Smooth break up?

[SettingBorders]

I want to separate from my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend. We just moved from a 2-room to a 3-room flat, some days ago. We have a two month old child together, so going no contact after the split is not an option.

For the sake of our daughter and trying to care for the wellbeing of us adults, I want that separation as smooth as any possible. Further, I am not sure if I want to break up for ever. I did never break up in my life before, so I would like some opinions on my ideas. Loosing your girlfriend and baby is strong stuff for non BPDs, too. I expect him to desregulate a lot: I expect slamming doors, yelling and rushing out of the room. The plan is as following:

I will get my mother and his best friend involved. I will have to tell his best friend something about my plans before, which is the uncertain part.  I will ask him to hand my boyfriend a letter afterwards, in which I explain everything, in case he yells or leaves or isn't able to listen to me any more for any other reason during the break up talk. His friend hopefully will provide good aftercare.

When his friend and my mother are both at our home, I will reveal, that I want to have a serious talk with him about our relationship. Then, my mother will leave with our daugther for a walk. I will ask my boyfriend's friend to stay in another room and to intervene in case our discussion gets too heated. Then I tell him, I want a longer time out with an open end, that might lead to a break up for good. I will tell him that I still want him to spend lots of time with his daugther. I will tell him, that I try to get our old two-room-flat or find another flat nearby, so it is easy for him to keep in touch with her. After the talk, my mother returns and he can say goodby to her. Then I take her and leave to my mother's where I will stay some weeks to calm down myself.

Any thoughts?

[formflier]

I would hope that you have several weeks to think through the best way to do this.

I DO like the part where you are being deliberate about thinking about safety for your child.  Perhaps I would suggest some other ways to go about it, but very important that you find a place for adults to have time to have an adult talk.

Perhaps involving your Mom for childcare is good.  Are there other options, perhaps a sitter that you could get for the afternoon.

I'm generally NOT a fan of involving other non-professional people in these types of things.  Involving other people EXPONENTIALLY complicates things and sets up potential for drama triangles, among other problems.

I like the idea of you writing a letter to explain everything.  I DO NOT like the idea of you actually giving it to him.  Perhaps you can post the letter here.  We can help you sort through your thoughts.

After it is done, we can help guide you.  I wrote a similar letter with guidance from my T a few months back.  (letter was not to my BPDish wife... .it was another matter).  However, once we both decided we had a good letter, we also both decided it would be healthy and good to send the letter.  Too soon to tell if letter will lead to good outcome. 

Questions:

Why not sit down and have a relationship talk with him?

Why not ask him to go with you to a T and discuss your r/s?

Are YOU open to listening to his ideas and thoughts on your r/s?

Are you only interested in delivering a message or are you open to a discussion?

I think we could guide you more after seeing the letter you would like to give him.

I'm glad you posted.  Please proceed carefully... .give this situation careful thought... .

FF

[sad but wiser]

It seldom happens the way we plan.  First, announcing the talk is likely to trigger him.  Once he senses that you are leaving, his damaged core will probably take over.
  He will likely accuse his best friend of having an affair with you, even if he is gay.  He will pour on guilt, threaten to take the baby etc. 
I would have the baby at your mom's before he got home.  Why add drama?  If you aren't sure about truly breaking up,  require therapy.  Say it is for you (which it is) and the baby who doesn't need to grow up where people act hateful and slam doors.

[SettingBorders]

Hello formflyer, hello sad but wiser :

Thanks for your help and advice! In the meantime I got clearer and found out that I need a break. My boyfriend was very consuming the last year and honestly, no matter what he would say or if he would fight or even work on himself and change the way I need: I would still need that break.

I DO like the part where you are being deliberate about thinking about safety for your child.  Perhaps I would suggest some other ways to go about it, but very important that you find a place for adults to have time to have an adult talk.

Yes, the wellbeeing of our child - also on the long term - is the most important thing for me.

