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[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi.  I've been with my gfwBPD for 2 years now.  We've been living together for 6 months.  All the time we were just dating she was able to hide most of her behaviours, that or I just didn't notice them enough.  But living with her is hard work.  Reading through here, I get it easy with her compared to many others, but it's still so hard.  I'm now at the stage where I find myself wondering how much longer I can cope with being in this relationship.  

[Azrimic]

Hi.  I've been with my gfwBPD for 2 years now.  We've been living together for 6 months.  All the time we were just dating she was able to hide most of her behaviours, that or I just didn't notice them enough.  But living with her is hard work.  Reading through here, I get it easy with her compared to many others, but it's still so hard.  I'm now at the stage where I find myself wondering how much longer I can cope with being in this relationship.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi Azrimic,



Sorry to hear about your tough circumstances, as you begin to read other's stories you will see that it's a common theme around here. 
One thing many of us learned the hard way is that we cannot change our person with BPD (pwBPD), but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that are a valuable resource in helping you better manage your situation. 
Has your girlfriend been to therapy... .or is she open to going?  I wouldn't suggest bringing up BPD or anything like that... .more along the lines of using it to help better the communication in the relationship.  Think she might go?
What types of things are the most common that you are struggling with?
You've found the right place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  Feel free to post any thoughts, feelings or questions.  We are here.   

[Azrimic]

She has been to therapy, several times, and goes to check in with her "nutty nurse" (her words, not mine) about once a month, more if she needs it.  There are no worries bringing up her BPD - she was diagnosed 7 years ago (she's 37) and she brings it up all the time - "that's because of my BPD", "it's my BPD that makes me do that", etc.

I can cope with the "you're going to leave me aren't you" every 5 minutes.  When I started my new job recently (working with juvenile psychiatric patients in a secure forensic unit) she was convinced I'd leave her because I wouldn't be able to cope with BPD in both my home and work life.  She works full time and holds a position of authority.

The bits I find really hard are that she is getting progressively more clingy, she shouts at and about my kids for anything (17 and 18) and her sex drive is through the roof - she regularly gets ratty with me for not being in the mood and constantly drops hints that she wants it, every day.  It doesn't sound like much but it's constant.  I'm the kind of person who needs a LOT of space and I made that very clear from the start.  She was adamant that she was ok with that, even stating repeatedly that she was the same and, to start with, she was brilliant.  The other thing that drives me absolutely nuts are the lies.  All the time.  Every day.  Some big, mostly small.  So ridiculously small that they're pointless (eg, something the cat did while I was at work).  It has got to the point that I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

[hope81]

Hi,

I can relate your post 100%, my partner was like a different person when I moved in with her as she couldn't hide her whole self any longer.

The main thing to ensure is she is in therapy and you take care of yourself, it's so important you don't lose yourself and stay true to yourself otherwise you will go downhill. Set your own boundaries and follow through with them.

Being clingy and the sex is most likely her fearing you will or are thinking of leaving, she wants to feel close to you.

[Azrimic]

Her therapy was for a set period and has now ended.  As for the sex, I am going through the most stressful time of my life to date (I'm 42) and have zero sex drive.  I cannot magic the desire out of thin air. 

I do love her, but the relationship feels like hard work the majority of the time.  I dread coming home when we're together because I never know if something will set her off once we get through the front door.  Reading posts and threads on here is actually making me feel more like leaving her, because there doesn't seem to be many positive outcomes.

[drained1996]

that's because of my BPD", "it's my BPD that makes me do that

This is a common theme I've seen here with known diagnosed BPD's, they use the illness as an excuse for their actions.  Inevitably, the illness makes them feel bad.  It's up to them to recognize when they feel bad and control their reactions to those bad feelings.  Maybe during a time of calm you can have that discussion with her... .empathizing and understanding that you know she indeed has feelings that cause her great stress and grief, but that ultimately how she reacts to those feelings is her responsibility.  It would be a touchy topic... .especially if she starts to become dysregulated, but it may be a good place to start with some boundaries... .not allowing her to blame her actions on her feelings. 
Do you think she may be open to such dialogue? 

[hope81]

It's also a common a theme with people un-diagnosed but instead the excuse is other people/events pushing them to such actions, but the reality is it comes from within.

[Swhitey]

Azrimic, I think I know what you mean. I'll share my experience with you: The moment I moved in with my upwBPD the game changed, significantly. Suddenly I am responsible for her social needs, domestic needs, finacial needs. I had no Idea about BPD and I found myself losing control and reacting defensively to everything, trying to get some empathy or sympathy from hewr to see things a little differently. Nothing was her fault and I had to keep making changes and promises that ultimately I could not keep.  I'm still holding out on hope tho... .

It is a difficult road to follow if you choose to stay, it all comes down to what you are willing to take and when you've had enough. I can't stress the importance of selfcare. I found out one can easily lose themselves while caring about someone with BPD traits. Whatever you decide to do you do have support and I wish for you peace and happiness

Well said hope81, this is difficult to deal with:
"It's also a common a theme with people un-diagnosed but instead the excuse is other people/events pushing them to such actions, but the reality is it comes from within."