Daughter with BPD, concerns about grandchildren

[Merrymary]

My daughter has BPD and she is the single parent of my two granddaughters. She is not a good mom and particularly mean to one of her children, while favoring the other. My granddaughters call me to tell me their woes and sometimes call crying. Social services and child protection are involved but not helping with the many issues as my daughter easily manipulates people and blames my granddaughter for problems. Wondering if anyone else deals with this issue. I don't know what I can do to help my granddaughters.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Merrymary,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're grandaughters are going through this. How old are they? Is your D diagnosed with BPD? You're not alone, it helps to talk.

[Merrymary]

Thank you. My granddaughters are 14 and 9. They both have special needs and I fear they are learning behaviors from their mother. Difficult when I take them for a day. They fight amongst themselves, and I feel horrible when I have to drop them back tho their mother. My oldest granddaughter has stayed with me on occasion when her mother has been so emotionally abusive to her. I try to help as much as I can, but they are all so needy and drain my energy dry. Hard to set boundaries when they are so needing love and care. My daughter and grandaughters have limited support. So many family members have turned their backs.
It's easier to detach from and set boundaries with my daughter, but my grandaughters are so vulnerable.

[Mutt]

I'm sure that there are other members that share a similar experience, that's good to hear your GD14 has a place to fall back on when her mom is emotionally abusive towards her.

There's a lot of chaos at my children's uBPDexw's house, my place is an emotionally safe haven for them, we have a routine, granted that they can be frazzled if they have a particularly difficult week at their mom's. I notice that my D10 can show signs of stress, its not personal to me, there's, usually a valid underlying reason why, I try to validate how she feels, it help s her. That being said, what helps me tremendously is self care so that I don't feel drained.

What do you do for self care? Does GD14 talk about mom?

[Kwamina]

Hi Merrymary

I can understand your concern for your granddaughters'well-being. Having a BPD mother can be very difficult for a child, I know this from personal experience with my own uBPD mother.

I think it is great that your granddaughters also have you, yet can see how this whole situation can also be very draining for you. That's why I really like Mutt's comment about self-care

We have some tools on another board (Co-parenting), that I think can also be helpful to you as you deal with your grandkids, particularly the ones in Lesson 5: Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD:

What to tell kids about a high-conflict co-parent

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feel

TOOLS: Child development and parents with mental illness

POLL: From Risk to Resiliency--Protective Factors for Children

These tools can help you communicate with and better understand your granddaughters and what they are going through. They can also help you stay more emotionally balanced so you'll feel less drained.

Take care and welcome to  bpdfamily