I'm generally NOT a fan of involving other non-professional people in these types of things.  Involving other people EXPONENTIALLY complicates things and sets up potential for drama triangles, among other problems.

He's generally avoiding these type of discussions in front of others, because - as he said - others would take my side. But I need someone reliable to explain to him afterwards what I meant. He doesn't seem to understand when I say it.

Questions:

Why not sit down and have a relationship talk with him?

I am planing to have one with him.

Why not ask him to go with you to a T and discuss your r/s?

We started a partner counseling today. I don't think it was so fertile so far, but there are several more appointments, so let's see.

Are YOU open to listening to his ideas and thoughts on your r/s?

No, right now I just want to be left alone. But before I would like to hear the concrete problems he's having with me, so I can think about it during the time out.

Are you only interested in delivering a message or are you open to a discussion?

I don't even want to deliver a massage. If you saw my letter I wrote to him (maybe I will post it here lateron) you'd see how short it is. It only says: I need a break. Don't worry because of the kid, it's still your daugther and I want to help and establish a good relationship between the two of you. Thank you and take care.

I would have the baby at your mom's before he got home.  Why add drama?

I thought for lessen his fear of loosing his daugther it would be more profitable for the future this way. Otherwise he might seek a way to quickly get her back. It's a smoth way to take her with me. And I don't think he would rage a lot.

If you aren't sure about truly breaking up,  require therapy.  Say it is for you (which it is) and the baby who doesn't need to grow up where people act hateful and slam doors.

I don't want to work on the relationship right now. I know how long it takes. I just want to rest and I want to maintain a good relationship as parents. My romantic life is not a priority right now.

I got some more days or weeks to think about it. But I don't want to unnecessary protract it. It's not good for all of us involved.

[formflier]

I noticed in your post that you were not interested in listening to his point of view.  Another place it said something about "his problems with you".

I'm hoping that your partner T can help you guys focus on the positive.  Focus on where you agree... .steps you agree on... .perhaps how best to parent and celebrate your child together.

Once you both get to a place where you are willing to listen... .then, with professional guidance, you can start working through chronic relationship problems.

Last thought for now:  What does it look like where other people have to explain what you meant? 

Can you give some he said she said. 

Again... .   pop up when other non-professional people get in the middle of relationship conversations.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, but very tricky to deal with.  Best avoided.

FF

[SettingBorders]

Hello formflier:

We had this relationship talk with our friend in the meantime. It was very good. He was asking us questions like: "What do you need?", "What did you understand, he/she said?" or "Are you able to relate to this?"

We agreed upon two things: 1st planing the week and stick to it, 2nd to let the past rest.

For now, we're well.

But still: we're not close. We get along with each other on a professional level, both pulling ourselves together. We're not happy and I have no hope ... .

[formflier]

For now, we're well.

But still: we're not close. We get along with each other on a professional level, both pulling ourselves together. We're not happy and I have no hope ... .

What would having hope look like?  Would there be things he could do or say that would give you hope?

FF

[SettingBorders]

What would having hope look like?  Would there be things he could do or say that would give you hope?

FF

Yes!

There would be hope if he'd get the insight that he's having some mental problems and wants to get help. For himself (!) not for stopping me to go away. Right now, all he tells me is: "I am who I am and I will always ... .[euphemism for problem x]." He doesn't get what I am asking for. In his point of view, common interests or at the most the attention for each another are lacking and that makes all our problems. In my point of view it's his passive agressiveness, his maniac phases, his workaholism and his constant seek for appreciation that do cause many problems.

I would also feel relieved if he'd agree on a trail breakup for let's say half a year. We'd both be able to calm down, work on ourselves and maybe find back together. Maybe I am doing many mistakes these weeks, but I've rented our old flat which is next to our new one. This is damn costy, maybe a total waste of money. I don't live in there. I just want to make sure I can go there for a trial breakup. So we can live very closely and our daugther can see both of us.