Crimson95
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: December 22, 2016, 10:38:16 AM » |
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Hi everyone. I am new to this forum and relatively new to acknowledgement that the person in my life is likely dealing with BPD. I'll try to deliver the abridged version of our story.
We met in 2003 when we were both 30. We got married in 2005. We STRUGGLED to have a baby and went through 4 failed reproductive procedures - and the 5th one brought us our son. We were overjoyed. We were going through the usual "getting used to being married and new parents" things - then when our son turned 18 months, she filed for divorce - I was stunned - citing a list of things that were terrible about me... .blaming me for everything. We divorced and were apart for 3 years. Somewhere during that time she came back once for 3 months and suddenly left again saying that we were "falling into old patterns". Then, in June of 2014 we somehow found our way again as a family and started reconciling. She got pregnant and then miscarried shortly after. That unlocked a massive emotional response from her - which is beyond understandable. She went into a deep depression that landed her in therapy. In therapy (EMDR) it came to the surface that she had been molested starting around the age of 5 by a woman her mother was having an affair with (I had no idea for 12 years that this was part of her history). There was no telling how long it went on - but the woman was involved with her mom for nearly 2 decades. Her (my ex's) childhood was a nightmare... .she was molested... .ignored and cast aside by her mother... .and her father was emotionally shut down most of her life, she and her sister (who is now full-blown bipolar) were pretty much on their own. Her first sexual experience with a man was being raped by a boy she went to school with at the age of 15 (also did not know this).
While she was going through all of this discovery a coping with her therapist during our reconciliation , she was wonderful about expressing gratitude to me about helping her heal - by then she had moved back into the house again and we were full time parents to our. She frequently told me that she "could not being doing any of this without me". We were back, unified, and working on our relationship and family. She went to therapy (EMDR) for a year and made solid progress - and then quit (BPD had not been entered into the picture, or at least not that I was aware of, with her therapist).
Couple of things to note - she would get easily agitated with me while we were together at times. She also was completely unable to talk about anything painful that happened to me in the divorce process - though we could talk about her stuff. When I would try (I think once or twice) she would say "I can't handle your pain. If you have things you need to talk about you need to your therapist about it". And that is exactly what I did. Once, when I was returning from my appointment with my therapist, she asked what we talked about. I peacefully said "We just worked through some of the stuff from the divorce that I need to move past" - simple enough. She shot back "I am not going to be the source of your pain!". Again, at this point BPD was never on the table - didn't even know what it was.
Well, this past July we had an "incident" - the type of thing that just happens with two people in a relationship - and I know I hurt her feelings. I apologized instantly, admitted fault, and asked how I could make it up to her. Ultimately, she decided to leave again. Moved out to apartments that are literally a 90 second drive from our front door. She's been there since August. I am alone again in our family home, part-time dad, and well - I still miss her a love her and have a hard time seeing how she can completely forget about ANY good, any love, anything worthwhile in our family, our relationship - that would keep her from fleeing. Since she has left, she has again blamed me for everything, called me dishonest, said I "didn't treat her like a partner on many levels", and that I "sought emotional intimacy outside of the relationship and not in it". Look, I know none of you know me - but NONE of that is true or in my character. And there are YEARS worth of proof and evidence to the contrary. That's basically when I started researching adult survivors of of childhood sexual abuse and the impact it has on the individual AND partners... .BPD was a FREQUENT topic. And then, without prompting, my therapist (who is VERY familiar with her) told me that it is likely that she is dealing with BPD based on her history of abuse and the environment in which she grew up. And that is how I landed here.
Everything in me wants to write her a letter. To tell her that I am not the villain that she thinks I am right now. That she is hurting so many in her wake - me, our son - but everyone here says that is not a good idea. This Christmas I will have our son, and I know that not seeing him will hurt her. I want to step in and fix it, but part of me want to just let her deal with consequences of her choices. I can tell you that there are not two men on the planet that want to spent Christmas with her more than me and our son (he's 6 now).
How can the pain of being alone, missing your son, etc. - be more bearable than being with your family and a partner that you know loves and supports you? I have never been a cheater, a liar, abusive, drugged-out, irresponsible - I really lived for her and our son these last two years. I work, come home and try to be present - I don't get everything right all the time, but I certainly approach things with the best intentions and a loving heart. Even though academically I know that she is likely not well and BPD is a factor, there are moments when I look in the mirror and see some horrific monster looking back because that is what she has basically told me that I am based on her actions.
Crimson
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