Opposites and birds of a feather

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was talking to my T today about my ex and his difficult and weird childhood. I had a difficult and weird childhood myself, and I was saying how I was attracted to him partly because I enjoyed hearing about his experiences. I mean, I was very sad for him, but it was objectively interesting to me as well. I described to my T his resilience, and the strength he showed in coping, and how (until I realized how untrue this was) I felt he had a naturally optimistic attitude--a sense of fun and an ability to enjoy life in spite of everything, whereas I'm a depressive and a worrier and a caretaker type.

Anyhow, she talked about those two truism, which seem to be contradictory:

1. Opposites attract.
2. Birds of a feather flock together.

She said she sees it working like this: people flock to those who have similar problems, and then they are attracted to the ones who seem to have developed different responses to them. It's like, you want someone who will understand you and then offer you some new possibilities.

Does that ring a bell with anyone? It seemed pretty spot on to me.

[steelwork]

I was talking to my T today about my ex and his difficult and weird childhood. I had a difficult and weird childhood myself, and I was saying how I was attracted to him partly because I enjoyed hearing about his experiences. I mean, I was very sad for him, but it was objectively interesting to me as well. I described to my T his resilience, and the strength he showed in coping, and how (until I realized how untrue this was) I felt he had a naturally optimistic attitude--a sense of fun and an ability to enjoy life in spite of everything, whereas I'm a depressive and a worrier and a caretaker type.

Anyhow, she talked about those two truism, which seem to be contradictory:

1. Opposites attract.
2. Birds of a feather flock together.

She said she sees it working like this: people flock to those who have similar problems, and then they are attracted to the ones who seem to have developed different responses to them. It's like, you want someone who will understand you and then offer you some new possibilities.

Does that ring a bell with anyone? It seemed pretty spot on to me.

[SoMadSoSad]

Well they do say BPD and codependents have similar childhood traumas just different coping strategies. I believe i read that somewhere.

[Pretty Woman]

I do believe in the whole birds of a feather concept. If I didn't have abandonment issues I wouldn't have stayed with my ex.

I was tested for BPD and I do have traits. I think a lot of us have traits of different things... .there's no cookie cutter standard.

The difference between myself and my ex is I do have empathy. I am extremely empathetic. I am the child of a BPD. My mom and aunt are identical twins and both very cold and dismissive. I found in my relationship which was a same-sex union, I was looking for the validation from my ex that I did not get from my mother. What I got was abandoned over and over again. It was a replay of my childhood and only activated feelings of worthlessness in me.

The best thing that happened was my ex going NC. That allowed me to focus on myself. I made many changes, some drastic, like cutting out people who were hurting me.

There were seven people I had to let go of in 2016. Every single one pushed-pulled me and would silent-treatment me as a form of "punishment".

Do I miss the good parts of these people, the good times I remember? Of course, I am human, but I am much healthier and happier without them. I really think I've grown a lot over the past few years, much due in part to this website, seeing I was not alone and then working on myself and my own self-esteem.

[steelwork]

I guess what I'm saying--what jumped out about this that was helpful--was that it's another way of looking at the tension between same and different. It's like, I was looking for someone who would understand where I was coming from but who had broken free. (Oh the irony.)

This is a very different way of looking at it than the very common "wounded bird/codependent" dynamic that's discussed on these boards so much. I think that's where we ended up, but it wasn't where we started. At least in my case.

Both things can be true--or parts of both things. But the idea that I was attracted to him as his caretaker never seemed quite adequate to me.

[Pretty Woman]

I don't think you were attracted to him as a caregiver.

I think the relationship evolves in a way that is what the end result is. I certainly did not go into a romantic relationship wanting to date my mother.
Yuck. .

But with all the push pull and emotional meltdowns (on her part) we went from being lovers, to friends to me holding her together, to me doing everything in my power to "help" her, walking on eggshells so she would not leave me... .again... .to me eventually resenting her for all the crap she put me through and her discarding me for a replacement. NC 2yrs.

It just evolved that way. It wasn't forced.

I get what you are saying though. This was my personal experience.

[Julia S]

In my own experience, no.
Any BPD or similar people I have been involved with in any way, the attraction has been shared interests and the way they appeared to the world. They have seemed to be popular, with mutual friends, and I had no reason to expect anything was wrong till I became a bit closer than those friends. Once I knew what they really were, I could walk away without looking back.
The exception (in terms of not being able to detach so easily) is the recent friend who I'm sure has BPD (the others had slightly different problems). I could see he was very shy and scared of rejection and being hurt or let down, but it was in a quiet gentle way. We were drawn together by a mutual interest in something which is the focus of his life, and then various other things in common, and the fact I think we had a genuine mutual physical attraction. When I thought his problems were comparatively slight, that didn't worry me because I have some experience in CBT etc and I thought I could help him with them - though I don't feel the need to help people and wouldn't choose to get close to someone knowing I would be their caregiver. I could empathise with his problems because I naturally am empathic, and at a low level we can all identify with feelings of shyness, lack of confidence etc.
However, he described the two major relationships he'd had in the past, and thinking about that now at least one partner sounds similar and maybe co-dependent. The other might well have been.