Tables Have Turned. What to do now?

[Saradane]

Hello All,

So long story short, my xBPDgf and I broke up in May and it was terrible. We didn't talk for a few months and I was happy.

She came back into my life, and the first night we made passionate sex and it was great. Then she tells me right after that she hooked up with my two friends while we were apart and it devastated me. She assured me she went to counseling and that she was better and committed to making it right. I tried to let it go, but ended up becoming firm on my boundries in the process because I didn't trust her. I set boundaries, and she would hate it and do everything to break them slightly.

I got mad the other day and broke up with her. Then realize I may have over reacted and tried to get her back the same night and she said no.

I gave it a week, and called her today, to start over fresh, and she is not about it. Said she met another guy three days after our breakup and that she doesn't care. After two hours on the phone, I said fine, lets end things please block me etc, and she wouldn't do it, and cried when I did.

We talked again and then started going through the breakup, and it was a productive conversation, thought it was getting better, but same thing. I ended it, and now I'm sad.

She seems to enjoy me chasing her, and seems to bluff when I say I'm done.

Why do they play these games? Idk why, but I love her so much no matter what she does. 

[Shedd]

Why do they play these games? Idk why, but I love her so much no matter what she does.  

They feel secure knowing they have you on their leash.  That's what I think.  When they don't speak to you.  They have won because you can't say anything and they know how much you want them.  

At leat that's what I think about my ex.  She has power over me in every way by being silent she continues the power.  If she were to open contact with me again she is afraid she will lose that power.

[Saradane]

They feel secure knowing they have you on their leash.  That's what I think.  When they don't speak to you.  They have won because you can't say anything and they know how much you want them.  

At leat that's what I think about my ex.  She has power over me in every way by being silent she continues the power.  If she were to open contact with me again she is afraid she will lose that power.

You have a point I guess. It's obvious she likes the power. I just want her to stop having the power and miss me for a change.

[Shedd]

 It's obvious she likes the power. I just want her to stop having the power and miss me for a change.

This is what I think that is helping me.  It's still a struggle, but it gives me a piece of mind.

Think of it this way:

If you want to win the situation you have to let her go.  Trust me it's been really hard for me I'm struggling, but also trying to help by sharing what I'm trying to do.  

I think that she will eventually try to contact me.  It could be days, weeks, or years, but she will.  Knowing this gives my heart power, and maybe by the time she contacts me I will be completely over it.

Once they contact you.  YOU have the power.  They are on your leash.  If you want them back, or not at all it's your turn to decide.  :)epends on what they contact you for.  I think you need to find a way to keep her on your leash. It's like a game, they love the game.

For me, if she ever tries to contact me I am going to say the only way I will take her back in my life is if she tells me everything that happened in our relationship.  I want to know every detail of the truth.  If she can't do that then I don't see how I could ever trust her.  I thought I still wanted her as a friend no matter what, but I just feel it would be too hard at this point knowing she cheated.  

For me I know my ex is trying really hard to get better.  So it's a different situation, but that's what's giving me power.  You have to find your own power in the situation.

Is your ex getting therapy?  I think in reality she does miss you, but she's not going to show it.

 

[lovenature]

Why do they play these games? Idk why, but I love her so much no matter what she does.

They seem like games until you learn enough about BPD and realize it is all about their opposing fears of engulfment and abandonment, and hanging on to an attachment.

Once you learn enough about BPD, I would recommend you look into why you love her so much no matter what she does. When you are ready it may be helpful to look at FOO issues.

[Rayban]

I know this is not what you want to hear and maybe you are denying reality just to keep the piece because you love her.

Doesn't it bother you that your friends bedded your ex, and now you want to continue being her boyfriend? I guess they're not your friends anymore?

3 days after the break up she's already seeing somone else. Next she will be admitting to sleep ing with others while with you. Basically the more love you give her the more she will hurt you. She hates you for loving her.

If you accept this then you are now an official member of the orbiter club. You'll be kept on the side while she is with other men.

[once removed]

hi Saradane,

Why do they play these games? 

its difficult to tell from your post what you want - maybe you arent sure, thats okay.

do you want to reconcile the relationship? release with grace?

people only have as much power as we give them. you have a say here.

[Pretty Woman]

I agree with Rayban... .that is exactly what happened to me.

I will NEVER allow this succubus to make me her orbiter. She has three other exes she has played over a course of fifteen years. I am not adding myself to the abuse.

You say the only way you will allow her back into your life is if she is honest.

Listen, my ex was honest at one point. She told me all the things she did in an attempt to get me back (I was seeing someone else at that time). She promised to go to therapy... .and did for awhile.

In the end, I broke up with a wonderful person to get back with my ex. A year later... .mind you, our BEST year with limited conflict, she breaks up with me saying that the very same therapist said she should leave me (no therapist in their right mind TELLS someone to leave someone) and then moved in with my replacement a day later.

They CAN be honest but only as a means to manipulate. You are better off without her. Trust me, it hurts worse once you start to trust them and they screw you over completely. After all this my ex ghosted me and has slandered me horribly to others.

It truly isn't worth it my friend.  

[Shedd]

She hates you for loving her.

That's a good way to look at it.  Makes sense.  I'm using this to cope.   Thank you.