Why are They so Addictive?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My uexBPDgf dumped me 3 mos ago after 2 years together and pressuring me to marry for much of the rs. It ended ugly and she immediately jumped into another rs after telling me dozens of times that that would never happen as nobody could ever compare to me. In my 46 years I have never struggled so much. This person was awful to me and no one has ever treated me so poorly or made me feel so loved.

So here I am trying to break the addiction and wondering how she could b so cold and move on like it was nothing and not want any contact w me.

Why am I so addicted and obsessing about her even now? Is it the longing for idealization again or something to do w the intermittent love associated with the push-pull dynamic? I would like to understand the addiction better.

Thanks!

[Duped 1]

My uexBPDgf dumped me 3 mos ago after 2 years together and pressuring me to marry for much of the rs. It ended ugly and she immediately jumped into another rs after telling me dozens of times that that would never happen as nobody could ever compare to me. In my 46 years I have never struggled so much. This person was awful to me and no one has ever treated me so poorly or made me feel so loved.

So here I am trying to break the addiction and wondering how she could b so cold and move on like it was nothing and not want any contact w me.

Why am I so addicted and obsessing about her even now? Is it the longing for idealization again or something to do w the intermittent love associated with the push-pull dynamic? I would like to understand the addiction better.

Thanks!

[Hisaccount]

I love what I was reading earlier about the dopamine. It made total sense to me.

Doesn't however ease the pain. We know all these things, how badly they treat us yet we can't stop wanting more.
They say it takes time. I hate that because I am just getting started.

I am 47 and I know exactly what you mean. Just wow it was so incredibly good and bad.
Funny how it can reduce anyone to a sobbing mess.

If we think of it like an diction, like smoking or alcohol it does make sense to start a recovery program.
I am co dependent as well I guess, there is a co dependency board that has basically a program like AA. It helps some, maybe some new distraction material for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

So here I am trying to break the addiction and wondering how she could b so cold and move on like it was nothing and not want any contact w me.

Because she has to.  A borderline is focused on attachments, because someone with the disorder doesn't have a fully formed self of their own, so they need to attach to someone to feel "complete" and "whole".  And BPD is a shame-based disorder, and facing the emotions she would have in relation to you would likely result in debilitating shame, so she just can't go there and has developed psychological tools that allow her to not go there as if nothing happened.  Speaking standard borderline here, apply as applicable, and we all do that to some extent, minimize the stuff that is painful to face and maximize the stuff that isn't, so we can carry on with our lives, but think about how difficult and painful it must be to need to develop tools that are equally strong to not feel it, so a borderline can live with themselves.  The severity of that gives us a hint as to the severity of the disorder and how painful it must be to live with it.

Why am I so addicted and obsessing about her even now? Is it the longing for idealization again or something to do w the intermittent love associated with the push-pull dynamic? I would like to understand the addiction better.

Great questions!  It may be helpful to separate her from those feelings, the addicting, obsessing, and longing.  She was the object of that, and borderlines, with their need to attach, get extremely good at finding those parts of us to attach to, the deepest parts, which is why it feels so amazing when it's good, and why it feels so bad when it doesn't.  But those feelings and those deepest parts of yourself are yours, you get to keep them, and they aren't her, so digging to find and identify those parts of you she got to can be very beneficial and enlightening as you detach.  And look at the 2nd stage of detachment over there ----------->
, the tack of feeling and looking at those things while also being slightly detached from them, we are not our feelings, we are something much bigger, and that way we can feel and experience them while staying grounded and centered in who we really are, without getting caught up in them.

What if you were right where you're supposed to be Duped?  You're doing well, here talking to us, good move, keep doing that, and take care of you!

[once removed]

So here I am trying to break the addiction and wondering how she could b so cold and move on like it was nothing and not want any contact w me.

... .

Why am I so addicted and obsessing about her even now?

this may have less to do with addiction, and more to do with a deep wound resulting from being abandoned in that way.

i recommend susan andersons "the journey from abandonment to healing". it gets to the heart of the very painful nature of some of our breakups, and has tools to process them.

what sorts of things are you obsessing about? it helps to talk.

[Duped 1]

Thanks Once Removed. I already am reading that book.

I obsess about everything her but I am especially disturbed about the cold, cruel discard, complete lack of empathy, her getting her kids involved-who does that?   Her being w another immediately when she said that would absolutely never happen many times, and that I was such a fool to fall for the lying pos and stay involved.

I also just can't comprehend that she's not grieving considering what we were to one another.

[Clearmind]

Why am I so addicted and obsessing about her even now? Is it the longing for idealization again or something to do w the intermittent love associated with the push-pull dynamic? I would like to understand the addiction better.

Often our relationship breakdowns reignite some of our own abandonment issues from childhood. My reasons for obsessing and entering a Borderline relationship to begin with had much to do with my childhood - I grew up with an alcoholic father and an enabling mother. I was very much like my mother in relationships given we learn our relationship skills from our parents. I chose abusive men like my father.

I felt abandoned as a child given my father was very emotionally absent.

We find our reasons for attaching. Your reasons may not be well known to you now however in time it will become clear. It was only until I stop thinking my ex and starting thinking about my own reasons did the healing truly begin - because - while i was hooked on the idea of what he "did to me" I didn't provide myself the space to really look at me.

I obsess about everything her but I am especially disturbed about the cold, cruel discard, complete lack of empathy, her getting her kids involved-who does that?   Her being w another immediately when she said that would absolutely never happen many times, and that I was such a fool to fall for the lying pos and stay involved.

I also just can't comprehend that she's not grieving considering what we were to one another.

