Feeling not so good and I don't really know why

[Fie]

Hello

I thought I’d ask the advice of you guys, since I find myself a little confused, and I don’t even know why.
I will try to explain. Maybe some of you already kind of know a little bit my life story, and my past probably has a lot to do with what I am feeling now. My mum is BPD, I am NC with my FOO because of that. My beloved grandma died this summer, I still have one grandma alive and although we had a wonderful relation until last Christmas, I don’t visit anymore since she started dysregulating (BPD).
I have a lovely kid who’s 8. I am separated since a long time and coparenting with her (autist ?) dad, and that has been going very well lately. I didn’t have a relationship since after the split with my BPD ex (2 years ago). I have been concentrating on healing from my past since.  The  BPD time with my ex was terrible, but at the same time it helped me grow immensely, since it was a catalyst for discovering the truth about  my FOO, and also I have been working on my codependency issues since then. I have been able to get rid of a lot of unhealthy tendencies.

Most of the days I find myself grateful for what I have. I grieve the loss of a mum I never had, and I miss my deceived grandparents a lot. But mainly life is quite beautiful. The relationship with my kid is in one word wonderful. I also have a few great friends.

Lately however I find that I tend to have lesser moods. I would not call it depression, since I have very good moments too. But I notice that I worry over things I should not worry about.
F.e. I had a problem with the mother of a friend of my daughter. She has certain expectations for when her kid comes to play at our house : we should stay inside and not go out. She also made some in se harmless comment and since then I am worried about not being a good mother. I know that I should not live for my kid alone, and I too should have a life. So I am doing exactly that.  F.e. I invite a friend and we do something together with our kids. So we have a good time, and our children can play together. But because of a harmless disagreement and comment I am starting to feel guilty about things like that, about having a life of my own and not only living for my daughter. Rationally I know I should not let things get to me like that. Yet, I am doing exactly that. I also feel guilty because my kid pointed out I should not fight with the mum of her friend, since I already am NC with my family, I do not need to pick extra fights with people.  She’s only a child and does not fully understand the dynamics of my FOO, and still I feel like a difficult person after this remark of my kid.

There is more :-). I have very recently met this very nice man. This is quite good because it happens exactly at a timing where I have been feeling open to start meeting someone again.
But there is the catch. I have met this person only twice. I know he’s interested, and we are supposed to meet again. I do not want to meet him again very soon,  because I want to take things slow. I know I sometimes proceeded too fast in the past, so I want to do it right this time. I want to first see if I really like him before it goes any further. I also do not want to be the one pursuing him, since I have always had tendencies to fall for people who were quite passive. Than I could step in saving them (codependency issues ;-)).  We met last saturday, and we met again the Thursday after that. Since than, we sent a few occasional messages back and forth, and that’s that. With my brain, I know this is the right thing to do, and I would not want it any other way.
But my emotions are telling me : ‘this is a passive guy again, he won’t take initiative, just drop it and move on’. My brain is answering : ‘he is doing exactly the thing you want and not proceeding too fast’. Then my emotions : ‘he could at least tell me : let’s meet in one or two weeks time’.


I realize I am ruminating. I just don’t know how to stop. Any advice ?  O and I know that it's almost Christmas and this can be a rather difficult time, but that's not it. This will be the first time I celebrate Christmas without my FOO, but I am fine with that.

Thanks to anyone who has read this far. I have come to realize that being on these boards has been very supportive for me. I have recently traveled for some weeks. In the last week I got a bit homesick and part of the reason I was happy to be home again was that I could read and write here again  :-)

[Notwendy]

Hi Fie-

When I start feeling like this- ruminating, feeling uneasy- I see this as time for some self care. I think some of us tend to not want to feel our feelings- but they may be telling us something.

How you wish to live your life is for you to choose. I think it is great to want to be a good parent. It's also important to not be a co-dependent parent. Yet if you are an introverted person and don't wish to socialize a lot- that is OK too. I do think it is important to have things we do just for us- a hobby, a self care routine, friends.

