At the end of it all, found myself dissociating to cope with rage

[cbm419]

I'm just curious if anyone else began to notice themselves adopting some of the behaviours of their BPD.

I have been thinking over the relationship, specifically his rages.  And realized, in the last 6-8 months of our 3 years together, i began to mimic the technique of dissociation when he was raging.

I dont know that i was truly dissociating in the pyschological sense, but I definetly began to use this type of silent treatment to cope with being raged at.  In retrospect, it makes a lot of sense.  in the earlier rages, I would try to reason with, rationalize, defend myself against his points.  I began to learn how futile that was and how it would often make things worse for me anyway.

later i tried to just apologize, validate and empathize.  This was equally useless.  it either did nothing, or soon I found him taking my apologies as me somehow accepting blame for his state of mind.  Which would just lead to further abuse... .and despite his ability to completely forget/black things out- these apologies would never be forgotten and would culminate in him having all this ammo to use in later rages.  He would be able to say I have had this history of taking responsibility for it all, and I was "doing it again." If I tried to explain- I apologized to empathize, not take blame... .he would accuse me of being emotionally dishonest. Or of gaslighting him.  absurd.

asking for space or to leave and take a walk (a tactic many here have employed successfully) usually led to complete escalation.  And physical attacks/attempts to restrain me or stop me.

So for my BPD, NOTHING worked.  and during those final arguments, I would just stay silent, kind of freeze up my facial expressions, and just let him tucker himself out.  If i was lucky, the next day he would be over it, or forgotten it... .sometimes it just started all over again.  Or, if i was luckier, he would stop talking, get distracted by his iphone apps and eventually turn  over to me asking for a kiss or to snuggle, and the make up sex would end the cycle.

its just so weird.  I was basically doing the same thing he was when dissociating... .I'm guessing i didnt have all the stuff going on in my head that he did when he dissociated. 

and like it or not, it was the only thing that seemed to mitigate these situations.  maybe in the early days, i could reason him back to reality.  but in the last year, nothing worked, everything had a good chance of making it worse.

does anyone else feel like they may have began copying these BPD behaviors, or other aspects of their partner?

[rfriesen]

It can be challenging not to be drawn into the power struggles that build up through these behaviours -- the raging, the silent treatment, projecting, and blaming. It is exhausting to try to reason your way through that when you don't understand the dynamics. When we would get into arguments, my ex said to me several times, "I think we just don't understand each other!" Which is fair and perceptive of her. I viewed myself as the voice of reason, trying to find a way forward. I can't in fairness speak for her, but I really think she viewed herself as the voice of "being real", just cutting through all the (in her mind) phoney level-headedness and going for the jugular. A feelings = fact approach, where she was furious and wasn't going to let me talk my way out of it (whatever "it" happened to be).

Yes, I did eventually adopt some of her ways of communicating -- the silent treatment, waiting for her to reach out to me, then feeling a moment of triumph when she would, trying to capitalize on that ... .It wasn't productive. It would have been better if I had learned some of the more structured approaches described here, for instance:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Ultimately, the power struggles took over our relationship.

So, how do you feel now, cbm? Sounds like you've gained a lot of perspective. Do you still feel your behaviour is different as a result of the relationship?

[cbm419]

So, how do you feel now, cbm? Sounds like you've gained a lot of perspective. Do you still feel your behaviour is different as a result of the relationship?

I feel like a very weird person.  Its as if I was giving him free rent of my head, and over the course of our relationship, his lease began to exceed my ownership of that space. Now that were detached, I feel myself still obsessing, chasing after him.  we cant make a block work more than 10 hours before one of us caves and reaches out to the other.

over the course of the relationship, I became so hyper vigilant of his behaviors that i basically became his partner and stalker.  I learned how to do some basic hacking years ago in another relationship (I uncovered cheating and left that person... .crazy how i kept lowering the bar/my expectations to stay with my BPD), and I was able to use these skills to:

1. Always know his exact location
2. real time stream of google search results on phone/computer
3. download, from the cloud, iphone backups and retrieve from them both present and already deleted data. texts, images, call history, app data
4. review his location history to the granularity of every 15 seconds.
5. all of his sent/recieved emails were bounced into an alternate account i owned
6. a few other creepy things like mock GPS-ing an android emulator, downloading dating/sex apps (he had a cheating problem) and catfishing the h3ll out of him.

looking back- wow. I am a sick person. I stopped doing the icloud and location review stuff over a year ago... that was the creepiest of my tactics, it became too much work and often what i found was more painful than worth knowing.  but the funny thing is he knew i could do this. he knew i was doing it when i was, and he was okay with it.  He was aware that his compulsion was inappropriate and i think liked that his partner was playing lifeguard over his activities.

