I can't keep living like this...The Rages Are Horrific

[babyducks]

Hi Phoenix Jade

It is difficult to find ourselves in these types of situations.   There is no one size fits all correct solution.   I want to encourage your exploration of your own feelings.   Typically what experience has shown us all is that our relationships are so fraught with complex issues it takes careful work and time to move through them.

I have a plan to move through this and I want to do things differently when I leave.  I have tools to help manage all of this.  I see more clearly and have acceptance more so than I ever had before.

I am on pins and needles all the time... .we're supposed to decorate a christmas tree and I dread that... .I never know when something that should be just fun, warm and wonderful will turn into a nightmare.

Still processing all of this I'm learning and taking care of myself as best I can.  My head is getting more and more clear with this situation.

I really like the idea that you are making a plan.   You've mentioned that several times and I am glad that you are sticking with it.

   cbm419 mentioned safety.   I echo that concern.   Experts and statistics say that the most unsafe time in a DV (domestic violence) relationship is when the victim attempts to leave.

When an attempt to leave is made the abuser feels the loss of power and acts in ways to regain control.

Safety first.   this website is predicated on the idea of safety first.   

'ducks

[PhoenixJade]

cbm419, first off I want you to know how deeply sorry I am that you went through all that you did.  I am just so sorry. My eyes are welling for you/that situation.  Sometimes I wish I could hug everyone and erase all the ugliness, the pain... .

It's often said this life's a journey... .lessons we're learning.  I'm trying to make some sense of this situation I'm in and see what it is I need to learn as I move through it.  I've had a way (since I was a child) of making lemonade out of lemons every time.  I see how difficult it's been for me to accept reality just as it is... .my mind wants to change awful situations and turn it into something 'pretty'... .rather than face the 'ugliness' just as it is.  Perhaps that's one of my lessons now... .to stare 'ugliness' down... .to remain steadfast in the face of what is Really occurring and make concrete decisions that serve me well based on actual events occurring... .

One thing I struggle with (I have my entire life) is believing there is Hope for Everyone for change... .And honestly looking at this... .I still feel this way, but as you pointed out there needs to be concrete evidence of that person doing the work to make the changes... .accepting accountability, continuing to get the help needed, etc.

Somewhere in this site (and the book I'm reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist... .How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" it's mentioned, in concrete terms, that one must accept the reality of what's occurring.  I view this as accepting clearly what has happened, this 'personality disorder' as you call it in my partner and for me acknowledging the potential danger I'm in... .

There's still a part of me that doesn't want to admit the danger this relationship can pose to me... .  But I'm now very concerned about taking any trips to remote areas with him... .that came up for discussion a few weeks ago. Of course I didn't share with him I'm afraid of what may happen... .I just listened to him.  A couple months ago I was excited about it but as I've witnessed these rages becoming more frequent I do not want to go anywhere remotely with him.   He may not mean to do anything intentionally but if he flies into a rage I could be seriously hurt while he's raging... .

It is all very sobering and I'm working on not sugarcoating any of this.

Thank you very much for expressing your concern, sharing your story (and I am so sorry that you went through that) and reaching out.

Life is messy but I'm ready for some of that to untangle... .I'm going to do what I can for myself to untangle what I can.

I really appreciate your extending yourself and reaching out to help. Big hug... .Thank you
 

[heartandwhole]

Hi PhoenixJade,

You are getting wonderful advice and comments in this thread, and it's great to see how engaged you have been in mining as much insight as you can from your situation. I think that is such a healthy attitude.

Safety first.   this website is predicated on the idea of safety first.    

I wanted to reinforce this sentiment by   babyducks. Even as you tend to your feelings of hope for change, compassion, acceptance of what is, etc., I encourage you to plan for unforeseen circumstances. Hopefully you will never need to use the Safety Plan (linked below), but it's very comforting to know ahead of time where and to whom you will turn if things get out of hand. Remember, you can even call a Domestic Violence hotline in your area just to ask for information. They have access to info. and resources that you may not even know are available—for that "if" scenario.

Safety First

Find Domestic Violence Help


heartandwhole

[cbm419]

It's often said this life's a journey... .lessons we're learning.  I'm trying to make some sense of this situation I'm in and see what it is I need to learn as I move through it.  I've had a way (since I was a child) of making lemonade out of lemons every time.  I see how difficult it's been for me to accept reality just as it is... .my mind wants to change awful situations and turn it into something 'pretty'... .rather than face the 'ugliness' just as it is.  Perhaps that's one of my lessons now... .to stare 'ugliness' down... .to remain steadfast in the face of what is Really occurring and make concrete decisions that serve me well based on actual events occurring... .

