feeling compassion but not feeling better

[caughtnreleased]

I've recently been feeling so much compassion for my BPDex.  He did a lot of things that were extremely hurtful, like discard, dismissing, replacing, cheating, lying.  Mostly I think the discard was what I had enormous amount of trouble with, because our bond was so incredibly powerful. It felt like one of the most meaningful bonds I've ever had with someone, and yet he tossed me out in such a horribly painful way that it tore me apart. I've been rebuilding for years.

More recently though I've started to feel immense compassion for him and his pain, which he was very honest with me about. At first I was really frightened by many things he said to me, but now that I have known him for a much longer period, I really only see someone who is in deep anguish and clearly suffering from some kind of trauma.  I don't know if he is receiving help but he told me he wasn't - although I don't ever really believe anything he says which is why I don't know. He is angry with me for having suggested he get treatment.

I wish I could express and show him my compassion, but it's extremely difficult to do so.  He really does push me away in so many ways, mostly by inflicting hurtful comparisons with the replacement, at which point I have to dive for cover and protect myself for a while. I would have thought that feeling more compassion for him would help me but I feel even more sad that I can't really share/show this compassion I have for him.  Perhaps he doesn't want it. In a way I feel like my compassion would cause him a great deal of pain somehow, but I don't know. Every interaction I have with him is the most invalidating experience in the world. It's incredibly difficult to interact with someone who suffers so much pain, trauma, and anger and yet who doesn't seem to want to get treatment... .this makes me incredibly sad. How does one stop feeling so much sadness for someone we care about? I should "move on", "detach", etc. At every step of this process it feels like I deal with something new. Do I want to be indifferent to his suffering? I don't think so. At the same time I'm not always able to help him when he needs it/wants it as I suffer from my own engulfment feelings so when he does come towards me (which is extremely rare and hasn't happened in a long time) I feel panic. Perhaps he is a bit better adjusted than I am for actually giving up on me... .I don't know why I can't do the same  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey C'nR Your capacity for compassion is admirable, yet I wonder if it may be misplaced with someone who "did a lot of things that were extremely hurtful, like discard, dismissing, replacing, cheating, lying."  Perhaps you are barking up the wrong tree?  I don't mean to minimize your pain.

LuckyJim

[Julia S]

I understand completely.

It simply does not feel right to hate or cast out someone who is ill.

Are there ways you could make little gestures from a distance? An occasional postcard? Things that do not require or make you expect a reply.

I sometimes send spiritual healing or pray. If the connection we feel is real, it will likely be received.

[caughtnreleased]

Hey C'nR Your capacity for compassion is admirable, yet I wonder if it may be misplaced with someone who "did a lot of things that were extremely hurtful, like discard, dismissing, replacing, cheating, lying."  Perhaps you are barking up the wrong tree?  I don't mean to minimize your pain.

LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim... .well it took me a long time to get here, and I didn't really get here on purpose. My aim was to move on to other things for a long time, until I realized that I needed to acknowledge the depth of my own feelings for him, and from there a great deal of compassion has come out of it.  Despite all these destructive things that he did, there was a flip side... .He was, despite being a liar, also brutally honest about himself with me, and very vulnerable. His intention was to be kind, and at times he was very kind, gentle, funny and understanding. I was in fact able to discuss a lot of these things with him and so many times as I spoke I saw so much pain in his eyes, even though he tried to hide it. I would even go so far to say that he gave me a certain kind of closure... .after all the discards.

I see the hurt that he inflicted on me as merely crumbs of the pain that he himself lives with on a regular basis. To me he is someone who is living with a lot of trauma.  I actually don't think he set out to purposely hurt me. He felt abandoned by me when I distanced myself and that set him off into a really self destructive cycle unfortunately, and in that came the discard and all the other ugly things.  Deep inside me, despite everything I actually do feel that I meant (mean?) a lot to him. I think he is someone who does a lot to sabotage relationships with those who are close to him. I understand and see his suffering. I'm not sure what well-placed compassion would look like as opposed to misplaced compassion.

[caughtnreleased]

I understand completely.

It simply does not feel right to hate or cast out someone who is ill.

Are there ways you could make little gestures from a distance? An occasional postcard? Things that do not require or make you expect a reply.

I sometimes send spiritual healing or pray. If the connection we feel is real, it will likely be received.

Thanks Julia. I think you're so right... .especially with the casting out. To cast out someone who fears above all things to be cast out... .it's just not something I want to do. Sadly he is the one who does the casting out, so in the end there is no way to avoid it.

I have tried with messages, but I think it's also very hard for him to receive kindness, and often if I do this I don't get a response or I might and then he might ghost me. It's very strange, and difficult. Because even as I try to express my compassion which I naturally want to do, it results in pain for both of us - I still struggle to not interpret silence as rejection, and I can tell that it also can upset him. It's so hard because I can't seem to find a place where I feel satisfied... .No contact feels very wrong because it feels I am punishing him and casting him out, when in fact I care about him and I think he does care about me (in his own limited way), but low contact is also painful.