However, these behaviors, along with the standard time consuming dramas we partners of BPDs endure, left very little space in my head for me.

I fear that "me" is really just a shell of what it once was, if even that.  Its very depressing... .i feel empty all the time.  I alternate between chronic emptiness, missing him, hating him, back to emptiness.

I took time off of work when ending this relationship because there were a lot of traumatic things happening- hospitalized and needed surgery after a rage, I began to cope with all the chaos by drinking alcoholically (oy... .THAT

[cbm419]

hmmm... .weird, mods- for some reason my post went thru early and was not complete- heres the rest- feel free to tie them together if you some how can

 (oy... .THAT was a mess), he started showing up at my office screaming and generally making scenes, accusing me of being the cheating/manipulative/physically abusive thing he was. That plus the stress and alcoholism effectively ended my career, or put a pause in it.

now, i'm no longer drinking (thank god), do my best to maintain NC (contact, when happens, is like a bipolar mess- were either loving and nostalgic -- very dangerous -- or all caps texting how much we hate each other), and just trying to pick up the pieces. 

But I struggle with the daily occupations of living after all of it.  I have a therapist/psychiatrist that help me a lot, yet it is still a slow road.  I definetly cant recommend picking up a drinking/drug habit to cope with these relationships.  Its like using a knife to fix a bullet wound... .pouring gasoline on a fire, etc.

Every day gets a little better but i still struggle with figuring out who the h3ll i am these days.  lost a lot of friendships to the relationship (they got sick of being a shoulder to cry on, telling me to leave him, then see me go right back and get cheated on/hit... .rinse repeat).  this doesnt help.  A lot of friends are returning but in a diminished way.  I don't have the same sparkle in my eye I once did and they def notice.  I used to be very conversational, witty, aware and well read.  the three years w my BPD meant the bandwidth that used to carry that aspect of me was swallowed by the toxic codependent mess.

i like this board, its one of the few places anyone will understand what i went thru.  because my friends/family... .heck, even my therapist are so shocked at how far gone i went down this rabbit hole.

at least folks here have been there, some much longer or farther than me.  some staying with their partners (mostly for good reasons like family, etc)... .when i first came here it was to understand and "fix" him and the relationship.  I thought I could psychoanalyze it all away, and that knowledge would alleviate the pain of his actions (it helps but ultimately isnt a cure all), that the tools here would make it work.

well, I learned it only works when the BPD truly wants to change too, is self aware, and ready to put in some very hard and complicated work.  Mine was not like that.  the tools here would often confound and disrupt him, escalate him... .I dont know if i executed it wrong, maybe i did.  But he would not see a therapist (maybe one or two appts then fire them, at best), any mention of addressing his mental health was met with dismissal at best, outright rage other times.

Now i'm alone, very screwed up, and a recovering alcoholic! yay for me. I just try to stay positive and remember it will all be worth it when i'm back to myself. I will have learned a lot about me and a WHOLE lot about people to avoid in the future.

thanks for your reply, apologies for the ramble... .though we all do that here

[Herodias]

Yes, exactly like you said. Glad you brought it up since I thought I was handling the whole thing the best I could at those times. It didn't help to get away from him in another room- at times I had to leave my house too. Mostly I tried not to react. Very scary. I froze up allot too. Even when he held guns and knives to me. I can't believe all that happened to me. Shocking really.  I am baffled by the whole thing and he is out there probably doing this with the next person.

[cbm419]

Yes, exactly like you said. Glad you brought it up since I thought I was handling the whole thing the best I could at those times. It didn't help to get away from him in another room- at times I had to leave my house too. Mostly I tried not to react. Very scary. I froze up allot too. Even when he held guns and knives to me. I can't believe all that happened to me. Shocking really.  I am baffled by the whole thing and he is out there probably doing this with the next person.

Guns? Knives?  Sheeeesh... .that is rough to hear and I am so glad you are out of his life, safe and sound.  Mine never threatened me with weapons but toward the end, wouldnt hesitate to punch/slap, even bite me (yes, bite... .he would get so angry and scream non verbally and act like some kind of rabid animal).

He would grab for knives, but mostly to cut/stab himself.  something he did on a few occasions very recklessly and indiscriminantley.  that was horrifying... .I was always afraid he would accidentally nick an artery and bleed out in front of me while he was acting out like this to "make a point."

of course, after the fact, the scabs and scars were my fault, I made him do it. always.

baffling is a great word.
I also like insanity.