One thing I struggle with (I have my entire life) is believing there is Hope for Everyone for change... .And honestly looking at this... .I still feel this way, but as you pointed out there needs to be concrete evidence of that person doing the work to make the changes... .accepting accountability, continuing to get the help needed, etc.
 

Phoenix-I am like you, when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade.

For these situations I've created a new phrase:

Hand grenades wont make lemonade.  They just blow up in your face

I feel we are kindred spirits in that I share a lot of your viewpoints in life and shared the same hopes for my ex.  I have this lifelong belief all people can change, and that I can be someone to help a person on their journey for positive transformation.  I learned thru this relationship that I cannot cure crazy all on my own, and people can only change themselves, with hard work and commitment. You mentioned your BF is in AA- I'd love to take a page from their program and remind you of the Serenity prayer they use when meetings begin.

"God, grant me the serenity. 
To accept the things I Cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference."

I learned thru my experience that I have to start with the Wisdom to know the difference and work backwards from there.  I realized in my relationship I was ignoring wisdom in favor of the "courage to change the things I cannot." And I was blinded by courage and my lifelong belief system that people are inherently good underneath it all, and I can help people tap that potential.

The lesson I've taken from my experience is life is best spent loving someone who is capable of loving you the exact way you love them, and comes with this capability from the first day of the relationship onward.

Looking back, my ex was literally the definition of a project.  As his less ideal qualities emerged after our idealization phase, they quickly overwhelmed the best aspects of him that had me fall in love.  However, I refused to forget about those best aspects, while intentionally repressing all the bad qualities as well as the unfortunate events that came from them.

By the end of it all, I'm wondering what the heck was I thinking! all day, every day.  My therapist, who does a lot of work on codependency and couples counseling, is still so perplexed by how deep I fell into this relationship and astounded at how I was able to maintain the expectation things would work out how i first pictured them, while increasingly lowering the bar for what I would allow in a relationship.  Before him, I would never accept a cheater.  I would never accept abuse.  I would never become so blind and would constantly evaluate if a relationship was meeting my standards and actively helping me thrive towards my individual goals and aspirations.  I never lost the my "self" so much before... .my partner and I shared our love, our experiences, but we would always maintain our individuality.

In these BPD relationships, we become so enmeshed in the codependency that we lose our identities while enabling the BPD partner to use our energy and mind to sustain their static, sickened state of being.  without enablers, they would be forced to look in the mirror at themselves, rather than holding it up to you, and thus they never have to face the dysfunction that is dominating their minds. The trade off is that dysfunction becomes contagious and soon we are trauma bonded to the BPD.

Its scary.  every day I get a little further from the spell that was cast on me, and its great... .but also rather depressing.  I spend so much time kicking myself for what i let myself endure. I could have left so much earlier and saved myself so much harm and lost time.  I just kept believing if I loved him a little harder, cared a little more, studied this illness and all these tactics, one day everything would be what I imagined it could.   The truth is that is NOT love.  that is at best a project, at worse a dangerous delusion.  For me it was very dangerous and has had immense consequences.

Please don't think twice about keeping your plan to leave.  and do so as soon as you can. 

[Turkish]

Hi PhoenixJade,

The tools can certainly help to reduce conflict,  but ultimately,  you're neither responsible for his feelings,  nor his behaviors. You've been in this place before.  Now,  minus the substance abuse,  you're he's  in the same place again. 

The bed issues elicit eyerolling at best,  but the incident where you put your foot through the floor is especially concerning: he doesn't seem capable of how he can and is hurting you. 

Have you had time to read the info that heartandwhole posted? Can you reach out to a local resource for support? Here is something else which may help:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Please continue to keep us updated, PJ.

Turkish

[Skip]

Somewhere in this site (and the book I'm reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist... .How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" it's mentioned, in concrete terms, that one must accept the reality of what's occurring.  I view this as accepting clearly what has happened, this 'personality disorder' as you call it in my partner and for me acknowledging the potential danger I'm in... .

There's still a part of me that doesn't want to admit the danger this relationship can pose to me... .

We have to process these things in our own way and time.    You're conflicted about your feelings. Many are. That's why we have a "Conflicted" board.

