Intro

[RainRain]

I just joined these forums. My younger sister displays many of the traits of BPD. We are both in our late thirties. We grew up with an abusive father, who I suspect has a personality disorder as well. I have very limited contact with him now. When I first heard the phrase "walking on eggshells" in reference to families with a personality-disordered individual, I thought wow, that really accurately describes the environment in which I grew up. I have had my own struggles with keeping good mental health, but I feel like I've developed a good toolbox for coping with my issues.

My sister is very different. She has been to therapists at different times in her life, and seems interested in improving, but then nothing changes. I would say that things have gotten worse in the past few years. I have always felt that there is not enough space for me in our relationship; most of our interactions are taken up with talking about her emotions. We lived together for a few years recently, and it was totally exhausting for me. I felt like whenever I got home, she would have to recount every single feeling she had that day to me. Often this would end in her blowing up at me for some perceived slight--often it had something to do with a face I made when she was talking. Something very tiny like that would suddenly become the most important thing that happened that day.

My sister idolizes me and completely relies on my validation of her actions. She's almost completely unable to make a decision on her own. She tries to involve me in all of her decisions and actions. She absolutely abhors being alone, since we were little children, but fails spectacularly at maintaining intimate relationships. She has tons of friends whom she is always talking or chatting with, but she constantly complains that no one cares about her, that she has no friends and is completely alone.

I joined here because I am having a harder and harder time being sympathetic to her reality. I understand that I can't change her. She lives far away from me now, but we are still close as we have always been, and the patterns of her behavior haven't changed. Sometimes I feel they have gotten worse. But more importantly, because this is why I'm here, I don't feel like I can keep doing what I've always done: listen to her, support her, absorb her abuse and try not to be too affected. I'm very tired of my role, and I want it to change. I don't want her to rely on me as much as she does. I feel suffocated by it. She is my sister and I love her, but I don't want to live with being exhausted on a regular basis.

[drained1996]

Hi RainRain,



Nice username... .unfortunately we all know we can't just make it go away, which of course... .is why you find yourself here.  You've found a place full of knowledge, understanding and sharing.  It's very healthy that you have an understanding that you cannot change her, as that is up to her alone.  You do have the ability to change how you react to and communicate with her, which can make a difference!  At the top of this page you will see a tools drop down, it can act as a guide to help you better navigate within this relationship with your sister so that YOU feel better about things.  Also take note of the lessons on the right side of this page, definitely some helpful knowledge and tools there as well.  You bring up validation which is a good topic to grasp when dealing with a person with traits of BPD.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
Another topic that will help you along the way is setting boundaries and limits.  Here is a good link for that:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
If you'll look around at the stories of others you will find  you are far from alone in  your struggles.  Many members have or are walking your same path.  Feel free to post any questions, thoughts or feelings anytime.  We are here