Coming to the conclusion that she cheated on me - I'm angry

[Shedd]

After reading more up on BPD on this site, and coming to the conclusion that she cheated on me.  I am SO PISSED.   Today would be our 2 year anniversary and I don't even care!

We worked together when we first met.  She got a new job, but she still kept the job with me on the weekends.  When she first broke up with me she said, "I've been thinking about men."

When she first confronted me about this I said, "Why is there someone that you work with that you like?"  I knew this would happen when she got another job! I can't believe she allowed me to discard all of my gut feelings! It seems like all my gut feelings were really true... It's making me so upset right now realizing that.

She said she didn't like anyone at her job... .But how can I believe that is true, when she said she had been thinking about men? All of her coworkers were men! Except for one!  I can't believe her!

She always claimed it was her coworker doing cheating on her husband, making out on the couch.  When they went to Chicago for a shoot (she worked as a producer for commercials) she told me it was some random guy that wanted to kiss her at the bar.  

It wasn't some random guy at the bar! IT WAS ONE OF HER COWORKERS.  

That's ultimitaley why she had to leave that job! She said it was because of her BPD.  I mean when we broke up she went to the hospital 4 times because of me.  So she said she couldn't risk doing that to her job! But the reason was also because she couldn't handle feeling bad around that person there! If she is so happy as she claims to be now... .Why wouldn't she go back there to that dream job? Especially if she is better?

She kept telling me how her female coworker was cheating on her husband with one of the guys there, but was it really her? It was my ex that was doing the cheating, was it? She made this whole elaborate story about how she was so upset with the cheating... WOW.  She is a filmmaker so she's a good storyteller.

Omg it's just all making so much sense now.  My love walls for her are falling down and everything is becoming clearer.

Question is.  Am I just overthinking this all, or is my gut feeling true?

The world may never know.

[nylonsquid]

Your gut feeling is true and your mind (/ego) is trying to find every evidence that you could be wrong to make you doubt yourself and rationalize. Ultimately, as humans, we know on a gut level. I swear the gut is always right with me. Listen to your gut. It is one whole organ complete with neurons so its a mind on its own that is not divided up into hemispheres like the brain which is designed for reasoning which requires a back and forth to assimilate new information. Your gut knows the truth and doesn't know how to rationalize or go back and forth. its just either right or not right.

To add, I know you're asking details but you already know that something happened so I think regardless of actual details (actual sex) it is still a betrayal with unhealthy responses on her part. If you can accept that, power to you. If it pains you then this is how you will be living with her. It is up to you ultimately.

[Shedd]

If you can accept that, power to you. If it pains you then this is how you will be living with her. It is up to you ultimately.

I guess I have to just accept it and move on.  It makes me so sad because I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again.  I don't believe there is such thing as a healthy relationship, and it just seems like everyone cheats on everyone else. 

I am kind of sick to my stomach because if my gut is right then she did sleep with this married guy at my work too. 

He brought her name up and I'm not sure how he would even know who she is.  He works on the truck and grocery.  When she works in the backroom.  I don't understand how he could even have an interaction with her unless he was determined to get to know her because of how beautiful she is.  I don't know how I am going to be able to stand to see him at work. 

I know this must have happened after our break up, but if my gut is right.  It hurts.  It hurts really bad.  I'm still trying to accept it and move on, but I have no faith in humanity.

[nylonsquid]

I guess I have to just accept it and move on.  It makes me so sad because I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again.  I don't believe there is such thing as a healthy relationship, and it just seems like everyone cheats on everyone else. 

I am kind of sick to my stomach because if my gut is right then she did sleep with this married guy at my work too. 

He brought her name up and I'm not sure how he would even know who she is.  He works on the truck and grocery.  When she works in the backroom.  I don't understand how he could even have an interaction with her unless he was determined to get to know her because of how beautiful she is.  I don't know how I am going to be able to stand to see him at work. 

I know this must have happened after our break up, but if my gut is right.  It hurts.  It hurts really bad.  I'm still trying to accept it and move on, but I have no faith in humanity.

So sorry to hear about your pain. There's a strong desire for justice in us because of how wronged and betrayed we feel. Its a good place to sit with the anger and try to understand why we fell for such people. To sit with the anger (the roaring lion) and figure out where it comes from. With understanding it will subside. But you definitely have to sit with your anger and feel it out. What you're doing is good because you're expressing it in words here.

From my experience I played the BPD game and realized I can never win it because its their rules. I had to learn how to stop playing and trying to one up by figuring it out and just help myself. I believe this is the biggest justice we can do for ourselves: to save ourselves because we and they can't save them.

[Shedd]

From my experience I played the BPD game and realized I can never win it because its their rules.

I thought I had won a couple times in our relationship.  She went to the hospital because I was going to go on a date (which I realize I should have just done) she threatened suicide on me so I dropped the date and went to her apartment.  

After she got out of the hospital from that I was laying in bed with her.  I said ":)id I pass your tests?" She nodded and we made love that night.  

I guess I've just been wanting to prove to her so bad that there are good people in the world.  Since she claims to hate all people, ( I think BPDs make peope feel special because of this, but they only want you to cling onto and forget about everyone else) but she's one of the bad people that make this world terrible! She always claimed she was a hypocrite.  I should have saw that red flag and ran. I hate hypocrites.  

Silly me for trying to love someone so unloveable.  I have always been attracted to evil characters in movies and t.v. shows and my heart went out to them for their struggles.  Especially if they're portrayed as wronged.  

Now whenever red flags come up.  I am running, running far away.  I don't need to prove myself to anyone to prove there is good in the world.  I know I am a good person.

[Rayban]

Being devalued, knowing she was disordered, trying to change her behaviour and of course her knowing all this as BPD's are able to read people.

I was playing games with her, as I thought I could be with her and remain detached and it backfired. She would drop hints about different guys she was interacting with, and it's those conversations that led me to ruminate on who she slept and might of slept with. In the end my anger comes from the fact that I could have been out of that relationship months before and saved myself a world of pain.  I stuck around and she hurt me for that.  It's no coincidence and should be an indicator to;

A) devaluation is in place, and that she's grooming a new attachment  or reconnected with an ex.

B) It's the ultimate push

C) wish I would have listened to my gut and walked.

[Shedd]

Being devalued.

Do we as humans like to be devalued? But then we are fascinated by trying to prove our worth?  Like we know we can do anything when we are in love!

That was my thinking.  Whenever I am extremely happy and in love.  I can basically do anything, but normally when I'm not in this situation I am crippled by anxiety and fear to do anything. 

Love is weakness or strength?

[butters]

To the OP... .

yeah, i had similar stories... how awful people were for cheating... .even though she cheated on everyone

strange request about somrone wanting her to take her coat off on a night out when i wasnt around ( revealing top underneath)... think she wanted muy permission or some crazy ___... .her behaviour just wasnt nomral. my spider sense tingled but i ignored it all the ttime. So much stuff.


Know that it was because of her that she cheated... .nothing you did wrong. My BPD 'cheated' on someone she didnt even feel attracted to... .she just needed the attention/drug. God i hate her.