A great few months, but compulsive lying continues

[Amber2016]

Not posted on here for a few months. I actually left my boyfriend after the last of a string of offenses in which he sabotaged my birthday, and I was so low I just cried in bed all day. His behaviour got increasingly erratic as he desperately tried to get my attention over a few weeks, and jealousy and accusations started to appear for the first time. He also got ill (headaches, dizziness and vomiting)which he blamed on me, and went to the Doctor. She examined him and told him his stats were all great, and he was actually in fine health (different to what he had been telling people earlier in the year). She told him she thought his illness was psychosomatic and he should have a psychiatric assessment. He didn't go for the assessment but it seemingly made him realise that he was not functioning normally, and he changed. He got rid of a lot of the awful people in his life, stopped associating with drug users and narcissists, started working harder. He told me he had had his priorities wrong before, and that he had behaved badly and let his ego get in the way of what would have been a great relationship.

We spent more time together, and soon we were spending half of each week together. He was on time or early for pretty much everything, he was really thoughtful and kind, I could express my opinions and it not turn into an argument. I felt like a proper person, in a proper relationship. We had not one incident or argument in four months, until a few days ago when we were spending a day together and he unilaterally changed plans without checking with me. A row ensued, for which he actually sent an apology (he has been apologising for the first time too!), and on a feeling, I checked his messages.

I discovered that right from when I first started seeing him again, he has been messaging a former fling, with more kisses and emojis than he ever used with me, and arranging to visit her. He gave his excuses for a week when I had been ill and he had been looking after me, telling her he couldn't go as he was ill. He gave her the illness and symptoms I had. As recently as a couple of weeks ago, he had invited her to stay at his before Christmas, and there were other messages relating to planning telephone calls. There were also multiple other women he had been messaging, inviting to meet up, stay at his or trying to coax them into some great opportunities he supposedly had for them. They were mostly rejected.

I was gutted. He threw some chairs around and said that he would have never gone through with it, it was just fantasy. He promised he would go to therapy, etc. He admitted it was all his fault and his problem. He messaged the woman to 'end' the flirtation, although he had to as I sent a message from his account to her saying'how about this weekend as my girlfriend is away'.Of course, she didn't know he had a girlfriend and now he had to admit it to her.

The really weird bit is, I spoke to the woman, who was really nice and supportive and apologetic. But she said they ahd never had any kind of relationship. Nothing between them had ever happened, they had talked at parties a few time, and he dropped her off at home once, but didn't go inside. Se didn't fancy him and she even had a boyfriend although it was a rocky relationship and she was treated badly. He had never met her kids. This means he had for no reason manufactured a fantasy three week fling including weekends spent together and meeting her children, which had never happened. He seemed to have believed this himself to the point he even contacted her to call it off when I wasn't there. (She told me).

I haven't told him I know the relationship was a fantasy, but straight after he was telling me he wanted to sort our relationship out(within minutes of putting the phone down), he drove across the country to a party involving sex, drugs and alcohol with the people he had avoided for ages. He told them all we had split up (as he always did when they asked why I wasn't with him) and that he was devastated about it. To get to the party he had to drive past me-we live two hours apart, so if he was really devastated he would have come to see me, we were talking. He had also extensively groomed and 'manscaped' which is always the massive sign he is intending to try and have sex with another woman.

Since I called him out on the lie about the party, and our relationship is on thin ice, breaking up, his lies have just gone out of control and he's erupting like a volcano. He told me he often goes places without me knowing, that he has been abroad twice in the past month. I called bull___ and refused to back down but he was adamant. Later, I asked him if it were true and he admitted it wasn't and asked if I hadn't noticed he was trying to keep a straight face.

The bit that worried me which I want to run by other people, is this morning as he left, I said I still wasn't sure whether I'd be coming to him over Christmas. So he was probably in a bad mood as he went. He left the gate open for the first time in two years. He absolutely adores my dog and loves him more than he loves any person, but earlier in the night, just a few hours before he left the gate open for the first time, I had told him how upset I was that my friend had left the gate open recently and the dog got out and I was terrified he'd be lost or hit by a car. I have an instinct my bf did it on purpose. i phoned him, and he picked up straight away with: "Are you okay?... .what's happened?" As if he were pre-empting me telling him something (such as the dog ran off perhaps?). He then passed it off with 'your breathing was heavy and sounded distressed'.

The past few months have been really lovely. He has changed and is really trying I can tell. he has some great qualities and I do love him, but having just discovered the extent of his lies and fabrication of events has thrown me.
I'm hoping I'm wrong about leaving the gate open, but my instinct tells me... .I'm not sure what his motive for this would be other than spite or to maybe hope that something may happen which would make me need him? Just guessing here. Dog's safety is paramount, but I can't prove it was purpose. It sounds more sociopathic than BPD behaviour, unless others have experienced similar?
Assuming he is genuine about wanting to go to therapy, has anybody had any experience of best kind of therapy, and how to confront/approach his lies and fantasies when I sense bull___?
I'm prepared to try.

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[Herodias]

I've been there with the lies, cheating, drugs and alcohol. The doing something you mentioned, like the friends gate being left open sounds familiar to me too. Trying to diagnose is difficult- I don't know how therapists do it not knowing what we know! I have read they can be sociopathic with BPD. I would warn you that the more you take, the less they respect you and the more you are tested. Get some boundaries and stick with them. Be careful with therapy. They usually want the therapist to fix you, manipulate the therapist or use it to make you look crazy. I wouldn't go with him. I would also expect he will not stick with it. I'm sorry but he needs to be serious about it. He needs long term help and love or lack of it from you won't fix it. They need to do it because they don't like how their lives are headed. Take care of yourself and see what he does. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I don't want you to waste your life trying to help someone if they don't want help like I did for 9 years... .watch actions - not words. Trust your gut feelings more than anything! I can't stress that enough.