The stuff he left behind

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So... .when I kicked my ex out of my house, we didn't have an agreement in any way that he lived with me. In fact, that was one of the final straws for me... .he was homeless and staying with me, even though I'd asked him a million times to leave and find somewhere else to sleep. He has since flipped this into a story of me not being able to commit, not having empathy, etc. But that's another post.

When he left, he took a bunch of his stuff, but left a bunch too. I put some of it in a storage unit for him and sent him info on how to get into the unit. He cleared it out, but left some junk in the hallway for the storage staff to clean up (and fine me for). I'm not really feeling inclined to put the rest of his stuff in the storage because I imagine it'll lead to a similar situation, and honestly I can't afford to put any more money into this "relationship."

He has contacted me wanting some of his stuff--Christmas decorations to be specific. But not the rest now. And he wants me to drive 4 hours roundtrip to bring him the Christmas stuff (um, NO) or pay to have it shipped to him (also NO).

What I'm trying to figure out what to do is how to get these last artifacts of him out of my life, without him coming to my house or being able to accuse me of theft or anything. Can I just throw it away? There is no friends, family, or anyone who will take his stuff. It's about 8 large boxes worth of things.

Having it there is like a constant reminder of him and I feel like it's really triggering me to want to contact him, or do something nice for him, when really I can't and shouldn't do any of those things. I also don't want to see him because I'm afraid to. He's been out of control with his anger since the break up.

Has anyone been through something like this and what did you do?

[BlueLime]

So... .when I kicked my ex out of my house, we didn't have an agreement in any way that he lived with me. In fact, that was one of the final straws for me... .he was homeless and staying with me, even though I'd asked him a million times to leave and find somewhere else to sleep. He has since flipped this into a story of me not being able to commit, not having empathy, etc. But that's another post.

When he left, he took a bunch of his stuff, but left a bunch too. I put some of it in a storage unit for him and sent him info on how to get into the unit. He cleared it out, but left some junk in the hallway for the storage staff to clean up (and fine me for). I'm not really feeling inclined to put the rest of his stuff in the storage because I imagine it'll lead to a similar situation, and honestly I can't afford to put any more money into this "relationship."

He has contacted me wanting some of his stuff--Christmas decorations to be specific. But not the rest now. And he wants me to drive 4 hours roundtrip to bring him the Christmas stuff (um, NO) or pay to have it shipped to him (also NO).

What I'm trying to figure out what to do is how to get these last artifacts of him out of my life, without him coming to my house or being able to accuse me of theft or anything. Can I just throw it away? There is no friends, family, or anyone who will take his stuff. It's about 8 large boxes worth of things.

Having it there is like a constant reminder of him and I feel like it's really triggering me to want to contact him, or do something nice for him, when really I can't and shouldn't do any of those things. I also don't want to see him because I'm afraid to. He's been out of control with his anger since the break up.

Has anyone been through something like this and what did you do?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi BlueLime-

Has anyone been through something like this and what did you do?

I didn't go through that with my ex but I've been through it with other people before.  Stuff.  Stuff can be a pain.

Having it there is like a constant reminder of him and I feel like it's really triggering me to want to contact him, or do something nice for him, when really I can't and shouldn't do any of those things. I also don't want to see him because I'm afraid to. He's been out of control with his anger since the break up.

So there's your main focus, and good for you for identifying it.  Having my ex's stuff would have been triggering for me too, and part of detachment, maybe the biggest part, is taking our power back, and since it's his stuff and he wants it, that puts you in control, so you can set the terms.  One tack might be to tell him either he send you the shipping costs by X date and you'll ship it, or you're going to throw the stuff away; either way the stuff leaves, which is the point, and you'll likely be able to live with either choice, so it's no-lose for you.  And under no circumstances can he come and get it.  Those are the terms.

There's an acronym around here, BIFF, which is handy when dealing with borderlines, and it's Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm, which is a communication method to minimize the emotional content of any communication.  So in this case, briefly state the terms clearly and in a friendly way, firmly to there's no wiggle room, and don't talk about yourself or emotions at all.  Takes some practice, and sounds like you don't want any more practice with him about anything, but if you stay strictly business you'll likely be fine.

Good luck, let us know how it goes, and take care of you!

[BlueLime]

I still feel like I'm in this circus, where every move is dangerous, and I have to step SO carefully.

I sent him a letter and email giving him 30 day notice to choose one of three options to get his stuff: Send me money to ship, arrange with is sister to pick it up, or pick it up from the storage unit that I could give him access to, but only if he pays for the storage unit and is responsible for any fines that he earns by making a mess there. I included that in 30 days I'll donate his stuff, and that he is not welcome at my house--if he comes here I will call the police.

He responded with more arguments that I should BRING HIS STUFF TO HIM 2 hours away from me, or option 4: He calls the police and meets them at my house to get his stuff.

Unbelievable. I emailed back that this isn't negotiable. He's been calling me from various phone numbers now (because I have blocked him on the numbers I know) leaving me messages threatening the police. Since I will call them if he shows up here anyway, so that'll just save me a phone call.

The voice mails from him have degraded into accusations that someone is putting me up to all of this. I just want to complete this step so I can try to heal and move on.  I guess I've done what I can around his stuff for now, but it's really difficult to not lower myself to his level and start taking a hammer to it.

