Introduction

[Mister Watson]

Coming to this site wasn't necessarily something I was planning on doing, but, due to rather unfortunate events, I feel I must speak my mind, and ask for advice, no matter how terrible I am at writing on online forums (my bad!)

I don't necessarily know how intros go, and if I'm supposed to go into specific detail about one thing and not the other, but, I'll give it a go!

My name is Bailey, I am eighteen, I am a non-binary man, and I am currently finding my sense of self.
Around three to four years ago, my mother was arrested on the side of a highway for having been under the influence while driving. My siblings and I, later on, went to live with my father, and have been living with him ever since.
It was there, that I began to realize that my mother was mentally ill. I began to ask my father about it, and he had told me of her having been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
I understood, and began to work on myself, and the relationships I had tarnished in the past due to heavy manipulation.
My mother, as I came to realize, had made it so my siblings and I had turned our backs on my father, and refused to speak with him, because we believed everything she had said. We lived in a small apartment, back before she was arrested, that was in poor condition.
She refused to pay rent, and, instead, spent it all on useless items, as well as sex toys for herself, rather than the food we needed, and the apartment we needed to live in. If it weren't for her having been arrested that one night, I can't help but wonder where I'd be now.

About three years later, I graduate from high school. I'm in college now, and am currently making progress on who I am as a person, as well as working with my emotions, my anger, and the occasional fights I may have with my siblings. My writing helps give me aid when it comes to these negative emotions, and I have personally grown in such a talent. I see the progress I have made, and am quite proud.
I even got the courage to come out as transgender to my father and step-mother this year. They're all so encouraging, as well as supportive.

My siblings, however, I fear, are falling, despite some of the progress that I see within them.
My eldest sister is currently living down in the south. She parties, is drinking, is seeing guys every other night, and recently suffered a miscarriage, of which she confided in me. But, she's living on her own, despite not having a job, and I'm happy that she's living down there, and is overall working on her anxiety and depression.

My youngest sister, is the bigger issue here.
She has anger issues. She still talks with my mother, and is currently blaming my father for everything that is happening, due to her being manipulated.
It is because of her, that I have joined this forum.
This night, we had a heavy dispute. She hit, and kicked me, and began to scream at both me and my father in the dead of night, wishing me dead, and saying that he ruined her life.
Her anger, is insatiable, and unending. My mother will not leave her be, and will continue to use her to further disrupt my family, as we have not seen her in quite some time.

I don't blame her for her anger. I don't blame my mother for what she does, as I understand quite clearly that it is her illness that is tainting her, and that she cannot help it. I forgive her. I forgive the both of them.
But I'm at a loss on what to do. My youngest sister will continue to stay angry and confused, will continue to refuse therapy, and will not work on herself as I have done me.
I am unsure if I should let time work this out as it has done for me. This isn't healthy, and I don't want this sort of life for my sisters, so I'm reaching out.
Dealing with this is exhausting, but I've been exhausted before. Looking up advice on my own from Google isn't doing me good (clearly) so I've come to people with similar experiences with borderline personality disorder.

Any thoughts?

[Janneke]

Hi, MisterWatson. I'm also pretty new here and I don't have a ton of advice except the fact that your sibling hit and kicked you is a huge red flag  that is not okay!

It is unlikely that time will work things out :-(

I know the forum moderators will be able to say more to help you. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

It sounds like right now you are perhaps home for winter break?
J

[Notwendy]

Hi Mr. Watson,

I'll be a bit parental here and tell you to focus on doing well in your studies and career plans. College was a most important step for me to become financially self sufficient, and then out of my BPD mother's control. Living in her home was living under her rule. She controlled every penny my father might have wanted to give me- including college tuition- which I wasn't always sure would be there ( depending on her moods). I did as much as I could to not rely on them financially through jobs.

Many college kids spend time partying, and other activities in college. It was also a time of personal growth for me, but I knew it was my step to independence- and I needed to be independent of them.

I also made use of the campus counseling center. I didn't know about BPD at the time, but I did know something was wrong- and I wanted to deal with the situation in how I grew up.

Relationships- friendships, romantic,  were confusing to me in college. I didn't have a role model for what a healthy relationship was. Having a BPD parent does affect how we relate to others, but this isn't destiny or depressing- it is an opportunity to make personal changes in order to have emotionally healthy relationships. The college counseling center can help you work on these as well.

Both dysfunction and emotionally healthy relationships can occur regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. It is worth working on ourselves so that our relationships can be a positive thing in our lives- with whoever we choose to have a relationship with. I think it is also important to know who we are, what our values are, what we are seeking in another person. I don't think most college kids know this yet- some do, some don't. It is good that you recognize that you are still trying to figure some of this out.

Sometimes we children of PBD mother's have an uneven development ourselves. I was in some ways- expected to be more mature by my young teens and help with my mother. On the other hand, I missed out on what it was like to be a more carefree teen and to have the emotional support of a mother. By college- I felt more mature than my peers in some ways and in some other ways, less.

While you are naturally concerned about your siblings, there isn't much you can do beyond being a loving sibling to them. If they are to deal with their own issues- they have to be motivated to help themselves. You can't do this work for them- you can do it for you. It is important to stay safe and not accept abuse- physical or emotional. Do not allow your sister to hit you. I hope you have a safe place to go- friend's house? if you feel unsafe.

