Second Guessing Myself After Years of No Contact

[jp254958]

First of all, it's my fault.  I looked her up online and checked.

It's been four years.  I am doing very well.  But seeing the ex - now with a new boyfriend - playing in her little mini band with him.  It got me really upset.  I think she's been with him for a few years.

Was I wrong about her?  I looked back on some of my prior posts to remind me of who she was and what her actions were (pasted below).  But if she has been in a relationship, and appears to be doing well, was I simply wrong about her? 

I know life isn't fair, but it just doesn't seem fair.  I've been single for years, with a few brief relationships.  I may be childish for this comment, but I feel it:  I am mad that she has a relationship and I don't.  I am mad she is out playing in a band with this guy who took my place, and I have done years of inventory and don't have much to show for it relationship wise.  I love and care for myself - and I feel good most of the time - and I'm grateful for that.  But this shock of seeing her just really upset me.  I shouldn't care, but I do.  And I'm hurt, mad, and wish there was some kind of fairness in the world.



Things she did when she was wrong or abusive... .

1) denial that she did anything wrong

2) turned arguments around on me

3) threatened to and/or actually broke up with me

4) dissociated where she became like a zombie with an emotionless face and would just stare into the abyss of nothingness. She would be completely unreachable emotionally or rationally. She had virtually no memory retention.  She refused to be touched or hug. She made no sense and spoke in some kind of word salad and would contradict herself in the very same sentence.  She also often spoke in a monotone voice, or a very childlike voice (sort of like a 3 year old being scolded)

5) name calling

6) cold, aloof comments conveying how little I meant to her

7) walking out or running away

8) all sorts of emotional abuse

9) gaslighting - trying to distort history or past events so she could avoid being wrong or feeling shame

10) screaming, rage, or intense and disproportionate anger

11) responding “I don't know" all the time when asked to explain what she was feeling or why she said something abusive, etc.

12) refusing to acknowledge reality

13) changing the subject if she was “cornered" into why she was wrong

14) not responding / silence / silent treatment

15) severe hypersensitivity

16) accusations of my hypocrisy

17) devaluing / demonizing me

18) talking in circles / repeating the same argument when it was already “disproved"

19) during our very last argument when I said she couldn't walk out on me or our problems anymore, she pushed me me, severely biting me, and smeared me to people with false accusations of domestic violence

20) she was an embarrassment in social situations such as parties / public places; she ruined my birthday

[Hisaccount]

I have those same questions and fears.
You know it really doesn't matter. It may not feel like it, but how they are now is not how they were with us.

With us they will be the same as they were.

I know what you mean though, I fear that if my ex is successful then that means everything she said about it being all my fault would be true right?

Reality is, they will fail again, and again. We cannot see what their lives are really like, we can only see what they want us to see.

There is justice in the universe. Don't beat yourself up. You have done the right thing by staying away and protecting yourself.

[Pretty Woman]

I am going to echo Hissaccount and add this... .

Don't think she's changed or different. Her personality IS her personality. IF she did all those things to you she is not changing for the next. It's all about control and boundaries or lack thereof. Your replacement may have less boundaries than you and that is why it's "working".

Less boundaries may produce slightly less conflict but it involves being controlled by your ex. Would you want that?

I've been where you are. My ex left me two years ago and never looked back, acts like my replacement is the best thing ever.

I have finally gotten to this... .

We did NOT work. Being in a relationship with this person totally and completely sucked.  I was a shell of myself when I was with her.

Do I get lonely not being in a long term relationship? Sure. Am I jealous of my replacement? I was but I'm not anymore. If they "work" that saves a bunch of other unwitting people getting sucked into her vortex.

Try not to compare your life to hers and DONT base what you see on FB as accurate... .it's only part of the story.

Chin up, Friend!   We all have these days and you are doing great!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jp, Photos are deceiving, particularly FB photos.  They don't tell you anything about what it's like "behind the scenes" and in my experience the most outrageous BPD behavior occurs behind closed doors, where no one else can witness it.  So don't kid yourself.  She's still all those things you listed, and more.  Suggest you be grateful for being out of the toxic BPD soup!  You have the ability to move on; she, on the other hand, will always have BPD.