[Fie]

He is using his stuff being at your place to still be able to control you.
My BPDex did the same.

It's up to you how much more you are willing to take. If you ask me, you did more of your share already.

Before my ex left, I told him to take all of his things with him. He didn't. He left part of it and told me he would pick it up later (didn't say when).
So I took everything and threw it out. As you pointed out also, it was triggering me big time.
When he started to email and call me about the stuff, I told him everything was gone.

His answer to that was : ok, but I will pass by anyway. So we can talk a bit.

My answer ? If I ever see you on my doorstep again, I am calling the police immediately.

End of story.

You broke up. Why would you still want to be controlled by him ? You are free now. It's his choice to not have taken his stuff with him. Legally it could be considered yours now. Dump it. Unless deep down you want to meet him again. But then it could be a good idea to get aware of this dynamics... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I just want to complete this step so I can try to heal and move on.

And there's the goal, and I agree with Fie that part of why he's doing all of that, the main part, is to retain an attachment with you; borderlines are all about attachments.  And good for you for setting the limits you have, and getting all of it behind you, the easiest way possible, it the best focus.  Brand new year coming up, a great time to start fresh!  Please keep us posted, and take care of you!

[Tobiasfunke]

Throw that effing 5hit out and get a restraining order and a pistol permit.  Ef the that dude.

Yes please have him call the police and have them escort him 2 hours for his Xmas decorations.  We all have a soft spot for our ex's. I fear mine will screw up the kids. Or maybe I will, since I cannot speak to their mother since I resent her so much. Regret the situation I am in now. But from where I'm standing you should trust your instincts. He sounds volatile.  Send him the Xmas stuff I guess with a note about the restraining order.
 
Stay safe. His feelings are not worth your safety.     

[Turkish]

What you've done sounds like what any reasonable person would have done.  Additionally,  you've documented it. 

It's triangulation to involve his sister,  but not all triangulation is bad.  What is your r/s with her,  and can you arrange something with her to get it out of your home quickly?

The overall goal here is to detach,  physically at this point.  Maybe an RO would be necessary at some point,  maybe not, but it's escalation. ROs can also be just worth the paper they're printed upon.  If you feel the situation warrants it,  I'd call a local DV line for guidance.  They deal with similar situations a lot. 

You've made your boundaries clear,  and they're documented. Walking those back invites further boundary busting at this point.  It's time for BIFF (Brief,  Informative, Friendly, Firm) at this point.  Back and forth communication is likely to inflame. Can you work it out with his sister with minimal drama?

[JRT]

Mine abandoned a LOT of stuff at my house... .I went through get pains to communicate to her in a roundabout manner (she blocked me from contact) and great lengths to offer it to her including putting it in a storage locker with instructions on how to retrieve it... .much of it was family keepsake sort of stuff that was invaluable and irreplaceable. Long story short; despite multiple efforts she never came to collect it.

I always thought it odd that she did not have much in the way of property and possessions for a 45 year old woman who earned decently. I imagine that the above scenario played itself out many times; she took what she could and abandoned the rest. No matter how important or valuable. 

[BlueLime]

I want to say that I'm SO HAPPY to have found this community. Thank you everyone.

He's been emailing me that it was illegal for me to threaten to throw out his stuff, and that it was illegal for me to put some of his things in a storage unit. He says he'll be calling the police to escort him here. I think this is supposed to scare me, but since I'd be calling the police anyway I suppose it's all good. My biggest fear is that he shows up unannounced.

Since I set these boundaries with three ways for him to get his stuff, and he wants a different choice (coming here himself and picking his stuff up) I'm wondering if that is letting him step past my boundaries yet again and "win," or if it's a way for me to actually just get what I want, which is his stuff and him out of my life.

As scared of him as I am, I still want to be the nice person. I'm just very soft like that.

[Turkish]

Is he legally tied to your domicile? You aren't required to let him in the door. Do you have any big scary friends who can be there for you? I'd stick to the sister option. You ARE being nice.

It might help to call a local DV line (they are anonymous) and they can lay out options. You could also do a free consult with a lawyer to know exactly what your legal responsibilities lie.

[Fie]

You are in the middle of it, and overwhelmed.
I still remember how I felt when he texted me the whole time, saying he was going to turn up at my doorstep. I was terrified.
This is how stalking victims feel.
You have been nice enough towards him, now it's time to be nice towards yourself. These are the things I would do if I were you (yes, I am I think also a nice person, but enough is enough)
1. throw out his stuff. No choices to choose from, no sister option. It has lasted long enough
2. If he contacts you again, you can tell him you will press charges for stalking. This worked like a charm for my ex. He *never* contacted me again.

I am a legal adviser, and I can tell you that his legal options are very limited. He did not pick up his stuff. Hence, it's not his stuff anymore. If you really, really want to be sure, you can send him an email saying that you are willing to wait f.e. two more days, and that then you will throw it out.
And please don't let yourself be fooled (yes, fooled) by his so called police threats. The police can legally do *nothing* towards you when it comes to things like that. If he wants to claim his stuff legally, he needs to go to court. Only a judge can order you to give back the stuff, not the police. (And a judge will never do that, believe me) ('checks and balances'