then I don't find her attractive. Per the usual, there's no winning. So she started with this usual dynamic a few days ago. It got more intense during my work Christmas party. She's always struggled with the fact that I work with mostly women. During the party, she sent me a few non-urgent texts. I didn't respond immediately because I was engaged in events and didn't see she had text, but responded fairly promptly. Later in the night, I was talking to her about the party (she constantly makes a big deal about feeling like I don't include her in my work life) and almost immediately after I told her about something funny someone had said, her entire disposition changed, she got quiet, and left the room. She eventually returned and I asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about, as she seemed upset. She first said no, but then responded that I hadn't been very affectionate and it was upsetting her. I did my best to not get sucked in and tried to validate how she was feeling. I also told her "I may not always understand you, but I'm trying because I love you. Thanks for being patient with me." She started back tracking and shifted to talking about how she was just under a lot of pressure due to the pregnancy and how it helps when I talk to her throughout the day and apologized if she had "confused me". However, throughout the past few days it's been more of the same picking at any little thing I do to try to get something started.

My question is how do I keep saying "It sounds like you're feeling ____" or "I can see how you would feel ______" or "that seems ______" without it getting weird?

It's been effective in keeping things from escalating, but it's getting pretty awkward. When I don't feed in she gets apologetic and almost seems embarrassed because she's clearly not making a whole lot of sense and is the one that's upset, though she doesn't seem to want to own any of what is going on with her. Any thoughts on how to move things forward? Or should I just maintain what I'm doing and leave that to her?

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Philingood2   

The information below on levels of validation might be helpful for you.  Minimally, don't invalidate (by words or expressions).  Perhaps, it might be less exhausting by varying your degree of validation.  Sometimes, just not invalidating, other times perhaps use first level validation with some positive nonverbal cues. 

Level One
Overall show interest in the other person (through verbal, nonverbal cues), show that you are paying attention (nodding, eye contact, etc.) Ask questions - "What then?" Give prompts - "Tell me more," "Uh-huh."

Level Two
Use accurate reflection - "So you're frustrated because you son hasn't picked up his room." Summarize what the person is sharing, then ask - "Is that right?" Take a nonjudgmental stance toward the person, be matter-of-fact, have an "of course" attitude.

Example: "My therapist doesn't like me."
Validation: "You are feeling really certain she hates you." Note that you don't have to actually agree with the person about their perceptions.

Level Three
Try to "read" a person's behavior, imagine what they could be feeling, thinking or wishing for. It feels good when someone takes the time to think about our life experiences. Remember to check for accuracy. It is best to not make assumptions.

Level Four
Validate the person's behavior in terms of causes like past events present events even when it may be triggered based on dysfunctional association. 

*Validate feelings like, "Since your new boss reminds you of your last one, I can see why you'd be scared to meet with her," or "Since you have had panic attacks on the bus, you're scared to ride one now."

Level Five
Communicate that the person's behavior is reasonable, meaningful, effective.
*Validate feelings like, "It seems very normal to be nervous before a job interview - that sure makes sense to me," or "It sounds like you were very clear and direct with your doctor."

Level Six
Treat the person as valid - not patronizing or condescending.
Recognize the person as they are with strengths and limitations.
Give the person equal status, equal respect.
Be genuine with the person about your reactions to them and about yourself.
Believe in the other person while seeing their struggles and pain. 

[waverider]

Dont think you have to resolve issues, that can put them under pressure when they they dont understand the feeling themselves.

Showing interest and asking questions is often enough, they just want to be noticed and heard.

The initial trigger was simply feeling unattractive, pregnant women can often be sensitive about this BPD or not.

"I can see" and "I understand" can be invalidating as often they are trying to explain that you dont, and especialy if they dont understand themselves. "I hear what you are saying" is often safer and "I notice X affects you". These avoid jumping to a conclusion, or at least the perception of it.

As NN points out, the benefit of understanding validation principles is that it helps you avoid inadvertent invalidating them. If you can curtail that you are half way there and positive validation can be used sparingly to avoid the "wooden" aspect, which in itself can be patronizing and invalidating, especially if it is in contrast to your usual personality.

positive validation works best if it is worked in as an evolution not a revolution.

[Philingood2]

Thanks NN and Waverider. I think part of the awkwardness is the fact that I'm practicing something new. This is the longest stent of her digging for a fight since I've been practicing validation. Also, up to this point she was opening up more (seemingly because the increased validation), but recently she's been sort of just not escalating and shutting down. With all of that said, she isn't really offering much to the conversation other than her perceptions of what I am or aren't to/for, which she sees as the issue. I think I'm going to try to back off of the validation stuff a bit and focus on not being invalidating to the best of my ability.

Also, I've been keeping the drama triangle in mind during all of this. She seems determined to maintain a victim role, which I feel is driving a lot of this, and I'm just doing my best to not get sucked into persecutor or rescuer. Earlier today I sent her a random text after she had been trying to bait me all morning that said "Remember when we started this life together? Even if we knew everything then what we know now ... .i'd do it all over again." She responded " I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm sorry I'm more clingy than you expected me to be." I said "I want all of you forever." Anyway, sorry for the play by play, but the point is I was trying to break out of the drama dynamic all together by saying something nice and encouraging (that was also genuine). It seemed to be effective even though my goal wasn't to "fix" it. I guess I'm just trying to not play the game at all. Hope that makes sense. Thanks for the feedback.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Philingood2:   

Earlier today I sent her a random text after she had been trying to bait me all morning that said "Remember when we started this life together? Even if we knew everything then what we know now ... .i'd do it all over again." She responded " I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm sorry I'm more clingy than you expected me to be." I said "I want all of you forever." Anyway, sorry for the play by play, but the point is I was trying to break out of the drama dynamic all together by saying something nice and encouraging (that was also genuine). It seemed to be effective even though my goal wasn't to "fix" it. I guess I'm just trying to not play the game at all. Hope that makes sense.

Sounds like you charmed her with the text.  It can make it hard for her to successfully instigate a fight, if you don't take the bait.

Best wishes with your efforts.  You are doing a good job!   

[Jessica84]

It can be easy to sound like a parrot ("I am sad that my sister doesn't call me" --> "You are sad that your sister doesn't call you". Parroting can sound like mocking, which would be invalidating.

It can also be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that a validation phrase that worked well once will work again later with the same effect. One of my go-to phrases is "that must be frustrating" or "I'd feel frustrated by that too". Said too often, it can lose its sincerity. So I alter it from time to time with: "Well that blows" or  "How frustrating!" or "that would upset me too". The English language is generous - gives us plenty different ways to say the exact same thing.

[waverider]

Keep in mind that validation is just good oil, it makes the relationship cogs turn more smoothly but it doesn't fix a broken cog. So you add a bit and if it doesn't ease the problem you leave it at that, not much point trying to add too much you just flood it and make a mess.