College is a time when young people seek to find a sense of self- but completing your degree and becoming employed is the path to becoming your independent self. Making the most of the opportunity you have to prepare for future employment ( do well in your major, seek out internships, consider careers) is a vital step to becoming a mature adult. Although you care about your family- as they say on an airplane- put your oxygen mask on first-. before you can help someone else. Investing in yourself- taking steps for you- to become a stable adult-will place you in the best position to help someone else if you choose.

[Mister Watson]

Thank you both for your words of reassurance, as well as the advice given. It has helped me understand things more clearly, despite the journey itself not having ended.
I will most definitely work on myself more than I already have, especially when it comes to college.
You're absolutely right. I want to grow into someone who has a secure job, a great source of financial income, and I wish for this to all end in doing so. And, as you have mentioned, I will most definitely be there for both siblings as they try and work themselves out. It's just disconcerting to know I can't help them in the way I would like, but if that's what it takes, then I'm glad to be doing so
As far as the physical abuse, I believe I can handle that in the future, I hope. I know she doesn't necessarily mean all the things she says and does, and perhaps this part of her will leave, once she has figured things out on her own?
But nonetheless, thank you both Your words have helped tremendously!

(and yes, I'm home from winter break!)

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Mister Watson:
I'm so sorry about your situation with your mom and siblings.  You have had a tough time growing up.  I have to commend you on the work you have done on yourself, and the progress you have made.  Writing things out can be very therapeutic.

My mother, as I came to realize, had made it so my siblings and I had turned our backs on my father, and refused to speak with him. We believed everything she had said.  .  .  .My youngest sister, is the bigger issue here.  She has anger issues. She still talks with my mother, and is currently blaming my father for everything that is happening.

People with BPD tend to do a lot of blaming and lying.  You might find the article below interesting:
Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

This night, we had a heavy dispute. She hit, and kicked me, and began to scream at both me and my father in the dead of night, wishing me dead, and saying that he ruined her life.  Her anger, is insatiable, and unending. My mother will not leave her be, and will continue to use her to further disrupt my family, as we have not seen her in quite some time.   

It is not okay for you sister to get physical.  It is best to have a plan in place on how you would handle the situation, should it happen again.  The "Safety First" article below should have some helpful information, as well as the article on "Boundaries"

SAFETY FIRST
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

The articles below should be helpful in learning NOT to argue and how to avoid unhealthy drama triangles with family members.  You want to use the healthy triangle model.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

BPD can be genetic, environmental or both.  It is common for people with BPD to have other mental problems, such as anxiety problems, depression, bipolar, etc. Your younger sister is likely dealing with BPD or BPD traits on some level.

You can't change you sister, only the way you interact and react to her.  Using some specific communication tools can make things easier for you.  The communication tools on this website can be helpful in every day life and help develop your emotional IQ (EQ).

Click on the links below to get to some of the basic communication tools that can be helpful:

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

SET

WISE MIND

I've given you a lot of links.  Take things a topic at a time, and don't let it overwhelm you.  It can be helpful for you to bookmark the lessons, when you first read them.  (and perhaps make a special folder for them).  You will find that helpful, so that you can get back to them and study them.  Most all the strategy takes time and practice to master.

Check out the lessons and let us know what you think.  This is a safe place to share and gain input along the way, as you try using some skills.

Best wishes, 

[Mister Watson]

Thank you very much for the links presented, I will look through them thoroughly and consistently!
I am off for a month for winter break, and I do hope to make some progress in understanding, and healing, my family's way of life. I understand this won't necessarily happen within the month given, but at least some progress will be made!
Again, thank you very much for all your help!

[Notwendy]

I think it will help to understand the issues in your family and your family dynamics- particularly how to diffuse the drama between you and them.

It is clear that you love your family and care about them. You don't have to completely disengage from them. However, taking care of yourself is very important. It isn't possible to fill someone else's emotional needs- it is important to take care of ours.

I want to encourage you again to make the most of the resources at your college. Most colleges have career centers/advising where students can get advice about future careers and the steps they need to take to get there. Even if you aren't sure yet, doing well in your classes is paramount. Good grades and teacher recommendations are the doorway to internships, jobs, grad schools. College counseling centers are very familiar with students' concerns at this age- becoming independent of their families, dealing with family dysfunction, and I think many of them also have counselors experienced in supporting students who are discovering their gender identity and sexual orientation.

I'm a bit older than you are, and I care about my family members, but college was my path to being independent of them. I also found that although they are my family by relation, because of their own issues, I needed to seek my own "family" and support system through friends and sometimes counseling. Colleges are such great opportunities to find this- student groups, living with peers. There are challenges too- but so many ways to grow as a person. You can be happy and productive- even if your family members may be struggling.

[Mister Watson]

I will most definitely look into what the college has to offer, as far as counseling and guidance goes. I didn't necessarily think about all of that until now, and I am quite thankful that you brought it to my attention!
Internships are what I'm planning on looking into in the future, as well. I already know a wonderful guy, the father of my close friend, who is in the field I am going into, so hopefully that well set me on the right track, as well!
Progress will most definitely be made, and I will be sure to share it. In these past couple of days, I already (truly) feel enlightened.
Thank you

[Fie]

Hello Mister Watson,
Please keep posting when you feel that you are struggling. You are not alone, there are always people here to help you.
So when times get difficult, just open up a new thread.
Be well !