[Julia S]

My pwBPD friend who got a bit closer than that did the casting out with me, when we were on the brink of a relationship. He since did the not replying to msges and ghosting and I was very depressed by it all so I stopped msging him. I think he's currently the person who contacting me anonymously, and having initiated the contact, is eventually reading the msges but not replying. I don't know if it is him, but the first msg asked about treatment for depression. So I figure whomever it is, I would want to help, so I'm replying with suggestions. If it is him then he suffers quite bad depression and could do with some help and encouragement. Or he might just want a fix of contact - he could contact me as himself but wouldn't for fear of rejection. Some people think I should not reply or block in case it's him thinking he's manipulating me. But if we act with such suspicion, and maybe turn away genuine people in case it's an attention seeking pwBPD, then we really have lost our humanity, and they've extended their destruction even further.

[Lucky Jim]

I think he is someone who does a lot to sabotage relationships with those who are close to him. I understand and see his suffering.

So true, C'nR, for those suffering from BPD.  You have a wonderful capacity for seeing the positive side to his personality, despite having been hurt by his negative side.  I'm sorry that you continue to suffer and hope you can find the right balance for your compassion.  LJ

[caughtnreleased]

You have a wonderful capacity for seeing the positive side to his personality, despite having been hurt by his negative side.   LJ

Thanks LuckyJim. For so long I tried to simply see his negatives... .focus on the negatives, always the negatives in the hopes I could detach. I had to accept both sides to take a proper step forward. Because he is wonderful person, but he's broken and unfortunately he's using scotch tape to put the pieces back together. I had to fight every urge inside of me that screamed at me to rescue him... .that urge has died somewhat. I still wish I could give him a hug.   Wonder why I don't have such strong feelings about people who are actually in my life... .?

[lovenature]

You can't do the same because you don't have a serious mental illness, a PWBPD can cognitively distort actual reality to fit their feelings of the moment. You can feel compassion, have empathy, respect etc. because you developed a sense of self, a PWBPD isn't capable of these qualities because they don't have a whole self, and they typically have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old.

[caughtnreleased]

a PWBPD can cognitively distort actual reality to fit their feelings of the moment. You can feel compassion

This is a good point. I think we always forget this... .that the actions of a pwBPD are based on a distorted perception of what is going on.  So thanks for the reminder. It makes me feel sad because I think he knew that his thinking was distorted... .imagine not being able to trust yourself, not just because you don't like yourself, but because your thinking is warped... .it's incredibly invalidating without even having others do the job. Imagine your whole way of thinking was totally flawed. That is frightening and very sad. I just can't understand why he was refusing help. He knows he has a lot of problems. He is openly suffering a lot of the time, and he was open about a lot of his suffering with me. I know others with BPD who are closer to NPD and rather than being self destructive and depressed like the ex, they take it out on others - rages, abuse, constant bringing down of others, always on the move, never stopping to relax ever and they would never go to therapy because they aren't even aware of their own suffering... they simply attack other people, do their best to hurt and wreck their lives. I can understand why THOSE people won't go to therapy... .but the ex was not like that. He had a certain self-awareness: he self-diagnosed, he was often depressed, he took most of the responsibility for destroying the relationships in his life... .why oh why not get help. It baffled me. I can only hope that he did but just never wanted to tell me.

[Keef]

Hello caughtnreleased,

I couldn't agree more on this topic. I've swung to and fro between many emotions since being discarded by my uBPDx, now nearly a month ago without contact. This weekend my heart cries for her, without knowing where she is or what she is up to. I'm not at all long out of the r/s so of course I expect it to be quite a ride towards healing and letting go, but I just wanted to say that I know how you feel!

My ex was very aware of her instability and the pain it had caused others and herself (however... not always the pain it caused me, not that I'm aware of anyway... ). She was just in the beginning of getting a proper diagnose, we'd even talked seriously about seeing her T together as soon as possible. Maybe that was a factor... she wasn't ready to hear me describing her behaviour and how I felt about it all in the presence of a professional.

Watching into a disturbed and mildly put bothered person's soul when you have these strong feelings for them... wanting to reach out... phew... the only expression I can think of is 'heart breaking'.

Wonder why I don't have such strong feelings about people who are actually in my life... .?

I know... .I would turn the question around, as soon as you feel ready, and try asking yourself why you have a hard time letting go. Maybe we do have such strong feelings for the people who actually are here with us. It's just, well you know this I'm sure, the BPD is so all-absorbing. I do know where you're coming from.

You are a compassionate individual and in the future this will be acknowledged as one of your assets, by someone who can take care of that insight.

