Support network after breakup

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey,

I was wondering how people around sufferers of a BPD break up fail to comprehend that we have been abused in some way, i am not a professional but am reasonably sure my ex is BPD, my story is similar to others.

A friend told me today that my ex is "mentally stronger than me" and i thought mate you don't know what i know.

This led me to think, and i started to wonder if anyone on here had found similar thoughts or a lack of true understanding based on assumptions from the people closest to them?

[Hash]

Hey,

I was wondering how people around sufferers of a BPD break up fail to comprehend that we have been abused in some way, i am not a professional but am reasonably sure my ex is BPD, my story is similar to others.

A friend told me today that my ex is "mentally stronger than me" and i thought mate you don't know what i know.

This led me to think, and i started to wonder if anyone on here had found similar thoughts or a lack of true understanding based on assumptions from the people closest to them?

[Hisaccount]

I kind of think I know what you are saying. I had no close friends left on my side of the relationship. So I didn't have anyone to talk to.

My ex though, talking to her friends they all believed we had the perfect marriage. I was just floored that nobody else saw the cracks in her armor.

[Julia S]

Yes, this can be very difficult. Mainly because all most people have experience of is a broken romance. They challenge how you can possibly feel depressed - particularly if it was for a short time - and that you can't possibly be in love but must simply be infatuated and need to pull yourself together.
Of course, the reality when this is happening is that you haven't realised yourself that your response is due to an encounter with someone who has an extreme mental disorder, and that this is far different from your or their picture of a romance.

I was lucky that a close friend observed me with the pwBPD during the idealisation phase. So at the very least thought he was a dreadful person for leading me on very deliberately, then telling me it was all off, then manipulating me via msges and texts - I shared at least the basics and frequency of our interactions with this friend. Another friend observed his reaction to seeing me after telling me it was off, and was taken by how genuinely affectionate he seemed towards me.

I'm not sure either of them fully comprehend the extent of his disorder, I'm not sure I do. Contrast this with friends who are MH professionals, and their attitude is quite different. For most people, I think the problem is inability to comprehend the workings of a disordered mind from the experience of a healthy one. They try to describe it in familiar terms of fear of commitment or moodiness, without realising it is something far more serious and complex.

[rfriesen]

Hi Hash,

Yes, in coping with the end of my relationship, I sometimes found myself hurt even by well-intentioned comments from people who I consider kind and caring. If I'm being honest, the person I was before this relationship would have been baffled by my behaviour at the end of it, especially the degree of guilt and anxiety that I felt. It's very difficult to truly empathize with and understand what someone is going through in these situations, unless we've been there ourselves. A BPD relationship can wear down your boundaries to such an extent that it takes a lot of time and work to relearn how to set boundaries again. Just to have that stable sense of self again. The positive in it all is that it's an opportunity to "rebuild" your self in pretty fundamental ways. But I know, believe me, that's cold comfort when you're still floating in the shipwreck of it all.

Even some therapists will have trouble relating if they don't have experience working with those who have been in BPD relationships. That said, a therapist can be an invaluable resource if you find you're not getting the understanding and support you need from your network of family and friends.

The "mentally stronger than" comment actually reflects a major aspect of BPD relationships, though in a somewhat twisted way. A pwBPD can break down your boundaries in a way that draws all your emotional energy and investment into that one relationship. They can do that with charm and intense feelings of love, lust, seduction ... .and they can do that with shame, guilt, manipulation. Those are the tools they have learned throughout life to cope with their own fears and pains, often revolving intensely around the fear of abandonment. A BPD relationship can devolve into power struggles and the painful, anxiety-inducing sense that our partner is just trying to wear us down.

A pwBPD can seem to pour endless energy into the push-pull of those power struggles. In that sense, they can be very "mentally strong". But do we really want to live in relationships like that? Most of us here feel that we tried our best to break that cycle of power struggles and have real, open, honest communication with our partners, at least on some level (and, in hindsight, recognizing our own limitations and failures). If it's a sign of strength to keep fighting the same power struggles, then we should at least ask, "To what end? So as not to be the one who feels abandoned when the relationship runs into trouble?"

Honestly, I think many, probably most, people spend too much of their lives trying to be strong for the sake of seeming strong. One of the benefits of recovering from a relationship like this is that we can start to see how self-defeating so many of the mechanisms are that we've developed over a lifetime to cope with the emotions we feel in intimate relationships. And that doesn't apply just to BPD.