"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist... .How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" is a helpful resource to help us peel back the layers of the onion and expose what we really want to do.  We have a good relationship with that author. Here is a 4 minute video of her t6alking to her readers. It helps me to put a face to an author when I read.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303203.0

My thoughts for you is to look at the things a "conflicted, undecided person" can do, while processing your feelings.

Create a safety plan: In this day and age, a safety plan is a good thing for us all to have. Its simply pre-planing what we would do if something goes wrong in the home. It could be as simple and putting a low cost phone, money, keys, ID, shoes, a list of phone numbers, a sweatsuit, and a flashlight in a dufflebag and asking a neighbor if you can keep it in their shed and let your have the lock combination. This would allow you to leave the house at anytime, as is, in an emergency without needing to gather anything. Everyone's plan is unique to their circumstance, of course. It's something to think about.

Calm your environment: However irrational another person is, once the high emotions burst, there is a back and forth between the parties that influences the emotional outbreak. Think of a child throwing a tantrum in a store. The course of that tantrum is very much affected by whether the mom ignores, bribes, or swats the child.

So whether you are eventually going to leave or stay or he commits to help or doesn't, it would help to discuss with us how to deal with the next tantrum so that you don't inadvertently escalate it. I'm not suggesting you walk on eggshells or reward bad behavior, but I am suggesting that discretion is the better part of valor.  

Let some light in: It's embarrassing have home violence and often our reaction is to hide it. The reality (you mentioned this above) is that discretely letting people know is a deterrent. This is a little complicated, and probably warrants a thread of its own if you want to explore it further at some point.

Baby steps.

So, going back to "calm environment", what does he normally rage about?

[cbm419]

I do have to clarify that skip, ducks and others here are providing a great dialogue about a practical approach to this situation.    Thats whats so great about this site.  Those of us who are new (and i with about 50 posts surely still am) truly benefit from the experience and strength of knowledge our more veteran members provide.  I can't speculate who may or may not be a mental health expert, if at all, but the information experienced members connect us with, the patience and kind delivery of them rises to a near professional level.  I suppose we could call them expert message boarders, at minimum. .

I certainly may be guilty of projecting a bit too much of my own experience into my posts.  I suppose I read the OPs story and there was something of a trigger factor when reflecting on my own past.

and thats the important distinction.  What I can do here is relate and identify, I cannot advise.

I was thinking of this today when i was in the shower (where great thoughts are often born). Looking back, the seperation from my ex was not a quick, clean break in the face of clear and present danger. It took nearly a year, with about 6 months of cooling off before I made the final break in a different house, different state, 100 miles away.  By then we were both, without doubt, in the avoidance stage of relationship breakdown.  I sure have a lot of regrets about how much I endured during this process and leading up to it, and I often hear my minds voice saying "if only you had just done it sooner." this is perhaps why I can react to hearing a similar story and say "run for the hills! get out now! Noww! take it from me, i wish i had done it sooner."

Well, in fairness I could not truly predict what the outcome would have been if, when my ex and i were basically living together (he did maintain his own place, but spent 99% at mine... .still a very diff situation from the OPs) I hastily pulled the trigger, ended things, physically in his presence without a real cool down.

Just the very fact i was able to do the real "break up" from a phone 100 miles away is a huge distinction. Any time things got that dicey in person, he wouldnt leave nor let me leave... .stand in front of the door... .really desperate stuff.  Enough that i knew I should table the issue then and capitulate to him for the sake of my own sanity, stress, time, and later on, safety.

These things take a careful approach, often a bit of patience and a light touch from the non BPD. I can tell the OP is wise to a lot of that. but I still wanted to be mindful that what i've said doesnt sensationalize their view of the situation.

I'm still very new to all of this and dont want to get carried away like that!

[PhoenixJade]

Thank you, Thank you all for the support and links you've provided.  I'm reading them, processing and learning more... .

Merry Christmas my new friends   

[Larmoyant]

Merry Christmas PhoenixJade and to all at BPD Family   

[Skip]

Welcome to the family!

[hope2727]

I am sorry you are experiencing all this. I have been there and I now how hard the rages are to take. Here is a web site I found helpful. I hope it can help you too.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

Best of luck and take care of yourself.

[lovenature]

Hey PhoenixJade

I too have been to the darkest place ever in my life, and my rescue black lab/german shepherd, and yorkie/poo best friends most likely kept my alive.
You are right that you can't keep living like this; horrific rages aren't part of a healthy relationship.
Focus on your healing.