Continue to read the book  . These types of questions will not mean as much to you once you process the book. Its very good.

[once removed]

I also just can't comprehend that she's not grieving considering what we were to one another.

this is hard, Duped 1. my relationship ended very similarly; come to find out the new relationship had been lined up for about two months before we broke up. our original breakup convo ended amicably enough until i signaled i accepted it, and the new relationship was thrown in my face. its likely when she told you she wanted to be single and work on herself, she was telling you the truth, in that moment. this is the rash, and impulsive nature of the disorder.

one of the hardest parts about detaching is seeing that generally speaking, we were on very different pages, experiencing things very differently, than our partners. often it remains the case post relationship. its difficult to come to terms with, given the closeness and trust we shared. it will take some time and work to process.

part of that process may involve anger at our trust being broken. its good to find healthy outlets for that anger. what are yours?

[Duped 1]

 its likely when she told you she wanted to be single and work on herself, she was telling you the truth, in that moment. this is the rash, and impulsive nature of the disorder.


I don't believe so. I think she was just plain lying again. I think she was already seeing the other guy and for sure already had him lined up. A week prior she was talking how she wanted to marry me. I felt she wanted to be with me but she had demonized me to her family so much that it became difficult. The complete cutoff is still crazy to me. She has a harsh, cold heart. I'll never understand

[once removed]

She has a harsh, cold heart. I'll never understand

its a disorder, Duped. digging into the clinical side of the disorder can help us understand (not excuse) the behaviors and depersonalize them, which can help us detach.

lining up someone else while telling you she wanted to marry you is a dysfunctional coping mechanism for someone who struggles mightily with relationships. sadly, it is also a common theme in the stories here. she grieves in a dysfunctional way, and yes, self centered way, and its understandably painful for you.

the book is great. this is really challenging stuff to come to terms with, i know. it should help.

[Portent]

As my psychologist said when I told him my wife wanted to hold off on the divorce. A borderline will not leave until they have someone else lined up. A borderline cannot be alone.

[nylonsquid]

Why am I so addicted and obsessing about her even now? Is it the longing for idealization again or something to do w the intermittent love associated with the push-pull dynamic?

Thanks!

Yes, just like a drug. You're made to feel incredible feelings and promises of an amazing future only to have that stolen from you without giving you good logic so you are left a little dizzy (confused) in the FOG and on a low (drug aftermath) and once you start fighting back or pulling away you are given treats (little reminders of what once was) to keep you hooked like a little dog getting treats. They cast a spell on us by offering candy and treats and showing a deceiving face of happiness only for us to see the mask fall off momentarily for us to see their true nature. Though their true nature is so hard to believe that we try to rationalize what is presented to us and we try to talk ourselves out of it and willingly diving in again to try to work things. That's when they know they still have control over you and the spell still works. As long as you keep coming back they will keep feeding you treats but you will never get the full image/promise you expect: A whole relationship built on trust and true intimacy.

[once removed]

They cast a spell

were we hypnotized by magicians or did we have a romantic relationship with people with traits of a personality disorder?

and if that romantic interaction was a drug, do we just stay away from the drugs, or do we want learn to detox, cope, rehabilitate?

[Duped 1]

As my psychologist said when I told him my wife wanted to hold off on the divorce. A borderline will not leave until they have someone else lined up. A borderline cannot be alone.

She was single for a few months prior to me but she was still talking to her ex boyfriend of 6 years at the time. Maybe she was still attached to him even until she started seeing me, even though she wasn't actually seeing him. As soon as she started with me she told him no more contact, just like she did to me in the end.

[nylonsquid]

were we hypnotized by magicians or did we have a romantic relationship with people with traits of a personality disorder?

and if that romantic interaction was a drug, do we just stay away from the drugs, or do we want learn to detox, cope, rehabilitate?

I'm not a fan of lumping their symptoms into a pile that's called BPD and saying they are good people but suffer from BPD. They are all one and the same. its not a cold they catch. They are symptoms of a traumatic experience that they feel shame about that they chose to suppress. Though in psychology you cannot suppress this "shadow self" without consequence. So the symptoms show up and they form a personality on an image that we fell for. The reason why we fell for this is exactly the reason for why they suppress. This new image is formed from the pain they want to get rid of so to say we want to get rid of one and keep the other is, I believe, a form of denial and will keep us stuck in what ifs and rationalizing their behavior into believing they are "good" and they suffer from this illness. They ARE the illness. Once I accepted that I realized I do actually like this person for everything they are including the deception and cheating but I know I deserve better so I refuse to stay enmeshed in relationship of constant chaos and pain. I know I deserve better. This is our way out.

Drug analogy: You can stay and learn from the drug. Drugs can be teachers but they can also ruin you. Get your hit, learn, move on.

Spell analogy: I've come to see they fit the witch archetype well. They deceive you with poisoned fruit because they want something from you and that is to maintain their self image by mirroring. Witches are obsessed with youth and their image in the mirror. The magic is the illusion you are given using the tool of the mirror which basically is reflecting who you are back to you. To defeat this power is to turn the mirror around so they can see themselves which would horrify them because they lack a core sense of self. They can only uphold an image through entrapment. This is how to do damage to them. To expose their their lies and to reveal to them their emptiness. Of course, if you think about this and think of yourself, you would ask why you would do something like that to someone you supposedly loved? And what would that say about you? And once you give them pain would you enjoy it and would that give you satisfaction?

The only way to defeat this thing is to not play the game. If you stay and try to win you are still playing the game and you will lose, they unfortunately set the rules. You cannot beat an expert deceiver: That who not only deceives another but also their self.