Wishing you well,
/Keef

[caughtnreleased]

Keef,

Thanks for your kind words.  Letting go has come in little steps for me. I've been out for a while, with either NC, or LC. It's been a year and a half. While this relationship was short lived it turned my world upside down. I had to re-examine the person that I was - and realized that most of my past relationships had been abusive, including my upbringing. In a way it's like he pulled my blinders off and it was horribly painful, but I was able to rebuild. Things didn't last long enough for me to become totally invested in the relationship, and we were never "serious" or "committed" so in that way I never felt betrayed by him. The discard was truly horrible though. Still, the relationship was important to me. So while I think I've come a long way in letting go... .I suppose I somehow wish I could have helped him more. His honesty about his condition allowed me to figure out a lot of my own problems. I think I feel guilty that I didn't do more to help him.

[caughtnreleased]

He once said to me during a recycle that he didn't want us to get involved romantically so that we could stay friends for many years.

Unfortunately despite our best efforts it was impossible for the relationship to remain platonic.

I wish I could have given him that friendship.

[Keef]

He once said to me during a recycle that he didn't want us to get involved romantically so that we could stay friends for many years.

This might sound crass, but if I'd heard that I'd have felt, although probably in hindsight, that it just meant keeping one at a distance to avoid engulfment, to minimize the risks of abandonment... just a thought. My ex broke up with me four times during one year, and she had all these ideas when we recycled, ideas about redefining the r/s and the boundaries/rules etc... always confusing. Never worked out.

I had to re-examine the person that I was - and realized that most of my past relationships had been abusive, including my upbringing.

This speaks to me. I am 'left with' the same experience, atleast concerning my former relationships. Hope my T can help me help myself to put some light on the upbringing part too. Are you seeing a T?

I feel guilt too, about a handful of things. They are part of the sadness in not being able to reach out, knowing this wouldn't generate any closure. Closure won't ever be real closure with my ex. Only gnawing silence :-/ . Time to work on one's self then...

[caughtnreleased]

This might sound crass, but if I'd heard that I'd have felt, although probably in hindsight, that it just meant keeping one at a distance to avoid engulfment, to minimize the risks of abandonment... just a thought.

That's exactly what I understood it to mean. I don't know why it's crass. I understood it as his saying that he wanted me to remain in his life and therefore if I was kept at a distance the chances that things wouldn't go south were better. I kind of agreed, except when you know someone intimately and you are very attracted to them, it's really hard to keep it all under control and it quickly spiralled out of control.

[caughtnreleased]

and yes I did see a T for some time, but after a while I felt that there was a lot of wallowing in my own self pity, which got very stagnant. I don't know if this is a characteristic of therapy in general or just the T I was seeing, but I felt like I hit a wall with therapy and that I needed to doing and changing things instead of complaining about how I didn't like things... .

[lovenature]

I just can't understand why he was refusing help.

Because even the lower functioning BPD's don't want to admit they are at fault and need help, the shame they feel is too great. Only when their life is absolutely not working for them anymore will they likely get the help they need.

cnr, the more you try to help a PWBPD, the more they push you away. Sadly they are looking for someone to make them feel better about themselves, and of course the only person who can do that is them, same goes for anyone.
Focus on you and your recovery.

[caughtnreleased]

Lovenature,

You're right I agree with what you're saying. The thing is that I have really focused a lot on my recovery, I have done everything under the sun for this recovery, and it's long and complicated because as I've discovered I had a really screwed up FOO, but a very high functioning screwed up FOO.  BPDex still keeps creeping up in my mind.  When I've shut him out (and did NC for a year and a half) I feel bad about it. I don't want to cast him off, as I've done since the breakup because I feel bad if I do that. I'm glad that he is with a replacement (and I hope it's still the case since she seems to tolerate a lot from him), but I would perhaps like to maintain LC with him. I think that shutting someone out is falling into the black and white thinking... .I did shut him out, but it makes me feel bad, and I can tell it's hurtful to him. I also think that it's good practice for me to "accept" things as they are. He used to stir up so much in me, but luckily that has faded a lot to a point where I think that I am in a good position to be at peace with how things currently are. I just don't want to be the one who is actively shutting him out. I think unfortunately that I have judged people in the past and cast them off. Perhaps it's a good approach when one is just coming out of a relationship to go NC which is what I did, but when I shut him out I feel bad, all his pain and hurt just comes rushing at me saying: "how could you cast out someone who has so much pain in them, someone who values you as a friend?"

But all that being said, you are right that I should continue to focus on myself. What do I do about these feelings of compassion? They eat away at me when I'm NC.

[lovenature]

I think that shutting someone out is falling into the black and white thinking... .

Actually going NC is based on the "gray" thinking; once we learn enough about this awful disorder we realize that the way to stop the hurt for BOTH partners is to stay NC and give ourselves the needed closure. Trying to be friends with an ex. PWBPD typically causes the same fears and results in the same behaviours, they also tend to go from wanting to be friends, to FWB, to trying again with a romantic relationship, and take your pick based on their current emotion of the moment. With continued contact comes more of the same pain for us, we go back into the FOG and are unable to recover and find a healthy way of life.

When you struggle with your feeling of compassion, as I did and it resulted in breaking NC and setting myself back big time, remind yourself that you are doing the most compassionate thing overall for the both of you by remaining NC. I know how truly hard this is for you, hang in there.