I need help Desperately.

[peccadillop]

Hello everyone,
I got married in 2012 and it was an arranged marriage. Things were good for the first few months and after that everything started going south.

Initially I thought she was new to the country (Moved from India to USA) and had trouble coping with the new atmosphere. I tried to be as supportive as possible try to take her to all places like malls, restaurants to friends places, tourist spots and what not. But nothing made her happy she would be happiest when her parent called or when she was talking to her sister. I used to get frustrated by he lack of attention and aloof nature and every now and then I would lose my temper and yell at her. This made things even worse.

She would take no responsibilities and would always be "scared" so I had to hand hold her for every thing, from applying to universities for higher studies to writing emails to her professors/admissions, doing class assignments.

We used to hang out with a couple of friends on the weekends and she did not like them, she started blaming me for having romantic feelings for my friends wife. We had huge fights regarding this and I eventually stopped hanging out and I cut them off completely about 2.5 years back.

In the past year she had become extremely verbally abusive of me and my family. We used to have fights once a week, she started yelling at me and verbally abusing me she says things like
"You are useless",
"you are a playboy who runs after every girl you see" ,
"You are worthless POS",
"Your family is worthless compared to ours"... .etc etc.

The very next day or sometimes within a few hours she starts speaking highly of me like
"I am so lucky to have you",
"I will die without you",
"you are a saint",
"You are the smartest person I know" etc etc... .The "honey moon phase" lasts for 3-5 days and the cycle repeats.

At this point I am emotionally and physically drained, I have no friends to share my feelings and my parents are 10,000 miles away. She refuses to go for marriage counseling and she has at-least on one occasion threatened to file a domestic abuse and rape charges against me and my family.

I am really scared and need help. I want to make this work but no matter how many sacrifices I have made or continue to make, nothing seems to be enough. She keeps bring up old friends and how I was "romantically attached to my friends wife". 

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Peccadillop:   

I'm sorry about the problems you are having with you wife.  I can hear how frustrated you are.

I got married in 2012 and it was an arranged marriage. Things were good for the first few months and after that everything started going south.   

Was the marriage arranged by your families or did you pursue the arrangements on you own?

I used to get frustrated by the lack of attention and aloof nature and every now and then I would lose my temper and yell at her. This made things even worse.   

Sounds like you learned that yelling at her made things worse, so I'm thinking you stopped yelling at her, is that right?

The way you communicate with your wife can make a difference.  If you look to the right of this post, you will see several links to helpful information: ":)on't be Invalidating", "Ending Conflict", "Wisemind" and "Setting Boundaries". Check them out and give the strategies a try.  let us know about your experience.  It can take some practice and it can help to reach out to others to support you as you begin to use some new strategy.

In the past year she had become extremely verbally abusive of me and my family. We used to have fights once a week. . .The very next day or sometimes within a few hours she starts speaking highly of me.  The "honey moon phase" lasts for 3-5 days and the cycle repeats. 

The article below on, "From Idealization to Devaluation", should be helpful
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

I am really scared and need help. I want to make this work but no matter how many sacrifices I have made or continue to make, nothing seems to be enough. She keeps bring up old friends and how I was "romantically attached to my friends wife".  She refuses to go for marriage counseling and she has at-least on one occasion threatened to file a domestic abuse and rape charges against me and my family.   

Would there be any basis for a domestic abuse report?  Has there been physical abuse on the part of either of you?

You might consider going to counseling on your own.  It can help you process you feelings and learn about how to best communicate with your wife and how to avoid conflict. 

[peccadillop]

Thank you for your response Naughty Nibbler.

Yes the marriage was arranged by our parents. We did meet but it was a short meeting. The final say was ours, I was not forced into it.

"Sounds like you learned that yelling at her made things worse,"
Yes, I learnt my lesson, I am trying to control my behavior instead. I have been reading "stop walking on eggshells" and it has helped me a lot understanding BPD.
I have been practicing what and how to communicate with her but it has been exhausting.

For instance today she started yelling at me because "my face is similar to my mothers" and it "irritates her" and my mother is "very intrusive". My parents live in a India and they hardly talk to us once a week for about 15 minutes, which is usually small talk.

I tried to remain calm and responded with facts and asked her to be more specific about what she meant by "intrusive", she could not find any specific examples and she got angrier and started crying and yelling. I said I cannot have a conversation if she continued to yell and call me names. I stood my ground and was firm that I will not have a conversation until we both are calm and collected.   

She got angrier and wept more, this is where she dropped her first bomb shell and threatened committing suicide. This was the first time ever I stood my ground without getting angry or getting into a screaming match, I think this frustrated her.

I was a little scared so I went home to check on her during lunch and what do you know, she was all smiles and warm. I was still visibly upset and she asked "what was wrong". I did not say much and left back to work.

"Would there be any basis for a domestic abuse report?  Has there been physical abuse on the part of either of you?"
No, there hasn't been any physical abuse, it is the words and yelling that hurt.

"You might consider going to counseling on your own"
Yes, I am looking for options but don't know where to start or how to look for a good mental health counselor, I will do some research. 

I am trying to read as much as possible about BPD and learning to control my emotions. I am happy I found this site, reading others stories makes me feel less lonely.

Thank you again for your response.

[Tattered Heart]

She got angrier and wept more, this is where she dropped her first bomb shell and threatened committing suicide. This was the first time ever I stood my ground without getting angry or getting into a screaming match, I think this frustrated her.

This could possibly be an extniction burst. When a child is used to throwing tantrums to get their way, when the parent does not give in to the tantrum as usual, they increase their behavior. If the parent then gives in to the new increased behavior, the increased behavior will continue. If the parent does not give in, over time, the behavior MAY completely go away.

Sounds like your wife increased her behavior when she did not get the usual response from you. Good job. It means you handled things better! Doesn't it feel good to be able to respond in an unemotionally involved way to them?