If you give yourself the time and care to work through your emotions now, you'll understand and see a lot better the ways people set up defence mechanisms and struggle with true intimacy. We all do. But if what you want in the long run is a genuine, open, honest relationship with someone who wants the same back, then this whole process can be a great learning experience. Again, I know it's cold comfort when you're still hurting terribly. It's worth planting that seed, though -- I know, coming out of the relationship that brought me here, I held onto the basic insight that in the future I want relationships that minimize the power struggle and where I feel we value being genuine over wanting to prove who is "mentally stronger".

All this to say, yes, we know where you're coming from in finding that many people don't seem to understand the depth of the emotions these relationships evoke and how disorienting the aftermath can be. A small number of trusted friends/family, or often even better a good therapist can be extremely helpful in that respect. Hang in there, it does get much better

[Julia S]

The ability to numb out emotions - an inappropriately learned defence mechanism, because their emotions have not developed enough to cope with everyday life - is not being mentally stronger, though with a high functioning pwBPD, whose friends don't have a clue, it may seem that way.

And I really do think we have to get away from this idea of encounter with a disordered person being an opportunity to grow and discover ourselves. That's like saying having a serious injury and being confined to a wheelchair for years is an opportunity to understand what it's like to have a disability.

Neither of those situations are good. Let's stop pretending and trying to dress this up. It would be far more honest to admit that getting involved with a pwBPD has a rubbish effect on you that you wouldn't wish on anyone else. We have to find ways of coming to terms with it and healing from it, and stop taking the blame - even in part - for someone else's disordered mind.

Would you introduce a close friend or your grown up child to a pwBPD, in order that they could get involved with them and get traumatised and depressed, but have the opportunity to grow from the experience?
I think that would be a universal no.

[Duped 1]

Great post Julia!

[rfriesen]

That's something worth thinking about in life. We don't wish feelings of failure, distress, pain, shame on anyone we care about, especially close friends or family members. Yet we know that these things are part of life and that when they show up, facing them honestly and working through them is more powerful in the long run than pushing them away.

The question for anyone who comes here is not, "Should I expose myself to a BPD relationship?" But rather, "Given the emotional pain and distress I'm in, how do I move forward in the best possible way for me?" Those are two very different questions, and I certainly don't mean to suggest that anyone should see their BPD relationship as a blessing or the pain and distress that follow as blessings. But we cannot undo the past. The question is simply where do we go from here.

I don't want to push the metaphor too far, but if we have been seriously injured and face a long recovery, then I do think we'll learn a lot about what we're made of as we gather our strength and work at learning how to walk again. I'm not encouraging anyone to go out seeking BPD relationships and, again, I should have been clearer about that. But those who have been or are being injured by a BPD relationship, they've come here seeking help in moving forward, and we can find strength and understanding on that path. I still struggle with wishing I had never been brought to that point by a relationship. The thing about life, though, is we never get to choose our past.

[Hash]

You all make some very good points, i dont feel so bad at the moment and reading peoples experiences on here has helped me to see that i am not alone.

I guess to understand what we have been through you have to firstly be aware that BPD exists (another friend says i am just looking for excuses for why it ended) and also to have been through it.

I dont miss her most the time but there are moments i would trade my life for another 6 month honeymoon period , it is the reoccuring dream i have that is upsetting in the dream she is there, reachable but runs away and will not talk to me, in real life she lives a few miles away and cut me off after i called her out on her behaviour.

I wake up feeling empty and go bed thinking about her, i know its unhealthy but my brain cant let go subconciously, i also know its pathetic, but i dont keep a big circle of friends and its hard when they just cannot understand why you were so captivated.

Maybe if they had read or experienced this they might understand my dilema

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301899.new#new

Thank you all for being so forthcoming on this subject

[once removed]

I guess to understand what we have been through you have to firstly be aware that BPD exists (another friend says i am just looking for excuses for why it ended) and also to have been through it.

ouch.

i had a friend who said something similar - that i was not my exes therapist, that my ex was probably not even giving me a thought, and that i was in denial.

ouch.

that was a pretty insensitive thing to say and it made me angry, rightfully so. it also hurt because deep down i wondered if she was right, or to what extent she might be.

the label "BPD" and the support here can be invaluable if we use them constructively. to know that youre not alone and be able to connect with others who have walked in your shoes is healing in itself.

my friends and family didnt necessarily "understand" BPD, and of course they had never seen my ex and i behind closed doors. they were, however, supportive, and thats what i needed from them. from those that couldnt give me that, i tried not to seek it (i overshared with everyone in sight for some weeks).

do you have friends and family that do support you? what sort of support do you need from them, and have you thought of how you might communicate what you need?

[Julia S]

If you had another 6 month idealisation phase you'd likely lose your sanity after.

