So sick of it all

[momwhoneedshelp]

Started reading "Stop walking on eggshells". Trying to keep an open mind that it will help me understand and deal with my BPD husband better, but after another night of his drinking with "friends", I am fed up and tired of living in an unhappy marriage and sacrificing 20 years of my life.  I wish I had support but reality is I dont. His friends are enablers. They just tell him what he wants to hear so they dont have to deal with his ranting. My only support is a few cousins who keep their distance because they have had decent marriages, dont understand why I stay and just tell me to "be happy". I try to explain that he has a mental health illness and explain they wouldn't leave their husbands if they had a more socially accepted illness. The one person I was close to, my sweet cousin, passed away 3 years ago. She was the only one who got that I do what I do for my son, because if I had his father leave he would go homeless (as he has no job or income) and he adores his father. But... .I am truly miserable and lonely. I know most will suggest a therapist which I went to for while but am now so financially burdened that I cant afford it. Please tell me I am not crazy and alone. And, also how do you explain this to a 13 year old? I dont want him thinking that his father's behaviors (constant arguments with people, quitting/getting fired from jobs repeatedly, drinking, etc.) are acceptable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jej]

Dear Momwhoneedshelp some kind of therapy may help you, just to have someone trusted and confidential to talk to.  The sad thing about this illness is no one can tell you what to do.  I have a BPD partner, and it is becoming totally unbearable for me.  I stay thinking he'll get better, things will improve, but if I'm honest things are getting worse daily.  I am miserable, have no fun in my life really the only joy is from my children.  All I know is that I don't want this cycle to continue, and if he can't get better via treatment, then something else has to give.  Try to find someone to talk to to help you organise your thoughts and feelings.  Good luck and take care x

[Five28]

I am miserable, have no fun in my life really the only joy is from my children.

This^^^^.
I've found myself thinking very often that there is no joy in my life anymore. Who would knowingly opt for a life without joy? I think most normal, rational people would run like the wind if they knew beforehand what they were getting into with a BPD partner. All we can do is attempt to minimize the chaos and stress that our loved ones put us through. It takes it's toll though, and you may find that your feelings for this person will slowly change over time.