a message of hope

[soundofmusicgirl]

Today I want to focus on the things that do go right . I know there is a lot of chaos, heartache, tears, anger going on in our lives with a BPD. But sometimes I just need a message of hope. A little light at the end of the tunnel, to know that all our hard work, time, tears and heartache is worth the "fight" even those are not our biological children.

So share with me something good that happened.

I will start with saying that after years and years of being met with hostility and suspiscion by doctors, teachers and caretakers of my SS´s things are finally turning around and their pediatrician and their teachers, principle and special ed teacher have caught on to what is going on (as much as you can as an outsider) and have rendered a lot of support and help to my DH.
It almost makes me giddy to know that there are people out there that do not buy into the "evil father of the year" story that BPDxw likes to spread.

[catclaw]

This is such a good idea! Thank you!

What is going right? Ok, i tend to forget the huge steps SS has taken in the 2 years since moving in. There are relapses every once in a while, but he has learned a lot. Has was lost in everyday life and he took the structure we offered to him and sticks to it. He really loves me and appreciates me (he doesn't tell me personally but he tells my mom, my DH and the peopme at his psychomotorical skills training). He trusts me (mostly). We have found people who support us, like, professionals in a mother-favouring system that understand and believe our version of events - after more than 6 years, and i can 100% relate to what you said, soundofmusicgirl, this is such a relief.

There's still a hell lot of work to do, but we will eventually get there.

Thank you all for your support <3

[Panda39]

My SO's daughters are older 20 & 16.  I met my SO when they were 15 & 10.  At that time there was parental alienation, spying, and false accusations of abuse. 

I didn't trust, let alone like his children back then (puppets of their mother) and they didn't like or trust me (thanks to uBPDmom's lies).

I met his daughters in our second year together and have now known them for five.  Each year our relationship improves and gets more comfortable.  Today it's very friendly and easy going.  Don't get me wrong there are still little bumps in the road once in a while but no more than any relationship you have with someone. 

I've discovered that I have a lot in common with each of them and they seek me out when I visit there house, just like my son will seek out my SO when he comes to our house.

Both girls currently have very little contact with their mother by their own choice, but I would also support a decision to see their mom more if they wanted too.  This site has helped me see from different perspectives which has been incredibly helpful in understanding the dynamic of my SO's family.

Things can get better for our (step) kids and we the step parents I think are a big part of that change.  We bring in a different perspective on things both with the kids and the non-parent and we can change the dynamic and dysfunctional patterns that were previously in play.

So kudos to resilient kids, their non-parent and us!

Panda39

[NorthernGirl]

Whew, this is a great idea as it is so easy to focus on what isn't going well.

SS22 (who has special needs) is under sole guardianship of DH as of April this year. Since then, DH has been able to help SS22 make all major decisions. As a result SS22 is in a great job, he ran his first half marathon in a great time (beating Dad!), and he went on a cool trip with DH where they watched NBA, NFL and NHL games. SS22 is doing well in his Special Olympic sports and with any luck will get on a national team at some point. He has several good friends -- and a girlfriend -- from Special Olympics. He goes regularly to a T who he likes and confides in, making it easier for him than having to sort out whether Dad or Mom are correct.

SS26 is in his first year of law school. He has a great long-time GF who is very supportive. They are living in a different city but keep in regular touch and are coming home tomorrow for Christmas break. SS26 made the touch decision to go NC with his Mom this summer, and although he is struggling a bit with losing touch with her -- and therefore her family -- he knows it is the right decision and it has reduced the chaos in his life.

SS24, who is an addict, has moved out from his Mom's after bouncing back and forth this year. His Mom enables him so maybe being away from her will help him take some better stepss. He is NC with his Dad, which is sad but also a sign that he is just not ready yet to do the hard work in therapy (DH made it a requisite of them having a meaningful relationship).

DH has stuck with some solid boundaries with his ex -- refusing to take the bait when she tried to guilt him into giving SS24 money. He handled the guardianship issue as well as he could -- and it was pretty stressful. This fall, the guardianship office ruled on a new complaint uBPD filed and determined all the issues she raised against DH were unfounded. We feel they now have a better idea of what she is about, and they were able to see how capable SS22 is and how he is thriving with DH as his guardian.

Not a bad list. 

[Krazytown]

Great thread!  Sometimes its hard to notice the good when things are so hectic.

SS13 asked my DH the other day if he could call me when I was at work to ask me what to do about a hurt finger.   In a therapy session he told me and his therapist that he knows that I am not here to replace his mother, but that I am trying to make a safe and happy home with his dad and he knows that I love him and his brothers. 

SS11 Gives me a huge hug every time I come home from work and is always excited to tell me about his day.  This is a huge change from a year ago when he wouldn't talk to me except when spoken too. 

SS8 Still struggles with making sense of what mom says (she is constantly saying that he doesn't have to listen to me. Which is rough since we have them 90% of the time).  His temper tantrums about chores and rules have mostly stopped.   He is a moody kid, but getting better with therapy and structure. 

All 3 did AWESOME this last semester in school!  All A's and B's and their teachers have nothing but great things to say about them.

Thank you for this thread.  Being a step parent is NOT easy by any stretch of the imagination and its easy to get lost in the chaos when you add in the extra drama.  Even though we are mid battle to maintain full custody and going through a custody evaluation, things have calmed down and the boys are doing awesome.  I have to be reminded of that and i appreciate you for starting it!