Seriously, for the recurring dream, you can resolve this. Work out how you'd like the dream to pan out - realistically this would be her having treatment/therapy as it would be the best option for both of you. You can leave any hopes for the future till after that. So picture the dream with you meeting and chatting, and her saying she's going to have therapy. You might also want her to say she's moving away to a new job - whatever would be best for you. And then part amicably. Practice the new version of the dream before you go to sleep each night, and when it comes again you should be able to resolve it.

[Dutched]

A friend told me today that my ex is "mentally stronger than me" and i thought mate you don't know what i know.
and... .
(another friend says i am just looking for excuses for why it ended)

Was that a friend or someone you think is a friend?
Friends ask, listen, confront,  are honest and try to have a clear view.
They don’t tell you ‘get over it’, they guide you through it

PwBPD (traits) are masters in maintaining an image, a façade of social correct and pleasant behaviour.
You, only you (well maybe her parents/family and the father of her kids) saw her real face.
But don’t forget that the behaviour is of constant avoiding emotional turmoil.
They feel empty inside, so it can be filled with joy (feeling good) and lashing out (or inward punishment)

Now after a breakup the façade is more stronger that ever, as it is pure survival in order to suppress that pain.
That stage WE see as coldness, having no empathy, no remorse, no just nothing at all.
OTHERS see it (as the façade is even reinforced) as ‘strong’.
A person who is on control of her/his emotions.
But… when the audience is gone, they are empty… and alone in the rollercoaster

Contrary to you… filled with unbelief and pain who wants to talk and talk, to learn and process … for your own wellbeing. So keep posting.

You are still young and I may say (after 30+ yrs) you dodged a bullet, how painful it is!
And above all, one day you feel proud again! As you experienced ‘something’ that will help you to see healthy / unhealthy behaviour in other people in order to set and stick to your boundaries.

Lately I wrote:
Years ago I said and later wrote similar to a young man after the sudden break up with a girl he adored and wanted to marry. 
He grieved for almost a year and, as he didn’t believe me I guess, seeing me made him to ignore me.
Some years later, walking on the sideboard he approached me. First he thanked me for telling / showing him, then he proudly introduced his (nice and warm looking) girlfriend, told that they bought a house and were getting married.

[boatman]

And I really do think we have to get away from this idea of encounter with a disordered person being an opportunity to grow and discover ourselves. That's like saying having a serious injury and being confined to a wheelchair for years is an opportunity to understand what it's like to have a disability.

Would you introduce a close friend or your grown up child to a pwBPD, in order that they could get involved with them and get traumatised and depressed, but have the opportunity to grow from the experience?
I think that would be a universal no.

I absolutely  100% agree! Great comments!

[fromheeltoheal]

And I really do think we have to get away from this idea of encounter with a disordered person being an opportunity to grow and discover ourselves. That's like saying having a serious injury and being confined to a wheelchair for years is an opportunity to understand what it's like to have a disability.

Neither of those situations are good. Let's stop pretending and trying to dress this up. It would be far more honest to admit that getting involved with a pwBPD has a rubbish effect on you that you wouldn't wish on anyone else. We have to find ways of coming to terms with it and healing from it, and stop taking the blame - even in part - for someone else's disordered mind.

Exactly.  Things either happen to us or for us in life, and which one we end up with is 10% what actually happened and 90% what we make it mean.  We do get to come to terms with all of it, and if we choose to believe what happened is an opportunity to grow and discover ourselves, it will be, and if we choose to believe we are forever damaged, we will be.  A large part of detachment is taking our power back, part of which is our ability to choose what we make things mean, which doesn't mean delude ourselves, it means maybe ask some better questions, like how can I use this?  How does it benefit me?  Ask your brain those and it will come up with empowering answers.  This it our heaven or our hell, both are always available.

[michel71]

The ability to numb out emotions - an inappropriately learned defence mechanism, because their emotions have not developed enough to cope with everyday life - is not being mentally stronger, though with a high functioning pwBPD, whose friends don't have a clue, it may seem that way.

And I really do think we have to get away from this idea of encounter with a disordered person being an opportunity to grow and discover ourselves. That's like saying having a serious injury and being confined to a wheelchair for years is an opportunity to understand what it's like to have a disability.

Neither of those situations are good. Let's stop pretending and trying to dress this up. It would be far more honest to admit that getting involved with a pwBPD has a rubbish effect on you that you wouldn't wish on anyone else. We have to find ways of coming to terms with it and healing from it, and stop taking the blame - even in part - for someone else's disordered mind.

Would you introduce a close friend or your grown up child to a pwBPD, in order that they could get involved with them and get traumatised and depressed, but have the opportunity to grow from the experience?
I think that would be a universal no.

AMEN JULIA> WELL SAID