I think you are wise to proceed with caution in relationships- friendships or romantic. There is a theory that our FOO's influence who we choose to be close to- particularly our romantic partners. It is because if we learned dysfunction growing up- then a relationship with someone who matches that dysfunction can feel familiar and comfortable to us. How do we change that? By working on ourselves to change that dysfunction- then we will match with people who are then less dysfunctional in that way.

If you somehow feel uncomfortable around the mother of your child's friend-then pay attention to that. Invite other mothers and kids to visit as well. Take these relationships slowly as well.

As to this man- pay attention to your feelings about this. They are your warning signs- are you feeling a need to rescue? Is he taking things slow or being too passive?  Time will tell on this one. One book I read " He's not that into you" ( there was a movie that didn't have the same message as the book exactly)- made an interesting point. That in dating, we women tend to assume that a guy is incapable of making that phone call to us. Yet, these are grown men who hold jobs, take care of themselves: they know how to pick up the phone and if they want something- they know how to go about trying to get it. I don't place a lot of truth in pop books and I realize this isn't the old times where women had to be passive- but I did like the message about how we should not assume that a grown man somehow can't call us. He can. So I think you can assume that- if he is not a passive man- he will do what he wants. ( and if he is a passive man and you don't want that- then let it go if he doesn't call you). At any rate - I agree with you that taking things slow in any relationship is wise.

[Fie]

thank you, Notwendy,
Your reply means a lot to me.

When I start feeling like this- ruminating, feeling uneasy- I see this as time for some self care.

Thanks for sharing this. I do notice I feel guilty lately when I do things for myself.

If you somehow feel uncomfortable around the mother of your child's friend-then pay attention to that. Invite other mothers and kids to visit as well. Take these relationships slowly as well.

I can see your point. I don't really invite the mother, only the child. But the mother wants to impose her rules (stay inside when my child visits, don't go grocery shopping even). As much as I respect her view on this, I cannot follow her rule and I told her that if her child visits, it's under my conditions. The friends of my daughter come over to play a lot. I like doing things together with my kid, and if some friend of her joins us, that doens't bother me. Also sometimes I need to do grocery shopping.

In my FOO I was never allowed to express my opinion, and my boundaries were crossed all of the time. Over the years I have learned that it is important for me to recognize my own boundaries, and act according to them. Since then I have also become aware that everyone is different, and I respect others opinions a lot more than before, because I realize that there is not one truth, but everyone has his own.
The mother of the kid did not respect my opinion when I told her : I understand you, but *if* your daughter comes to play, it's my rules because my house.
I struggle with this situation, because expressing my opinion is the only way I can feel I can be authentic. I also do not think I was impolite expressing my view. Still the mother had a rather strong reaction.

At moments like that I start thinking : should I become the old me again ? Not expressing my view on things ? And maybe even complying and staying inside when people expect me to ?
I also struggle immensely when my daughter is telling me she's sad because this one friend cannot come over to play anymore because her mum won't let her anymore.

I know this probably sounds a bit silly and it is only one example. But things like this keep me busy at night ... .

[Notwendy]

I think you did great with that mom- but the two of you may not be compatible. I think it is reasonable to expect a certain safety when a child goes to play at another child's home, but too many stringent requirements seem controlling to me. I don't think it is a good idea to take two toddlers to the grocery store- I don't think I'd want to be responsible for someone else's toddler- as they do things like stand in the cart, want to run around, but taking two 8 year olds to the store is safe and manageable. Also- if it is nice outdoors and the yard is safe- playing isn't a problem. Sounds to me like this mother has some anxiety- that she wants to be the one to watch her child in public. Makes sense as the news reports some horrible things. Ironically- while you feel anxious around her- she may be making these requirements due to her own anxiety. It isn't your rule, but for now, she makes the rules for her child.

Standing up for yourself is a good thing. However, this other mother has choices too. She may only let her child play where she has control. This may upset your daughter, but 8 year olds are not mothers and don't understand this. One agreement if the girls want to play is to have then play at the other child's home. While a back and forth play dates is the usual agreement, if this is how the mother feels, then her home may be the compromise.

