Post 1year, how it looks and Q&A

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So it has been 1 year since we separated and 6 months since the divorce was finalized.
Two young kids shared 50/50. And here is what I learned which I thought might assist you out there.

No doubt these types of breakups are painful. I do have sincere sympathy for those undergoing this pain. And it took time for at least for me to see why it took so long to detach; though at times I might still have little hooks. When you observe your relationship without a filter, the most important facet was how the pwBPD provided little to nothing in the relationship. And (at least in my case), if you take a real hard look they only thing a pwBPD provided to the relationship was sexual in nature. We might sugar coat their big hearts, or their thoughts--how they made us seem to be at the center of the world. Really, those viewpoints were all our ourselves. A pwBPD does not provide much in the relationship, but they help you see yourself. It is easy to get confused, but those amazing things you thought you saw in the pwBPD were really just the best of you. And to love a pwBPD is really a quest to find love in yourself. When they are at their best, it is really you at your best. To say you were in love; maybe, the slight possibility is you were just referring to yourself. Go back... .look and see the only thing they can give freely to a relationship is sexual in nature.

And I think that is why we have a hard time letting go. One, it is the ideal that they are just a stone throw away from being a good/perfect person. That the light is just a second from them and the relationship will turn out alright. That we always give the benefit of the doubt with their good side we have witnessed. And two, that without them you can't really see yourself. This is hidden under the covers.

Can you make a relationship work with a pwBPD? Sure, but really the quest about you. Your self love and the journey to see yourself for all the experiences that were neglected growing up. Once you can fully see yourself, if you make that journey, I believe you can make the relationship with a pwBPD work. And truly, you will know because once near the end of that journey; the desire to continue will not be that of need; it most cases it will be less desirable. In the end, it'll be nothing more than choosing a path on the road where no choice is correct or wrong, or emotionally sound or distraught. That is when you can have a relationship with a BPD.

Make no doubt, I still think of my ex frequently. But now it is a great deal of compassion rather than how the pwBPD can be a part of my life. That my life is my own as well as theirs. And I hope that they move in a way that keeps them grounded as much as I do now. So I put this up if you want to ask questions. And really reiterate this is really a journey about you moving into the present. This was the biggest lesson I learned. It is warm under the blankets but we need to get out of bed sometime if we are going to realize who we really are. A lot of ways it is the same path a pwBPD must take, but you have more of the tools to make it happen.

Points of mine that you may relate:
2 children requires continuous contact
Ugly divorce - with a lot of evidence gathering
depression on my end during the relationship (even suicidal at one point)
Used to put others before my own needs
pwBPD pushed for relationship/marriage
5 year relationship.
Extensive therapy for 8 months.

Good luck out there.

[tryingsome]

So it has been 1 year since we separated and 6 months since the divorce was finalized.
Two young kids shared 50/50. And here is what I learned which I thought might assist you out there.

No doubt these types of breakups are painful. I do have sincere sympathy for those undergoing this pain. And it took time for at least for me to see why it took so long to detach; though at times I might still have little hooks. When you observe your relationship without a filter, the most important facet was how the pwBPD provided little to nothing in the relationship. And (at least in my case), if you take a real hard look they only thing a pwBPD provided to the relationship was sexual in nature. We might sugar coat their big hearts, or their thoughts--how they made us seem to be at the center of the world. Really, those viewpoints were all our ourselves. A pwBPD does not provide much in the relationship, but they help you see yourself. It is easy to get confused, but those amazing things you thought you saw in the pwBPD were really just the best of you. And to love a pwBPD is really a quest to find love in yourself. When they are at their best, it is really you at your best. To say you were in love; maybe, the slight possibility is you were just referring to yourself. Go back... .look and see the only thing they can give freely to a relationship is sexual in nature.

And I think that is why we have a hard time letting go. One, it is the ideal that they are just a stone throw away from being a good/perfect person. That the light is just a second from them and the relationship will turn out alright. That we always give the benefit of the doubt with their good side we have witnessed. And two, that without them you can't really see yourself. This is hidden under the covers.

Can you make a relationship work with a pwBPD? Sure, but really the quest about you. Your self love and the journey to see yourself for all the experiences that were neglected growing up. Once you can fully see yourself, if you make that journey, I believe you can make the relationship with a pwBPD work. And truly, you will know because once near the end of that journey; the desire to continue will not be that of need; it most cases it will be less desirable. In the end, it'll be nothing more than choosing a path on the road where no choice is correct or wrong, or emotionally sound or distraught. That is when you can have a relationship with a BPD.

Make no doubt, I still think of my ex frequently. But now it is a great deal of compassion rather than how the pwBPD can be a part of my life. That my life is my own as well as theirs. And I hope that they move in a way that keeps them grounded as much as I do now. So I put this up if you want to ask questions. And really reiterate this is really a journey about you moving into the present. This was the biggest lesson I learned. It is warm under the blankets but we need to get out of bed sometime if we are going to realize who we really are. A lot of ways it is the same path a pwBPD must take, but you have more of the tools to make it happen.