LuckyJim

[Hisaccount]

Anyone else ever watch a really sappy movie and wonder where they are 5 years from now?

I mean yeah it is a movie and fake but some people really believe in the fairy tale.

So take a love story and update 5 years from now. I bet they are as miserable as the rest of us but we never get to see that.
 

[Dutched]

I understand but really don’t beat yourself up, it is the face that is familiar, only the face.

It gave you in fact a good wake-up call as you summarized that hurtful behaviour, that’s her too.  
That was the real situation you were in, day after day, despite the good days, despite your love and care, dreams etc. But it wore you down.
Really, others were spot on already, living behind a facade, ‘which outgoing mask shall I choose today’…

Have a look at member Turkish, who have to interact with his ex because of the kids. Read how the r/s of ex already falls apart. Same behaviour. Have a look at member JerryRG, same.

Little background
First I blocked exw and my own visibility on social media.
After a 3 decades r/s, I am still occasionally in contact with intimae. Exw is unaware and they (intimae) certainly keep it that way (the subject of exw only pops up now and then). Exw (mid 50) living together with an old bloke (mr Onslow type) of end 60.

Needed to be in contact for (then) S, so had to see her.
Her eyes were hollow, empty, plain dead. Not the woman I knew any more. But yes it was hurtful to see.
A 4 yrs. later, exw sitting at a table of a pub, suddenly waved to me (feeling ‘strong’ with her old bloke next to her).
Bluntly approached her, which caused anxiety with exw, but… relying on her old bloke (who let her down…)
Same:  Her eyes were hollow, empty, plain dead. Exw was slim, now was skin over bones.

Intimae showed me pictures, fakebook ones. Holiday, gatherings… nice… skin and bones, happy face (fake smile -> google for facial expressions) and those hollow eyes, empty, plain dead.
The last one I saw? Mind you, specially posing…
I recognised the slim 18yr. old girl I once met, not in any way the woman I lived with for years.
The facial expression wasn’t even more a make believe… Eyes plain dead by now.
 
Behind the scenes (limited view intimae have), even on (family) gatherings certain friction / tension is shown.
His behaviour is offending, rude and just plane not done. Exw excusing for him… (gives her a deep shameful feeling, so afterwards lashing out I think…).
Intimae showed his FB. His profile /cover pictures seems to express increasingly really offensive, aggressive quotes. A sign?
Exw seems to attend activities more and more alone, even excusing for his absence… Due to what? Behaviour?

I don’t want to guess.
Speaking to her at that table, I predicted (and up to now all became reality) her (seeing that old bloke) that with him all would be superficial, would cause her pain and deep unhappiness. That never in her life again she will be able to trust deeply, being loved or taken care of as once.
Exw then scornfully smiled. Just said, remember all my previous predictions and the smile vanished.
 
So having seen that last picture with that ‘18yr old’ woman, I had to smile.
Schädenfreude? I don’t think so.
Amazed that refused treatment once, to blind to see, burned many bridges and lives in a believe garden and keeping up appearances.

[lovenature]

I think she's been with him for a few years.

Do you know for sure how long they have been together? Do you know for sure that they haven't had numerous recycles and he is just another "orbiter".

Social media can be very distorted; there are reasons a number of members have said to stay away from "fake book".

[WhoMe51]

I read your list of all the hurtful things that she did to you and I would rather be single and a little lonely at times than to put up with those things.  And what I have learned about pwBPD is that they don't change unless they are in therapy.   If she is anything like my ex, she is just putting on a happy face while out. But it's behind closed doors that we can't see.   

[hopealways]

I have those same questions and fears.
You know it really doesn't matter. It may not feel like it, but how they are now is not how they were with us.

With us they will be the same as they were.

I know what you mean though, I fear that if my ex is successful then that means everything she said about it being all my fault would be true right?

Reality is, they will fail again, and again. We cannot see what their lives are really like, we can only see what they want us to see.

There is justice in the universe. Don't beat yourself up. You have done the right thing by staying away and protecting yourself.

IN BOLD: Precisely. Look at Angelina Jolie: totally BPD, and her "perfect" relationship came crumbling down into one of the most viscous divorces.