I think discrepancies between parents is common. I have had parents who don't agree with me on what level movie ( G, PG, PG13) is OK. One parent who told me not to let their kid get dirty ( and they were playing outdoors) and my kids have played in homes where things I didn't allow were allowed. I think it's a learning experience for both moms and kids to see different families. It is in our homes that we set the standards and values that we want to teach- and always safety first, but it is probably impossible to control the environment of someone else's home.

[Kwamina]

Hi Fie

I pretty much agree with everything Notwendy has said so I can focus on something else

O and I know that it's almost Christmas and this can be a rather difficult time, but that's not it. This will be the first time I celebrate Christmas without my FOO, but I am fine with that.

But it's also the first Christmas since your beloved grandmother died this summer. Do you feel like you've been able to mourn this loss? You are fine not having your FOO around this Christmas, but how does it make you feel not having your beloved grandmother around either?

One thing I too want to say about that other mother is that yes it's her child so it is understandable that she's concerned about her child's well-being, yet she also needs to recognize that it's your house and in your house you make the rules and nobody else. Now she might not like that, but she too has options, she can decide not to bring her daughter over anymore and that's fine too. It doesn't even matter who's rules are 'better', she needs to understand that she cannot impose her rules onto you. She can talk to you and perhaps try to compromise, but trying to impose her rules is a definite red flag. She seems a bit controlling to be honest with her shoulds and should nots and considering that, her harmless comment might actually not be that harmless at all.

Recently Sunfl0wer made a very good comment about how we children of BPD parents immediately start thinking that we are the problem. However, in reality other people have issues too and your discomfort might say less about your own issues and more about that other mother's issues (anxiety and projecting anxiety, controlling etc.).

[Harri]

Hi Fie.  How are you doing today?

It seems like this is a busy transition period for you.  Lots of changes, big and little, as you settle further into co-parenting with your ex, managing your feelings with your mother, dealing with the grief about your g-ma, holiday stress (even if it is a happy time for you), traveling and the man friend... .not to mention all the regular daily stuff that goes on.  So, there is lots of stuff going on that can make you feel a bit wobbly or down.  It is okay.  It will pass.  Posting about this is a great way to handle this too.

I am always hesitant to talk to parents about kid issues as i am not a parent and do not have kids... .but I feel like a kid alot so I can relate that way!  and I am only partly kidding on that.  So when I read what your daughter said about not fighting with that mother especially because of your relationship with your FOO, I know if it was said to me, I would feel less than and feel bad that here is yet another example of me not getting along with other people.  :)efinitely a remnant of FOO issues for me.  Another thing tho, is that she used the word fight.  I still have to remind myself that a word like fight is not the same as disagreement, difference of opinion, discussion, etc.   Each of those words mean different things and have different degrees of feelings that I associate with them, but in my mind, anything that is not 100% pleasant and peaceful and agreeing, is a fight!  I don't know if I am making sense.  Hard to find the words.  Was it a fight or was it simply a disagreement about how to handle visits and the other mother got a bit out of line?  :)ifferent from fighting, right?  Maybe remind yourself of the differences?  I can hear a voice in my head saying "quit arguing about semantics" but semantics is important!  Especially around emotionally charged terms, at least charged for me.  :)oes this make sense?

Grrr... .if only I had Notwendy's and Kwamina's ability to explain stuff!  I am sitting here typing while saying stuff like 'ya know' and making hand gestures to explain what I mean.  My keyboard does not allow me to type in hand gestures, but I swear if you were here it would make more sense... .or at least make you laugh.

 

[P.F.Change]

Hey, Fie 

Thanks for reaching out and giving us a chance to work through some of this with you. My gut reaction when reading your subject line and the beginning of your post was that maybe it will be helpful for you to study your thoughts a little bit--try and detach a little bit from the emotions they bring for a minute and just see what they are. This happens to me sometimes too, where I am just in a "lesser" mood and I don't know why. Spending some time looking at the events in my life, the thoughts I am having, and identifying the emotions I am having helps. Oftentimes, as you mentioned, it's a signal to me I need to look at my boundaries or, like Notwendy said, take steps for better self-care. I can see you are already doing some of that introspection. That's good. 