Points of mine that you may relate:
2 children requires continuous contact
Ugly divorce - with a lot of evidence gathering
depression on my end during the relationship (even suicidal at one point)
Used to put others before my own needs
pwBPD pushed for relationship/marriage
5 year relationship.
Extensive therapy for 8 months.

Good luck out there.

[Skyglass]

I love how you put that- "self love and the journey." So very true. Your post really spoke to me today and has been a lot of what I've been thinking about and working on for a while now. Realizing that the things I loved about my ex were the things that I had actually needed to see and believe in about myself... .that those things were not external, they were inside of me the whole time.

[michel71]

GREAT POST! Can you expand a bit on the paragraph where you said that a relationship with a BPD can work? I was a bit confused. I mean, the way I see it, if a pwBPD doesn't seek help then being with that person is a denial of your needs and yourself to its very core.

[hopealways]

So it has been 1 year since we separated and 6 months since the divorce was finalized.
Two young kids shared 50/50. And here is what I learned which I thought might assist you out there.

No doubt these types of breakups are painful. I do have sincere sympathy for those undergoing this pain. And it took time for at least for me to see why it took so long to detach; though at times I might still have little hooks. When you observe your relationship without a filter, the most important facet was how the pwBPD provided little to nothing in the relationship. And (at least in my case), if you take a real hard look they only thing a pwBPD provided to the relationship was sexual in nature. We might sugar coat their big hearts, or their thoughts--how they made us seem to be at the center of the world. Really, those viewpoints were all our ourselves. A pwBPD does not provide much in the relationship, but they help you see yourself. It is easy to get confused, but those amazing things you thought you saw in the pwBPD were really just the best of you. And to love a pwBPD is really a quest to find love in yourself. When they are at their best, it is really you at your best. To say you were in love; maybe, the slight possibility is you were just referring to yourself. Go back... .look and see the only thing they can give freely to a relationship is sexual in nature.

IN BOLD: Very well stated. This is probably the most difficult thing to understand and accept. I understand this but still years later it is difficult for me to accept. Especially when we are remoed from the relationship all we remember is the good stuff but I know whenever we start hanging out again all her selfishness and lack of contribution in ANY way becomes so toxically apparent.

[eaglebek]

And I think that is why we have a hard time letting go. One, it is the ideal that they are just a stone throw away from being a good/perfect person. That the light is just a second from them and the relationship will turn out alright. That we always give the benefit of the doubt with their good side we have witnessed. And two, that without them you can't really see yourself. This is hidden under the covers.

Thank you for sharing this... .as I've spent the last week doing almost nothing but scouring through pages upon pages of evidence to get ready for a custody hearing on January 3rd. It's staggering to think that literally just about 4 months ago I was seeing the strain of what I had endured for 5 years through new eyes - because it was being played out against our new son (adopted, 7 years old).

2 months ago she "snapped" one morning, hysteric, raging... .frightening. I nearly called 911 (and regret I didn't), but we separated and haven't been together since.

1 month ago there was a 4 hour psychiatrist appointment that I drove 300 miles to attend. The psychiatrist spoke to her and her mother... .never spoke to me. Major Depressive Disorder was the only diagnosis... .I was outraged.

1 week ago she testified on a witness stand under oath that her "heart" had never been with me and had, in fact, always remained at her parents' house.

1 night ago she called and had an hourlong conversation with me. She's upset that I tried to file for divorce (but she filed for legal separation before me). And she's all about wanting restoration of our marriage... .if I'll just abide by her long list of "nonnegotiables."

It's never been about me, and it's not about me now. And yet I still, on a near daily basis, find myself thinking the exact same things you wrote. I'm not going to easily just forget her or the memories we had or what I thought were good times (they were good, I'm realizing... .as long as they were on her terms). Thankful for a great counselor... .and for sad truth that's been revealed: she's abandoned our marriage in so many ways, but especially after I crossed her and she painted me black... After gearing almost my every action towards meeting her "needs" for 5 years, she was able to scream "I hate you" and "We should get a divorce" 2 months ago when I "wasn't listening" to her and "wasn't supporting" her. It's time to move forward and try to protect my son.

After several, brutal motions and 2 emergency hearings in a month's time, the road up ahead seems so long... .but again I appreciated reading your perspective on it.

[bus boy]

Sex was given very freely by my xw in our r/s. I often thought if I'm the horrible person she says I am and she despises me so much why does she have sex with me, even 8 years after she left me. That is all xw gave to the r/s. She made no effort to improve things. I was never the center of her world. At least I was never lied to in that aspect of our r/s. Xw always made sure I meant nothing to her, she never wanted to be with me, never wanted children with me, she viewed me as weak and pathetic.