I think this might be the most succinct summary of your post:

I know that I should not... .

One thing I will challenge you to do is to remove the word "should" from your vocabulary. It is a judgmental thought, so no wonder it is making you feel guilty. You are not allowing yourself to feel what you feel. What would it be like to say, "You know what, I feel worried right now. I feel anxious right now. That is ok, it is just an emotional state." Then, once you accept your current emotional state, you can look at what might be causing it, where it is coming from.

You also touch on a difference I notice sometimes between my rational mind and my automatic emotional response. Your mind knows it is okay to have your own boundaries and do things your way in your home. It knows that not everyone will agree about the best way to do things, and that we can make our own choices. But your automatic response seems to be to criticize yourself and feel shame. Your rational mind knows your daughter is 8 and doesn't fully understand; yet your emotional response says you're a disappointing mother. So that's where I'd start looking--where did you learn to start feeling ashamed when you tried to assert your own self? (you know this one  ) Where did you learn not to trust your own judgment? Where did you learn to believe that you shouldn't do things for yourself? Can you catch those responses, accept that you feel them, and then say, "Oh, that's just the way I learned respond because of [... .]. I know other ways now. I'm a good person/mother/friend, and it's ok to speak for myself."

Every family is different, and we don't always agree on the same set of values. My kids have had friendships with children whose parents have very different ways of doing things than we do. In general, I think that's ok, and it's good for my kids to see that all parents get to choose what we think is best for our families. We can respect other and still choose for our children what fits our values. I think it's good to communicate with other parents about that, and I don't feel bad when I need to say no. We've had just one or two instances where it's come to hard feelings, but it's not the norm.

In terms of your dating life, I think you've got some wisdom for yourself about how to change your previous patterns. It's good to take things slow, and I also like that you have decided not do all the work in terms of getting a relationship going. To me, it sounds like a good pace for the early stages of a friendship or relationship. You've seen each other twice in as many weeks, and spoken in between. I also think it's okay to practice being assertive about what you want and expect, especially once you get past another date or two. You can say you like how things are going or you'd like to try something different.

For ruminating--I'd ask myself what I'm getting out of it. We do everything for a reason. A lot of times I ruminate as a means to comfort myself; it's a coping mechanism I learned very early. So, it might signal to me that I need comfort, and I can look for other ways to do that, either on my own or from my spouse or friend. I also used to ruminate a lot about things that made me anxious, and then I realized it was as if I was addicted to that adrenaline or fear response. That  was helpful because then when I saw those thoughts I could say "Yeah, I don't need to feel anxious anymore. I'm safe now," and focus on feeling relaxed and peaceful. So I don't know what it is for you, but maybe see if you can figure out what you're using the rumination for, and if there might be other approaches that would be more helpful to you. Doing things that help me bring awareness back to the physical (sensory activities) is a strategy that helps me restore balance, too.

  PF

[Fie]

Thank you Notwendy for validating my feelings and for telling me those things I actually knew myself but didn't allow myself to believe. Just as P.F. Change pointed out, it is sometimes difficult for me to trust my own opinion.

Thanks P.F. Change for reminding me of where that lack of trust comes from. I will try to keep that in mind when again a situation would occur where I don't trust my own judgement. You also made a very interesting remark about checking in which situations I start ruminating.

You are right Harri about this being a quite busy transition period for me. I just hope the big changes are done for now. I guess we never know what life will bring, but right now I could do with some less stormy waters  :-)
I understood what you meant about the difference between a fight and a discussion f.e. I even brought it up to my child and we talked about it.
Btw you really made me laugh with your comment on your keyboard not being able to make hand gestures. Imagine  :-)

Kwamina, your question about if I have had the ability to mourn my grandma made me think. I guess the answer is both yes and no ... .I think mourning this loss will take more time than the time I have had so far. Thank you for bringing this under my attention as I had not thought about it yet. I also like the quote from Sunflower about us children of BPD parents immediately start thinking that we are the problem.

So ... .thank you so much to all of you. I appreciate so much the time and effort you took for making me feel better - because you did, really.